The saying In Vino Veritas translates to: there is truth in wine. It means that you are more likely to say what you feel under the influence of alcohol.
Lets test the theory.
Warning: this article contains excessive use of the word jug
I went to the liquor store to pick up a little 'vino' for my experiment. Im not a wine connoisseur, but my palate is good enough to know if it sucks. My wallet, however, dictates what Im willing to pay. On the Phat Phree salary I would need Jesus to perform a miracle on my tap water. Thankfully I have another job. Thankfully, I have an entertainment budget. Thankfully, I have Carlo Rossi.
The liquor store guy tried to put me into an expensive model as if I were at a Saturn dealership. He recommended a nice thirty-dollar Cabernet.
Naw, but that big fuckin jugll do.
The Vitals:
1 four liter Jug of Carlo Rossi Paisano Table Red wine equivalent to five normal ( 750ml) bottles of wine Approx 135.26 oz Equivalent to over 20 glasses of wine Price $9.49
That should be plenty of booze for my 167-pound frame.
I paid for it in cold hard cash, a crispy ten, then threw the jug over my shoulder, being sure to sure to tell the register jockey he could keep the fuckin' change. Thats how I roll.
The jug rode shotgun. I could have sworn she told me to change the radio station a few times. I guess it was a bit of foreshadowing, but I chose to ignore it anyway. Besides I was getting the Led out to a little "Tangerine".
When I got home, I realized I didnt need a corkscrew, because Rossi is twist-off. Good fucking thing, because I dont have a corkscrew and Id be damned If I was going back to the store to blow any more of my nest egg on unnecessary luxuries.
Twist the cap I did, after I tapped the bottle, of course. I poured the truth juice into my plastic 32-oz Dream Team cup from Mickey Dees, and I was off. I figured I could drink the whole jug in about five cups in a few hours, while letting the stream of consciousness flow.
Cup 1 This wine is pretty good, albeit a little sweet. I wonder what "paisano" means (I then Google paisano). In Italian, it means friend.
I also check out imdb.com to see what the hell Dan Aykroyd's latest project is. Seems as though he hasnt done anything since Christmas with the Kranks. He played Vic Frohmeyer. Awesome. His project before that was the straight-to-video Intern Academy, which some reviewers have deemed completely unnecessary, a pile of shit on top of a pile of poo. Hes falling, hes falling fast.
Truth Number One: The reason I hate Dan Aykroyd. Dan is my biological father. My mom was an SNL groupie back in the 70s, and well, what can I say? I was born a bastard child with sketch comedy chops. I never even met the man. Never sent me a birthday card, letter, nothing.
Thats all bullshit. Hes not my dad. The saying should be changed to In (Latin word for lots of) Vino Veritas because I'm still full of shit after just one Olympic-sized cup.
Cup 2 Got a nice warm buzz on. Basically each cup is the size of a whole bottle. That thought sinks in.
Jordan abstained from the convo 'cos he was shootin' dice
Truth Number Two: I think this experiment is really just an excuse to get drunk. A throwback to the binge drinking days of college years. Maybe its that smell in the air, the shift in temperature, the cool breeze; summer is almost over and there is an empty void. That void is the beginning of a new college semester. Im five years removed from college, but each year I have that withdrawal. The sensation is weaker with every passing year, but its still there.
Im almost done with cup two and Im drunk. Theres barely a dent in the jug. This is an impossible task. Fuck you, jug.
Cup 3 I have a conversation with the jug. I dont consider it my friend any more. We are now sworn enemies.
Truth Number Three: Everyone hates you, jug of wine. You are the laughing stock of the wine world. You have slightly more respect than a Bartles and James Wine Cooler but less than a box of White Zin. California table red my ass, paisano!
I chug cup number three while staring down the jug in angst.
Cup number 4
Im no longer drinking out of the Dream Team cup. We had an argument. Several of the guys on the team (Bird, Mullen, Malone, Stockton, Drexler and Laettner) took the jugs side on the abortion issue. Me and Magic where the only ones who vehemently agreed that a woman has a right to choose, so I threw them across the room. I fuckin' hope they landed on Laettner's fat feathered face. The jug and I made up. In fact, Im drinking directly out of the it, so I guess were kind of seeing each other now.
Truth number four: Im shit-faced. Also, putting on my white first communion suit was a bad idea when 'jugging' red wine. The good news is that the suit still fits! I remember my first communion like it was yesterday. It was on a frozen lake, but my snowmobile was broken so I caught three red snappers and set them free. My head hurts and everything is spinning.
As I whistle "Taps" into the jug, I realize that it is my destiny to start a band with eight people. An octet! The only instrument well play is the jug. Maybe well grab a skin-flute player too. Well conquer America just like the Beatles. Fame, fortune, wine ZAP! That's onomato... onamono... oenomeanopia... ahh.
Lights out.
The Next Morning I woke up early for work, but on the floor. At least an hour early. I almost made it to the bed. Despite all this, I feet great. However, Ive been in the game long enough to avoid getting a false sense of security. Ill pay for my sins before lunchtime.
As I got out of bed, I wondered why the hell Im wrapped in red-stained white towels. I quickly remember my drinking experiment. After I took a cool shower, I realized that I have no clean bath towels. As I air dried, I noticed that some of Rossis 2004 Paisano Reserve made it in to the toilet bowl the night before, along with what looks like cabbage. I hadnt eaten cabbage since St. Patricks day, 2001. Thankfully, not all of it landed in the bowl. The rest covered the floor, wall and even a bit on the ceiling. Impressive. For some reason, cleaning up puke isnt as bad when its your own. I still had a few gag reflexes, but its ok. In that purple cole-slaw vomit was a little bit of me.
Before passing out, I managed to write a few things down
Adam Carolla: Beep. I may or may not have been watching Carollas new show on Comedy Central. I think he did a bit about the beeping a truck makes when in reverse. Any clarification on this would be appreciated. I cant remember if it was funny or lame, or if it happened at all.
BRW BMP. Thats what I think it says. It's not legible. It could also be BRUN BUMP. Regardless, I have no fucking clue what it means. I must have been on to something though because I underlined it seven times.
I AM Is this some existential Popeyeian ultimate truth? Or did I pass out in the middle of a sentence? The latter is more likely, but who can be sure?
I didnt finish the wine. There was a good 24oz left upon measurement. But, one should drink in moderation. If I had finished it all, that would've just been downright piggish.
What did I learn? Maybe its that I cant finish a whole jug of wine. I challenge you to do better, paisano! Perhaps its just that I miss college, where they would have accepted my efforts, instead of the brow beatings I got from friends and loved ones. Maybe drinking a jug of wine is part of who I am. I definitely dont have a drinking problem, despite what they say. Or maybe Im just not ready for step one of twelve.
The truth is out there. Maybe its at the bottom of a Carlo Rossi jug. Maybe its at the bottom of a tequila bottle. Maybe the worm knows; Ill be sure to ask him later tonight, when Im roaming the streets along with Mr. Cuervo, trying to dispel the myth that Tequila makes people flash their boobs to complete strangers. The neighbors are going to be so excited to see my hairy purple nipples.
Jilarious Posted: 5/1/2006by: DJRGATOR SOLID MATERIAL, YOU HAVE MOTIVATED TO CONTINUE DRINKING. I LOVE THE JUG RIDING SHOTGUN AND THE ARGUMENT WITH THE DREAM TEAM. ROSSI IS THE STUFF THOUGH, WE USED TO PASS IT AROUND AT PARTIES BACK IN SCHOOL, WHILING WE WERE ALREADY DRINKING. IT JUST CIRCULATED ABOUT AND HURT THE NEXT DAY. PIRATE FOR LIFE. Made my father proud Posted: 4/12/2006by: Jesus Great fucking article.... Collins Mix Posted: 3/6/2006by: Alex That's what you add a bit of to Paisano to make it drinkable... Lord of the G-String Posted: 2/25/2006by: Woozy What a great article, reminds me of the night I drank a 5 gallon box of wine and pissed in my fridge. I miss college. Great Article Posted: 2/10/2006by: 49er This is probably my favorite TPP article of all-time. Great Job! good ole rossi... Posted: 2/2/2006by: Holymackrl! word to the wise, rossi and gin do not mix!!! loved it! Posted: 1/16/2006by: Kelli I thought this article was fantastic & I laughed not only the first time I read it, but the 2nd & third time as well...I even passed it onto others for their enjoyment! Cheap? Posted: 1/12/2006by: Nick $10 is not cheap. You could have got Thunderbird! Now that stuff will get you in trouble and cost you almost nothing. Close Posted: 1/8/2006by: Jason Very very classic....Almost as classic as my college buddies and I chugging Boones Farm as fast as we can then launching them at the stop sign less than one mile from the liquor store we bought them from. Cheap, quick BUZZZZ u suck Posted: 10/5/2005by: daniel unlike everyone else, i will not be blowing you. Instead, pointing out the fact that y fact that you, "sirk" are a cheap drunk. I"m obviously messin with you......
