As promised we're back for another installment of The Ultimate 11. We returned from our Christmas break to find our mailbag brimming with e-mails from readers. Like this insightful piece from Roy in Michigan:

"Hey Ultimate 11!
You guys suck! Your last list "Most Banagable Cartoons" was a complete waste of time! Why don't you two fags shove champagne bottles up each others ass?

~Roy
Troy, Michigan"

Thanks Roy! We're glad you liked the last list. Shove champagne bottles where? Oh, wow! OK, sure, we'd be glad to make a list based on your suggestion of sexual deviance.

We've decided to add a musical angle to this list, Roy. No one is more sexually deviant than musicians. It doesn't matter what kind of musician you are talking about either. Whether they are a crooning lead singer parading around in tight leather pants on stage, a lead guitarist blazing away with hot licks on a Fender Stratocaster, or a double Bassoonist in the New York Philharmonic, all musicians are sick and twisted sexual sociopaths looking to score... Period!

So here is your list Roy:

The Ultimate 11 Sexually Deviant Musicians

Pete Townsend (Child Porn Possession)

Pete was arrested after his credit card number appeared on a website offering child pornography. He was released and later not charged after it was disclosed that he was merely conducting research for a book he was writing based on his own experience as a sexually abused youth. The title of the yet to be released book: "Yeah... Um...Here's my book about The Sexual Abuse of Minors and Why I Needed Oodles of Kiddie Porn for Research" by Pete Townsend.

Chuck Berry (Scatological Voyeurism)

This Rock 'N Roll legend hid cameras inside the ladies bathroom of his restaurant and home back in 1990 and video taped women changing and using the toilet. Thus explaining the long misunderstood B-side to the perennial favorite "Johnny Be Good", the wildly unpopular "Johnny Be Spanking It To Grainy Images of Women Defecating"

Rick James (Sexual Assault, Torture, Kidnapping)

In 1991, James and future wife Tanya Hijazi were accused of holding 24-year old Frances Alley hostage for up to six days, tying her up, making her perform sexual acts, forcing her to smoke crack cocaine, and burning her legs and abdomen with a hot crack pipe during a week-long cocaine binge. Illegal? Maybe. But call me a softy, I think it's nice when couples do things together.

Gary Glitter (Child Porn Possession, Sex with a Minor)

This former glam rocker, (composer of the sports arena staple "Hey!" [Rock and Roll Part 2]) was initially convicted for possession of child pornography in the UK in 1999 and later listed as a sex offender. His reputation severely tarnished, he relocated to Cambodia until he was permanently evicted for suspected child sexual offenses in 2002. (You know you're a twisted fuck when the CAMBODIANS say, "No way, you can't do that here.")

Soon after relocating to Vietnam , he was arrested for...yep you guessed it...obscene acts with children. He's currently serving a three year sentence in a Vietnamese prison for said offenses. Ironically, he is probably being smacked around like a small child each night before being raped to sleep.

Led Zeppelin (Sexual Assault With a Shark)

In 1969 Zep was staying at the Edgewater Inn in Seattle, participating in the Seattle Pop festival. The hotel, now known as the Hotel Edgewater, is located directly on Puget Sound and allowed guests to fish directly from their room windows. Long story short, legend has it that after some successful angling, a groupie ended up with the nose of a Mud shark in her vagina while tied to a hotel bed. Whether she was forced to participate or actually wanted to be "Fish Fucked" remains an unknown. It is, however, widely accepted that, following the ordeal, no amount of tartar sauce was able to render the catch palatable.

Michael Jackson (Pedophilla)

(Insert forwarded joke from your uncle or any Jay Leno monologue)





Jerry Lee Lewis (Incest, Sex with a Minor)

In 1958 it was learned that Lewis' third wife, Myra Gale Brown, was actually his 13-year-old cousin. Though technically legal, the nation is said to have uttered a collective "EWWW!!!" Lewis ignored public outrage and stuck with prepubescent-kin-bride, citing his unwavering love for her and his appreciation for the fact that this way they only had to go one place for Christmas.

Marylin Manson (Public Indecency, Raping a Cop's Head)

Manson, usually the paragon of decency and restraint, had a slight lapse in judgement at a Michigan show in 2001 when he proceeded to, well, I'll let the prosecutor of the case describe the details, he does it far more justice than I could:

"During an act of the performance, Marilyn Manson began to rub his genital area and masturbate over his clothing. As he approached the security guard, who was facing towards the audience to keep people off the stage, he then spit on him and sat down and wrapped his legs around him in a headlock, if you will, and then began to gyrate, rubbing his genitals against the head and back and neck area of the security guard."

Manson was arrested immediately after the show. The security guard's neck became impregnated with Manson's Demon Spawn and is now laying in wait for the Day of Atonement, at which point he will spring from the Lake of Fire and take his rightful place on the Throne of Man.

George Michael (Committing a Lewd Act, General Faggotry)

The world gasps in disbelief when they learn that the composer of such masculine hits as "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" and "Careless Whisper" is actually gay! In 1998, George Michael got busted by an undercover cop at a public park in Beverly Hills for committing a "Lewd Act" in a restroom. Hey Michael, we don't care if you wanna get your man-love on, but how about coughing up some of that Wham-Money to get yourself a decent male escort and a private room that's not so close to sliding boards and picnic tables?

R. Kelly (Child Porn, Urinating On A Minor, Releasing "Trapped In The Closet")

You all know the story. Many of you are watching the video on a loop as you read this. But I ask you this my fellow Americans: What kind of a country do we live in when our B-Grade R&B singers can't take a piss on a 14-year-old girl before banging her without everybody getting all uppity? What is this, Russia?

Rowlf from Dr. Teeth (Indecent Exposure, Rape)

In two deleted scenes from "The Muppets Take Manhattan," Rowlf the piano playing dog exposed his genitals to a group of school children asking them if they "wanted to see his lipstick". In the second deleted scene Rowlf, upon learning that Kermit was trying to put on a Broadway show, immediately held bogus auditions for back up dancers in an attempt to lure teenage girls to his van, some of whom where as young as 10 years old though Rowlf later argued that, to him, they were years 70 old.