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Don't Do it Kid!
Bad beer. We've all had it. We're drinking some right now. A lot of them. Some times you're short on cash. Some times it's the only thing available at the party, and heaven forbid you bring your own, you scumbag. Regardless, in Jim Fath and Rick Falcon's combined sixty years of drinking experience (yes we were drinking when we were none) we have indulged in our share of insipid beer. But for those of you youngsters who are new to thebrain-cell killing game, we thought that we would do you all a service by tipping you off to the worst beers out there, so that you can either avoid them or try them out for yourself, if you're into that whole masochism thing. Cheers!
All Non-Alcoholic Beers Coors Cutter- Miller Sharps- O'Douls etc.
Obviously, we could fill the entire list with these aberrations, but it's just like picking on a retarded kid. Sure it's fun, and hilarious, and you feel really good afterwards, but there's really no challenge in it. Of course the whole concept of non-alcoholic beer is ridiculous. You don't need us to tell you that. This beer is made for recovering alcoholics to drink so that they can pretend that their lives still have meaning and purpose. Anyone else seen drinking one of these deserves an Eagle-Claw to the throat.
Genny Cream Ale
Drinking this beer is like trying to drink a shit milkshake. Each 12 ounce can somehow manages to weigh three pounds. The beer is that undrinkably thick and disgusting. I still stand by my belief that Genny Cream Ale lacked the ability to refrigerate. No matter how long a GCA was in the cooler, when you opened it, it somehow tasted warm. You have to begrudgingly respect a beer that disobeys physics in order to make people more ill.
Pabst Blue Ribbon
Whoa, settle down you trendy fucks. I know that it's hip and shit to drink PBR, but guess what you tools; no matter how stylish you think you are, Pabst still blows.
"Look at us! We're slumming! Combining this tall-boy of Pabst with my Trucker hat and Vintage-T perfectly completes the "I don't give a fuck" persona that I adopted last year when I changed over from my horn-rimmed-glasses-EMO-look because Weezer broke up."
It probably made my dirtbag Uncle Ron's day when he found out that due to some savvy marketing by the good people at Pabst Brewery, he had inadvertently become en vogue overnight simply by continuing to drink the same cheap swill that he always has. Go Uncle Ron!
Milwaukee's Best
This beer was affectionately referred to as "The Beast" during my college days, due in no small part to the way that it ravaged one's system and terrified those foolish enough to consume it with what came out of them the next day.
If this is indeed no misnomer, you can't help but wonder what Milwaukee's Worst is. We figure it must be a 12 ounce can full of sump pump water, formaldehyde and AIDS.
Blatz
Blatz comes in a convenient 15 pack because the brewers knew that you were going to need at least three extra beers to forget that you were drinking Blatz. Blatz falls into the same category as Busch and Schlitz, together comprising the trinity of onomatopoeic beers whose names mimic the sounds that you will hear yourself making when you expel them later in the evening. This revolutionary kind of branding can also be applied to your restroom experience for the entire next day when your digestive track is rendered fluid. (Commonly referred to as "Blatz Splatz", "Schlitz Shits", or "Busch Dysentery")
Black Person Beer Olde English. Colt 45. Magnum. Cobra.
They're all the same. Pretty much any beer that comes almost exclusively in a 40 bottle and sounds like it could also be a brand of condoms.
If there is anything that has made me feel bad for black people, it's not the years of servitude they endured at our cruel hands so long ago, it's the repugnant malt liquor that they somehow endure today. Billy Dee Williams endorsing Colt 45 to his people is nothing short of black on black crime. Don't be deceived by the heartwarming tradition of a gangsta pouring out a 40 to his fallen homie. He was just looking for an excuse to ditch a half a bottle of this garbage. In fact, he probably killed the dude himself for a reason to do so. Word.
The Home-Brewed Garbage Beer That Your Buddy Made
So your bored, loser friend got a home-brew kit for Christmas from his parents. Remind me to kick that kid's dad in the nuts next time I see him, because now I have to sample this shitty lager so that Dennis doesn't cry like a girl.
"Sure Dennis, why rely on educated brewers who know what they're doing to make you beer when you can make your own at home at nine times the cost! I'm sure you're "Dennis' Full Moon Pale Ale" will be well worth the 6 month wait it took for you to make all eight bottles. And no, I'm sure it won't matter that you used salt instead of sugar by accident. Looking forward to it."
Michelob Ultra
The only way that this beer could be more gay would be if the bottle was shaped like a dick. In America's ongoing quest to remove all flavor and complexity from it's beer, they have achieved a new milestone of bland, woman-pleasing, non-beerdom. In a recent blind taste test that pitted Mich Ultra against tap water, tap water was referred to by the majority of those polled as "hearty and robust by comparison". I have more respect for a man drinking and Amaretto Sour than a Michelob Ultra. At least that dude knows what he is.
Busch Ice
All Ice beers are pretty nasty, but this one is particularly foul. Ice beers' claim to fame is that they have a slightly higher alcohol content. That's great and all, but somehow during that mysterious "ice-process", the beer also acquires a taste that I would compare to eating a Citronella candle wrapped in aluminum foil. It's just not worth that extra two percent of drunkenness. What's the hurry to get drunk any ways? Can't I just drink two more non-ice beers? Where's the fire, Cochise?
INSERT SHITTY REGIONAL BEER HERE
We're not talking about the mildly popular microbrew that has managed to hang around the tri-state area after the 1990's microbrew fad came and went. We're talking about those horrible few crappy regional beers that have been around forever and taste like it too. In Chicago it's "Old Style", in Pittsburgh it's "Iron City", and in Ohio it's "Little Kings" (Beer for people so broke it comes in a 7 oz fucking bottle. I'm not even kidding)
These sad regional beers are as cheap and as unflavorful as they come and are sort of like really old AAA baseball players. They'll never make the national market and the people that come to see them are just as broken and drepressed as they are. Why drink a beer that's been to New York when I can drink a beer that's just like me and has never left Bellefontaine Ohio.
Number 11Miller High Life
And finnally the coveted #11 spot goes to Miller High Life. Budweiser may be the King of Beers but Miller High Life is the King of Shit beers and that is no easy task considering how many contenders there are.
This hilariously self proclaimed "Champagne of Beers", also boasts the distinction of being one of the only few beers to be packaged in a smooth clear bottle with very few contours. We assume this is to not ruin the effect of not only tasting like piss in a bottle but looking like it too.
Miller, to their credit, knows this beer is garbage. In their most recent TV commercials a large black deliveryman reclaims a handcart full of High-Life from some snobbish bistro saying "I'm taking back the High Life...a good honest beer at a tasty price." So there you have it. The price is the only thing palatable about this beer. Such honesty in TV advertising is rare. It would be like Allstate Insurance saying "We're there when you need us... Unless we can weasel out of it like we did in after Hurricane Katrina. In that case fuck off!". We think future Miller High-Life TV ad's should only be shot where High Life is actually consumed. Like inside old bowling alleys, truck stops, and any sparsely occupied bars along a state route.
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NOTE: In preparation of this article both Rick Falcon and Jim Fath consumed 3 cases of the above mentioned beers for a two week period. The results of this research ended up delaying this article by 2 weeks. We apologize for the delay and the repeat article last week. Additionally the suspended state of inebriation was also responsible for a DUI conviction on the part of Rick and Jim apparently fucked some fat chick in Wheeling West Virginia with a pool cue. We'll do our part so this never happens again.
You may now commence with your tales of bad beer in college stories.
Do you wear a skirt when you drink beer? Or do you just bitch and moan because the bar doesn't carry your favorite $4.50 pint of pond water made by the fog breathers or the former nazi's?
Posts: 453 Rank: 32 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 4/26/2007 8:26:57 AM
Get the crusted sperm out of your vagina and drink beer like a man! "The Beast" is the best drinking-game beer there is, precisely because it hurts the next day. The next morning's pain is what reminds you that you are alive. Or would you rather go drink wine-coolers and talk about what guy can take advantage of your "loose" state with the rest of the girls?
Posts: 92 Rank: 3083 Joined:
1/3/2007
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 4/26/2007 8:50:47 AM
Any type of Berry beer is absolutely the most repulsive thing I've ever drank. It tastes like someone took the run off from the trash and put it in a bottle. I think it has to do with the acidity of fruits and just souring the flavor of the beer. Either way, its the most retchid thing on the planet.
Anybody hear ever drink CAMO brand 40's? its the "High gravity lager" That has got to be the worst tasting 40 i've ever drank, I bought it because it was a righteous 9% and figured why not? Well thats because it might be recycled bum piss.
Posts: 37 Rank: 112 Joined:
1/29/2007
Location:
Pittsburgh, PA
Posted: 4/26/2007 9:02:14 AM
This is a nice little reference guide to years 16 - 23 of my life.
Chill the fuck out you two up top... we all drink/drank this carbonated piss at one point in our lives and loved every minute of it. That doesn't make it good.
It's like fucking some fat pig at a college frat party - it's all fun and games while it's happening... everyone gets a good laugh and enjoys themselves... but later on in life you write articles about how truly disgusting it really was.
When your cross eyed drunk and start telling German girls blow jobs won't get them pregnant or puking in the box your roommate has full of Easter presents set aside for his kid, it doesn't really matter what the beer tastes like, cause Im havin fun.
Posts: 368 Rank: 26 Joined:
2/21/2007
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 4/26/2007 9:33:06 AM
Tastes like bacon, but not in a good way.
Miller High Life is probably my favorite marketing scheme of all time: They knew it was shit from the beginning, and marketed it accordingly. Do you think the people who drink it regularly think they're actually drinking something high quality?
Posts: 31 Rank: 191 Joined:
12/12/2006
Location:
Dothan, AL
Posted: 4/26/2007 9:37:05 AM
India Pale Ales are the worst. I tried a IPA for the first time the weekend before last. It literally tasted like someone took a sweat drenched shirt off of a 450 lb. homeless person and wrung the sweat out into the bottle. Trust me, if you see an IPA, stay away.
Other horrible beers:
Coors light. Bud light. Miller light. Any Chinese rice beer. I had to kick myself in the nuts for buying a 6 pack of that bull shit.
Good beers:
Ying ling. Heineken. Guinness. Sam Adams. (Thank you Boston) Pilsner Erquell
Posts: 37 Rank: 112 Joined:
1/29/2007
Location:
Pittsburgh, PA
Posted: 4/26/2007 9:41:35 AM
you guys ever see these commercials for Beast? They're usually on at 2am when ESPN Ocho is replaying the 1998 bowling championships... a bunch of "salt of the earth" guys usually standing by a BBQ or fixing a car, when all of a sudden one of the guys says something along the lines of "my pussy hurts," and a 400 pound can of Beast falls on top of him.
Fuckin classic marketing there. Every steelworker here in shittsburgh now drinks Beast Ice.... or Iron Shitty beer.
great article but I would put St. Paulie Girl up against any of those.
In college we would drink the beast for drinking games as well. I dont remember the name of this game (something about waterfalls?) anyway I was at the end of the "waterfall" having to drink as long as the person next to me and so forth down the line. By the time I was done chugging I had pounded 2 beast blue's/ My stomach couldnt handle all of the foam and it started to bubble and erupt up my esophagus. When it got to my mouth it had the force of a run away train, I tried to shut my mouth tightly to no avail. A staedy stream of foam shot across one girl sitting next to me (my now wife) and hit the fraternity ho (I think her indian name was "LikeThrowingHotdogsDownAHallway) up side the face. I was laughed at and kicked out of the game for throwing up but I got a ruling that I had not thrown up but only "foamed". I got back in the game and dont remember much after that.
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All Non-Alcoholic Beers
Genny Cream Ale
Pabst Blue Ribbon
Milwaukee's Best
Blatz 
Black Person Beer
The Home-Brewed Garbage Beer That Your Buddy Made
Michelob Ultra
Busch Ice
INSERT SHITTY REGIONAL BEER HERE
Number 11Miller High Life
