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Fork it over... Einstein!
Jim Fath and Rick Falcon were once magnificent bullies. Then, much like now, we were subpar academics. We were not very well liked by our classmates. Women forsook us because of our unsightly appearances and general lack of social skills.
But we had one thing going for us. Having been held back a combined three and a half years due to academic difficulties, we were much larger than our fellow classmates. We used this, our only gift, to it's fullest advantage by constantly picking on students with frustratingly brighter futures than us.
And today, we are still failures. Grievously overweight, womanless, and trapped in pointless, mindless jobs we will undoubtedly die in, our thoughts often turn to those unfortunates we so gamely tortured throughout high school.
A quick scan of the annual high school newsletter will inform you that the majority are now predictably successful. CEO's, engineers and attorneys all. But they can't take our memories away from us. We saw them at their weakest and that's something we'll carry inside us with swelling pride till the end of our days. Because no matter how rich they all become, no matter how hot their trophy wives are, they will always be forced to remember that time that we held them down in the hallway and farted on their heads. That's a memory that can't be bought or sold. And it's all we have.
With that in mind, here are the Ultimate Eleven Classic Bully Moves. Believe us, if we could still use these today on our feeble and motivated office-mates we would, but it's been made quite clear by HR that none of these constitute "acceptable workplace behavior". We've had meetings about it. Enjoy.
The Titty Twister (aka a Purple Nurple) The how to: with your thumb and index finger grasp the victim by the nipple and then rotate 1/4" - 1/2" to the right or until the victim pulls away or becomes aroused. (Rare)
The Swirly The How To: Grabbing control of the victims upper body, submerge their head into the water in the bowl of a toilet and repeatedly flush thus creating the "swirly" effect. The toilet may or may not be filled with urine and defecation at the onset of the swirly. In some instances it may be necessary to urinate on the victim's head mid-swirly. This is at your discretion depending how much of a douche the victim is.
The Classic Wedgie The How To: With your strongest hand grab the elastic band of the victims Aquaman underoo's from behind and pull it up as high as physically possible thus wedging the victim's underpants in their posterior. If this wedgie is in association with some sort of homoerotic football, soccer, or wrestling hazing ritual, the victim should be hung by the elastic band of their underpants on a near by field goal post, soccer goal post, or on the erect penis of a nearby wrestler. (PS Do not google image search "Wresting team Hazing" at work)
The Traditional Trip The How To: Inconspicuously place one of your feet in the path of the victim as they are in mid-stride. Your foot, now an obstacle, will send the victim to the ground. If the victim some how evades being tripped, steal his trapper keeper and run. Later defecate in the trapper keeper and leave it by the victim's BMX bike.
The De-pantsing The How To:For this method to be effective the victim should be wearing a loose fitting pair of shorts, sweatpants, or parachute pants. Grab the victim's trousers with both hands on either side and, with great force, pull downward until the victims underwear, or lack there of, is exposed to Mr. Diturno's entire Biology class. Should the victims pants not budge steal their trapper keeper and run. Later draw penises and tits all over the trapper, the folders, and their contents and leave it by the victim's BMX bike with the words "Faggot" drawn on the front.
Pinning them to the Ground Face Torture The How To: Grapple the victim to the ground and then proceed to torture them with a variety of devices including but not limited to "Dangling a loogie", "farting on their face", "Drooling into their eye" (eye will need to be pried open), "Making them slap their own face while clearly being told not to slap their own face", and if you're on the wrestling team place your testicles on their chin and call them a "Fag".
The Pointless Book Scatter The How to: With a quick swipe of your hand, knock the victim's books and other handheld items to the ground. For effect, as the victim attempts to gather their belongings kick them further and further out of reach. Or just kick them. If you fail to knock anything out of their hands steal their trapper keeper and run. Later stick it in the planer in the woodshop. If you don't have access to the woodshop just rip all the pages out and wipe your ass with the pages and leave it by their BMX bike. Steal the seat.
The Locker Prison The How To: With Blitzkrieg like speed, approach the victim just as they are opening their locker and force them to enter it regardless of how little space there is. Some kicking of the victim should be expected in order to gain compliance initially. Once the victim has occupied the locker, close the door and secure the lock. You may then leave or proceed to kick and punch the locker at your discretion. Before leaving you should inform the victim, through the grate, that if they make a sound you are going to open up the locker and beat their ass. This ensures that the victim will occupy the locker for at least one maybe two periods before they have the courage to yell for help in the form of a janitor. If the victim evades your onslaught, steal their trapper keeper and run. Later light it on fire in the parking lot outside the woodshop. Gather the ashes and leave them next to the victim's BMX bike. Urinate on the seat.
The Submarine The How to:This requires a second party to be involved. Distract the victim with conversation. Perhaps mention that you saw the new Transformers movie and couldn't believe that they killed Optimus. Just keep them in one place for moment while your assistant gets down on all fours behind the victim with their back directly behind the victim's legs. Once they are in place, push the victim backwards over them. For a touch of evil initially distract the victim with a question and interrupt their reply with the push and the phrase "Shut up fag!"
The Clothesline The How To: The victim will have to be in motion for this technique. The faster the motion the more ideal the result (running or riding a bike). Inconspicuously put yourself near the path of the victim as they are traveling. This can be around a corner or behind a tree. Just as they are about to pass extend one of your arms in front of them around neck level and attempt to stop them with your arm on their throat. If you fail to stop them and are knocked down immediately pin them to the ground and fart on their face.
Picking on the Retard The How To: Since the retard is an easy mark and has no concept of shame and or basic motor skills, bullying them with traditional methods would prove ineffective thus earning the coveted #11 spot on the list. In this case you'll have to be malicious to an nth degree. Start off with spitting on them, and it had better be laden with mucus otherwise you're just wasting your time. Next, move on to knocking them down. Tripping these guys can prove dangerous as many of them are pretty hefty, mostly since they are between 25-40 years old. Your best bet is to wait until they are walking down a flight of steps then just push'em. Gravity will do the work and their inability to function on a basic level will be your alibi. Next work on their ticks. Every retard has something that always "sets them off". For Rainman it was "Hot Water Burn Baby" and Corky it was "Becca touches me when I take a shower" so don't be afraid to do a little homework and find out what gets them enraged. It's probably something simple like telling them they are bad at finger painting or bowling. Or maybe even a word. What ever it is, wait until the next assembly and grab a seat near them and let em hear it. The little Mongoloid tornado will tear it up "Carrie" style but instead of telekinesis it will be a lot of drooling and flailing. Mission Accomplished.
Posts: 214 Rank: 21 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
NYC, NY
Posted: 5/24/2007 11:40:35 AM
Unfortunately this article gave me flashbacks to the phrase "two for flinching." That was until I kicked Adam Furphie's ass in the 5th grade. Now he is still a degenerate loser with a fear of skinny pale Jews wearing glasses.
Posts: 453 Rank: 32 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/24/2007 11:58:10 AM
I would like to add, making the school retard believe in Voodoo to the list. We had a retard in my school that we freaked out by showing them one of those troll doll, telling him it was a Voodoo doll. One kid would prick the doll with a needle in the ass, and another kid would jab the retard in the ass with a pencil. He would freak out and run away screaming: "Voodoo, Voodoo!"
Get the gullible SOB, go out to the field, backyard, or play ground and grab a dandi lion that is very white and puffy just ready to be blown about. Tell him to hide a piece of the dandi-lion stem anywhere on their body and the "white part" of the flower will be used to find the little stem.
Turn around, let them hide the stem.
Ask about different places to play along. "is it behind your knee?" No? "Well is it behind your ear" Nope? "Is it in your mouth?"
When they say that it is not in their mouth ask them to open up to make sure. When they open up shove the ball of dandi lion in their mouth. Hilarity ensues as you watch them scrape their tongue on their teeth and slobber out flower bits for the next 30 minutes.
some commentary. That is quite simply bad form. The notes and description should have included a strict instruction to ensure that the pantsee is facing away from the pantser and toward all of the girls in 4th period gym class.
The Submarine, is known as the high-low where I come from and this one lived on way too long. Homecoming during undergrad became a high-low laden activity. Hammered all day, you had to watch for someone crouching behind you. And this is best done with the high coming from a distance of more than 10 feet (less expected) with the high attacker diving through the victim. Shear fucking joy.
Why did we not include the whole realm of flinching games. you've got your basic two for flinching, your upgrade of dots and X's (wiping a dot gets you punched, while not wiping an ex gets you punched twice). The you have the don't look at the circle I'm making between my index finger and thumb game. There are many variations on this brilliant theme I'm sure, please share them all.
Jim and Rick, this article is truly an inspiration. Thanks for bringing it all back. My roommates will not be thanking you.
ps. can we do an ultimate 11 household booby traps and practical jokes, ala the ole saran wrap on the toilet trick?
Posts: 2222 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 5/24/2007 12:58:47 PM
You forgot the 'ol "pin him up against his locker by his shirt" bit. I know this is going to sound like a character line but, I had lots of strapping young black men do this to me in high school.
Also, the "hey, that girl over there likes you, then you walk over and everyone laughs as Danny tries to flirt with a hot girl" game. That was always a personal favorite...
Posts: 1714 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 5/24/2007 1:03:08 PM
The Run By Dead Leg was a popular favorite in my area. During each passing period you could see at least one kid getting a book out of his locker and some dude run by and knee them in the thigh as hard as possible crippling the unsuspecting victim. This is a prime example of it's better to give than receive.
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The how to: with your thumb and index finger grasp the victim by the nipple and then rotate 1/4" - 1/2" to the right or until the victim pulls away or becomes aroused. (Rare) 
The How To: With your strongest hand grab the elastic band of the victims Aquaman underoo's from behind and pull it up as high as physically possible thus wedging the victim's underpants in their posterior. If this wedgie is in association with some sort of homoerotic football, soccer, or wrestling hazing ritual, the victim should be hung by the elastic band of their underpants on a near by field goal post, soccer goal post, or on the erect penis of a nearby wrestler. (PS Do not google image search "Wresting team Hazing" at work)
The How To:For this method to be effective the victim should be wearing a loose fitting pair of shorts, sweatpants, or parachute pants. Grab the victim's trousers with both hands on either side and, with great force, pull downward until the victims underwear, or lack there of, is exposed to Mr. Diturno's entire Biology class. Should the victims pants not budge steal their trapper keeper and run. Later draw penises and tits all over the trapper, the folders, and their contents and leave it by the victim's BMX bike with the words "Faggot" drawn on the front. 
