Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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So, someone puts a gun to your head and tells you to choose...
Dear Girls,
What's up, bitches? You all haven't been looking too well lately. Shit, I would have to say that it looks like Father Time has bent you over his jet-black Huffy, weiner-banged you like a rabid mut, and finished you off with a "Dirty Yosemite Sam" (think of a "Dirty Sanchez" with more artistic integrity and extra feces). It's like someone found the "Magical Tree of Old, Ugly, Hag-ass Bitches," uprooted the son of a bitch, and dropped it on all of your faces from a really high cliff while wearing stilts.
Blanch, you were not looking your best at the grocery store last week. Your leathery skin hangs like a pair of 70 year-old testicles. I would have to say that it strongly resembles the nuts that used to smack across your chin every week as you portrayed a 60-year-old whore back on our show. What in the fuck was that about anyway? Who dreamt up that character? Furthermore, who approved it for broadcast? A young child should never be forced to imagine a senior citizen mounting anything other than a Hovaround. You sick slut. Nice fucking pearl necklace. All of those years of suggestive, elderly sex jokes, and none eluded to the advantages of dentures and oral sex. Disappointing. Kind of. Nevermind. That's not disappointing at all.
Dorothy, Dorothy, Dorothy...how the years have betrayed you, my old friend. It seems like just yesterday that we traveled down the road and back again. I saw you stumble over your own breast at bingo last week. Classy move. I'm going to tell you a little secret. You're my number two horse, bitch. Last week, on a day-trip to Vegas, I got fucking hammered on my medication and placed an enormous sum of money on a million dollar Golden Girls Death Pool at The Bellagio.
You have to realize, Dorothy, Sophia has Dementia. I imagine that it won't be long until she walks out into traffic sometime soon. I have to think she'll be the first one of us hitchin' it in a hearse. For Christ's sake, I sent her this letter and she won't even fucking realize that it's a letter. She'll probably wipe her nose with it, make some crazy faces, scream, and follow it all up with some wild flailing around. I've never actually seen someone who has lost their fucking mind, but I'm sure it goes a little something like that. It's only a matter of time before she tries to eat the remote control and wash it down with some color-safe bleach or something. Crazy people's diets have no bounds.
Sorry grandkids, you have just been replaced with a new top reason for becoming old.
I hope you understand, though, if she keeps hanging around, I'm going to have to slide some more dough over on you, Big D. You are getting some incredible odds these days. What the fuck? Did you take up bungee jumping or join the cast of SNL? It's like there's a bullet tearing its way towards your fucking face in slow motion and everyone has time to bet on it hitting you. God, it's tempting. Do you have any idea how many Botox injections a score like that would buy me?
Well, sluts, I'm off to the store to buy some vitamins and diapers. I'll probably kick it at water aerobics this afternoon and follow it up with some aimless wandering around the grocery store. I'm sure you will all be sitting on your asses, eating a cheesecake, and waiting to die. Except, Sophia...she's probably making some goofy faces and flailing around. VH1 should do a reality show on her. I can see it now. In the mold of Breaking Bonaduce and Shooting Sizemore, VH1 can explore insanity through a new facet...
Posts: 14 Rank: 205 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Buffalo Grove, IL
Posted: 1/23/2007 9:59:41 AM
Betty White was the shit in Lake Placid.
That said, I would've liked to show up to the Golden Girls house as a cable guy or something and then just rail the shit out of each one of em. They were still taxable when they were in their 60's.
Posts: 30 Rank: 115 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 1/23/2007 10:03:40 AM
Fucking gross, the senior slut thing always unsettled me. How did the US think that shit was funny in the 80s. With all of the Boomers turning 60+ in the next few years I expect more programming aimed at their old asses. So on top of stealing all my social security money they will be ruining TV, thanks fuckers.
Posts: 1453 Rank: 14 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Buffalo, NY
Posted: 1/23/2007 10:32:26 AM
"Dirty Yosemite Sam" was great, but in the end bad TV makes for bad articles. Drew you can't tell Brocktoon that this isn't history 101 after he corrected your incorrect correction of Jay, it's a little hipocritical - I probably didn't spell that right but i'm sure Brock will correct me.
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