In honor of the much hyped and not nearly as enjoyed Superbowl this weekend, this week's Ulitimate 11 is dedicated to the impotent Villians who have failed to instill any amount of fear in us. So here is your list. The Ultimate 11 Least Intimidating Movie Villains

Mark Pillow as Nuclear Man in Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

Even if this guy didn't look like he should be posing in a thong on a Myrtle Beach post card from 1986, and even if he wasn't played by a guy named "Mark Pillow", he would still be one of the lamest bad guys of all time. He's just as strong as Superman. Shares the same genes. That's scary. Oh, but there's one catch: He's fucking solar powered! That's right. This guys unstoppable. Between 6:30am and 7pm. Unless you just pull the drapes. Then he's helpless. Garbage.






Nothing as The Nothing in The Neverending Story

Hey. You know what would have made a scarier villain in this movie than "The Nothing"?... "The Something". I understand that budgets can get a little tight, but making your primary antagonist a formless entity is just plain cheap by any standard. Atreyu's horse was so bored by the middle of this movie that he elected to sink into the Swamps of Sadness rather than see how it ended. I envied Artax.



Hayden Christensen as Darth Vader in Star Wars: Episode II and III

Nice job Lucas. Way to take the most fantastically imposing and dreaded figure of our collective youth and fill his iconic suit with a rat-tail-sporting, whiney bitch who looks like he should be in the band "O Town". How am I supposed to be scared re-watching the original trilogy knowing that it's that half-melted little boy-toy in there? James Earl Jones' voice fills that costume out better. Christ.


David Bowie as The Goblin King Jareth in Labyrinth

Director: David, this just isn't working. I'm just not buying you as a terrifying, wicked villain right now. Do you have any ideas?

Bowie: "Well, I guess we could put more glitter on me."

Director: "Good. That could work."

Bowie: "And I suppose I could playfully fondle a few more of these smallish crystal orbs while I sing a song that I wrote called 'Magic Dance'."

Director: "Sounds great. I've already got goose bumps! Action!"


The Daleks as a Slow Moving File Cabinet from "Dr. Who"

One of the most popular villains to ever appear on the Dr. Who series, these lumbering vending machines are about as scary as an ATM. Ok... An ATM armed with what looks to be a plunger and a Hair dryer. EX-TER-MI-NATE!" "OH MY GOD! IT'S THE DALEK'S! Everybody walk away"












a Tiny Doll as Chucky in Child's Play

Oh No! Chucky's loose again! We're dead for sure this time! Unless we...get up on a chair. If you get murdered by a Cabbage Patch Kid, you deserve it.







Martin Kove as John Kreese in Karate Kid I, II and III

We'll look past the ass-whooping you took at the beginning of Karate Kid II from the four-foot-three, eighty-year-old man who used to run Al's Diner on Happy Days. Everyone has an off day. But the bottom line is, you can't have a perm and expect people to fear you. Mercy is for the weak, but hot rollers are for straight up pussies.







Demi Moore as Madison Lee in Charlie's Angel's 2 Full Throttle

I don't know what it was that didn't work for Demi in this role. It might have been that she never changed her facial expression throughout this movie. Every scene she looks like she's having a conversation about politics with Ashton. She must have been the only one on the set who read the script.


Megatron as Megatron in Transformers: The Movie

Not only did he transform into a gun, he transformed into a crappy, bitch-sized gun. A Walther P-38. If you're gonna be a gun how about at least being one from Post World War II? I suppose when your most loyal soldier is a fucking tape deck, this sort of shoddiness is to be expected.











Samuel L. Jackson as "Mr. Glass" in Unbreakable

The only thing more feeble than the plots to M. Night Shyamalan's movies is Samuel L. Jackson in this movie that pits an indestructible Bruce Willis against a comic book collector who's femurs break when the wind blows. The fact that M. Night used one of our favorite badasses in this frail role is bad enough, but giving him that haircut was Unforgivable.






John Travolta as Any Bad Guy in Broken Arrow, Battlefield Earth, The Punisher, Swordfish, Face Off and Look Who's Talking Now.

Stop it John Travolta. Just stop it. You're not a good villain. Look at these movies! What more proof do you need? We graciously allowed you to come back into our lives and the public eye when Tarantino decided to cast you because he has a soft spot for cheesy, 70's pop culture and Welcome Back Kotter, and this is how you repay us? For shame, John Travolta.





Honorable Mention:
Terence Stamp as General Zod in Superman 2

He didn't make the list because... well neither of us go a week without, at some point, telling girls to "Kneel Before Zod". But he is mentioned because he was roughly a foot an a half shorter than Ursa his first in command. Plus he looks like a Bee Gee.

So there you have it folks. The Undebatable 11 Worst Villains in cinematic history. So here's where you go ahead and waste everyone's time by spouting off your unfounded and barely literate alternatives. Who wants to be the first to point out that we didn't mention Arnold Schwarzanagger in Batman and Robin? You're move.