Every other Wednesday, Ryan McKee will imagine what it might be like to date your friends. You submit your friend's MySpace page, and he will date them. Maybe even for real.
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You can see the traditional Jewish nose.
A member named Asmar said I should try to find find Mormon or Jehovah's Witness dating sites. However, I'm too lazy to look. So I joined J-Date and found the lovely Asian, Maybelia.
Quotes pulled from her J-Date page: I am a very spiritual person. At the moment that includes my commitment to the journey of conversion to Judaism.
My perfect first date: Something relaxed with the ability to converse yet not have to.
I am looking for a: someone with a sense of humor. I love to laugh. I NEED to laugh. Life is way too serious and I need someone who is able to shoulder the balance between responsibility and fun.
The Date
When I arrive at her home, she points at my hat and laughs.
"Oh, you read my profile! I like to laugh. Your propeller hat is great."
"It's my only hat that looks like a Yamaha."
"You mean yarmulka?" she says.
"So...I thought this was J-Date..."
"Just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean I'm not as Jewish as you," she yells.
"You didn't let me finish, I was going to say, I didn't know it was Juicy Date...because you're juicier than a thick matzo ball."
"Matzo balls aren't juicy."
"Really? I wouldn't know, I'm not Jewish," I confess.
"Why are you on J-Date?"
"I got the impression from Sarah Silverman's act that Jewish girls are easy."
"Okay, you're an asshole."
"Hey, would an asshole bring you food from your homeland? How about heaping carton of Pork Fried Rice?"
"I'm Filipino, not Chinese."
"Sorry, I thought you were Mexican."
She rolls her eye. "Plus, the Jewish faith forbids eating pork."
"But I asked for it Kosher."
She starts to close the door.
"Wait, just give me another chance. I want to learn about Judaism AND I like to laugh too. So what better place to explore the truths of religion than at the All Jew Review Comedy Show?"
Dining on Jewish cuisine
After a moment, she agrees.
"Great, let me just hail a rickshaw...I mean cab."
At the Hollywood Improv, people are staring at us. Maybe it's because I'm not Jewish. Or maybe because we're a multi-racial couple. Or maybe it's my T-shirt which reads: "Mel Gibson Can Suck It! Go Jewy Jew Jews!"
Before the show starts, I buy Maybelina a Singapore Sling in a souvenir glass and myself a beer for $35. The waitress reminds me that I'll still have to buy another round to meet the two-drink minimum.
"Oy vey!"
The first comedian takes the stage and opens with: "What's the deal with Moses? You'd think after parting the Red Sea, he would be able to navigate the desert in under 40 years."
The crowd laughs. I don't understand, but I don't want to be left out, so I yell, "Yeah, fuck that Moses guy, right?"
People begin staring again.
The comedian continues his act: "And what's the deal with Yom Kippur? More like Yom Free-Day-Off-Work, right?"
To me, it's like he's speaking some foreign, Jewy language. How am I supposed to learn anything about Judaism if I can't follow along? And what if he's making fun of me and I don't even realize it?
"Boooooooo!" I yell.
"Hey buddy, if you think you can do a better job, get up here and try," the comic says.
As I'm walking to the stage, I realize I may have to fight this guy. Everyone knows Jews have the power of the undead. So I grab some garlic scrimp from a table and chuck them at him.
"Take that! Demon of the night!"
It doesn't faze him. Oh fuck, that's vampires who fear garlic not Jews. I always get those two mixed up.
Surprisingly, he doesn't fight me, just walks off stage saying something of a lawsuit.
On stage, I just silently stare at Maybelina. Awkward coughs sound across the room until someone yells, "Tell a joke, smartass!"
"I'm relaxed and comfortable with Maybelia. I can converse, yet I don't have to. I am her perfect first date."
The room is quiet, except for a man at the back who screams, "Fag!"
"I am a fag. A fag for that girl right there," I say and point to my date. Rushing off stage, I carry Maybelia to a private place where we make sweet interracial love.
Afterwards, instead of smoking cigarettes, we both open fortune cookies. I read mine aloud: "You will sleep with a Filipino Jew."
Jewy Jew Jew thru and thru!
Maybelia adds, "...in bed."
"Close," I say. "In the backseat of a Toyota Corolla."
I guess Sarah Silverman's act is right, Jewish girls are easy.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 2/14/2007 4:22:56 AM
Way to spin totally out of control on this one. Maybelia should post some pictures that don't accentuate the hugeness-and vacuousness-of her face so much.
Posts: 1054 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 2/14/2007 8:35:51 AM
best of the series.
this one will make me go back and read the others again, because i must admit, i haven't been too big of a fan of this column. but, "i guess what I'm trying to say is, if i can change, and you can change, everybody can change.."
I thought it was solid, but not spectacular. The Moses heckle and the fortune cookie deal were quite good, I would say.
Matzo balls, once in the soup, become quite juicy.
P.S. Is it "Maybelina" (2x, including title) or "Maybelia" (3x)? Either makes me want to punch her in the throat, but "Maybelina" makes me want to punch her mom in the throat, too. On the other hand, any woman who could fit the entire package, including both cubes, in her yap at one time would be worth at least a couple Singapore Slings.
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 2/14/2007 10:28:42 AM
you never miss on these articles mckee. it hurts to laugh because "fat college girl with big tits and no ambition" gave me her cold the other day, but the pain was well worth it. nest time you should date a recovering dyke. just a thought.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 2/14/2007 11:09:01 AM
Great work. This should be a daily column.
I agree that Mabelina should be shot in her huge face. It already freaks me out when an asian speaks perfect english, but an asian who has one of those Jewish accents??? awful and completely freaky.
Beeque, what the fuck are you talking about??? I know at least 400 Irish girls in their thirties who still look like they're in high school.
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