Every other Wednesday, Ryan McKee will imagine what it might be like to date your friends. You submit your friend's MySpace page, and he will date them. Maybe even for real.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
The face of an Infomericial Angel
It's the best worst thing on the Internet these days: Magic Bullet. And this week, iDate it's star, Mimi. I haven't been getting a lot of reader suggestions for iDates, so please keep them coming on the boards. Keep your eyes open for crazy people on Myspace or people who write weird blogs about cats - anything.
The Magic Bullet Infomericial
The Date
I open the door to my apartment and there stands Mimi with her $30 smile and a long Virginia Slim hanging from her Creme Puff fingers.
"Wait a second," she gasps. "Wait just a second, this is where you live? Wow, it's great! What a time saver! Your front door opens directly into your bedroom."
"Well, actually it's a studio apartment, there is only one room."
"1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 3 seconds. That's all it takes me to walk inside!" she says while walking in. She looks up and turns in the middle of the room like she's in the Sistine Chapel or hemophiliac kid let outdoors for the first time.
"Uh, I just live here because it's cheap," I say.
"Really! It's cheap too? Wait a second, let me get this straight. You live in Hollywood, there's fresh fertilizer on your lawn ...
"Do you mean the bum shit?" I ask.
"Yes! Free bum shit. And you can roll out of your bed straight into the bathtub! That's such a time saver! I would pay a million dollars to live here."
"I pay $800 a month."
"12 easy payments of $800 a month. Get out! You're raping your landlord! Do all your of neighbors pay the same?"
"Or less," I say.
"Oh my god, your poor landlord is like Jodi Foster in The Accused. And you're all the drunk rednecks raping her on the pinball machine."
"Actually, he's a fat Armenian guy who smells like onions and a Star Trek convention."
She spots the dinner I've made for us sitting on top of the refrigerator.
"Did you bake these yourself?" she asks.
"They're Meatball Hot Pockets."
"Hot what?"
"You've never heard of Hot Pockets?"
"Sorry, my diet is mostly fruit smoothies and coffee. That's all the producers will let me have on the Magic Bullet set. I shit constantly. But there's no bathroom. That's not a real house you know."
She starts eating the Hot Pocket.
"This hurts my teeth," she says.
Hazel and her ever-present cigarette
"That's because you didn't take it out of the heating sleeve. You're chewing on aluminum and cardboard."
"Heating sleeve! That's ingenious. It's like a personal, versatile, countertop magician." Tears begin falling from her eyes and she screams, "I just can't do it anymore! I hate this crappy shit!"
"Shh, shh, calm down. It's all right," I say comforting. "Here, how about some minced garlic for your Hot Pocket. I minced it myself."
"Really? You're letting me have this?" she says. "The only time they let me eat any garlic is when Hazel's cigarette ash falls in a batch. Usually it's too pricey."
"You know what else is too pricey? Your tongue not being in my mouth."
"What does that mean ..."
Before she can finish, I being kissing her garlic-covered mouth. She moans like a Magic Bullet chopping batteries.
"Wait," she says, crying. "I might seem like great buy, like something you can use every single day. But don't fall in love with me."
"Don't worry, I won't," I say and go back to kissing her neck like George Forman licks the grease off his Grills.
"Stop. There's something you should know. Infomercial actors don't have genitals."
"You're lying," I say.
She pulls up her pink dress, shows me her Barbie doll crotch, and says, "Informercial actors are bred in test tubes. We're predisposed to overact and be super-excited about shitty products."
"Like the Bedazzler?"
"Oh my god! They're so fast, so simple, and so stylish ... No, please stop distracting me."
"So, why don't you have the hairy tarantula face?" I ask.
"Thirty years ago, infomercial actors got so excited about Flowbee they started a 46-day long orgy. Most of them died of starvation. The ones who survived ate the other ones, then raped the scientists. That's why now they breed us without genitals. I'll never be able to love for real!" she cries.
"Wow, I'm so sorry. Do you want to help me spread seeds on my Chia Pet instead?"
"Cha, Cha, Cha, Chia!? Oh my god! It's the perfect pet!" she squeals and jumps me. Before I know it, my pants down and she's giving me a Magic Bullet hand job.
"Just press and twist. This should take less than 10 seconds. I ... 2 ... and 3 ... 3 seconds," she says.
Suddenly her head explodes and FBI agents kick down my door with their guns drawn.
"What the fuck?!" I scream.
One of the agents speaks, "Sir, infomercial actors have exploding microchips in their brains that go off if they're sexually stimulated. It's another defense to keep them breeding."
"She never told me that."
She's crying, but her tears are invisible to the camera
"They don't know," the agent says. "It's rare they are ever stimulated. Plus, we think it's kind of funny when it happens."
"Wow, I guess she's like a personal, versatile, explodes, handjob magician!" I say.
We all have a good belly laugh and I invite them in for coffee, which I grind with my Magic Bullet.
Posts: 452 Rank: 26 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/23/2007 9:07:29 AM
banged on of those TV infomercial people before. It was great! It was very convenient that I am a lazy fat bastard, because I just lay there and she could get a workout out of it. It was also very convenient that I have a baby dick, because she could walk fine the next day. I was a plus that I am an emotionally detached prick, because she could just fuck me, get out, and continue on with her day.
...there goes my next Buy Curious article you thieving son of a bitch. Nobody steals money out of Jayson Mattthews' wallet. Nobody! But since we don't get paid, I guess you didn't.
Posts: 368 Rank: 22 Joined:
2/21/2007
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 5/23/2007 9:45:56 AM
Another good iDate, and Baffoe's piece seems like it would be pretty good if I could actually WATCH THE FUCKING MOVIES!!!! Goddamn corporate douchebags, blocking youtube...
How long before everyone's fiancee' TLamp has a story about being banged on a pinball machine or licking grease off of something on a Foreman grill? I say before noon central standard time.
Posts: 1049 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 5/23/2007 10:27:59 AM
5 Ron Popelle mistresses falling down some stairs.
Sadly when I was 11 all I wanted was a RONCO Food Dehydrator and on my birthday what was under the tree? Well I dont remember exactely, but it sure as hell wasn't a food dehydrator. WORST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!
That Ron could sell an electric hair brush to a chemo patient he's so good. What is everyone else's favorite Infomercial product? Other than the obvious food dehydrator I have to go with Ronco Spray on hair. Hair in a fucking can, GENIOUS! Wait what????
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
