 | Not enough wax |
Right about the time it finally starts warming up is about the time I get sick and tired of hearing all the ladies bitch and moan about having to get ready for swimsuit season. Everyone knows that soon summer will be here. Remarkably, it still happens every year. And most of the females bitching are just waiting for some guy to tell them, You are skinny. You dont have to worry about that. This lie then allows them to keep replacing the trip to the gym with Happy Hour or another trip to 31 Flavors. Of course this is really about fitting into a bikini. The real problem is the ladies dont realize there are two sides to swimsuit season. There is a real effort men go through to get into good banana hammock shape. Of course the ladies dont have to deal with hearing about it mostly because we dont openly comment on it in hopes theyll say something nice to soothe our egos, but getting into banana hammock shape is a real chore. The males of the species, however, just go ahead and go about this task without any thanks.
There are a few essential undertakings weundertake, in order to get into that perfect shape for getting our banana ready to lounge away the summer in its hammock. First, I shave my balls, but keep that on the down low. Im not telling anyone that. As a matter of fact I doubt you would be able to tell that. Well, except you wont see all that unsightly mess of hair sticking out from the sides of the hammock. You know, the way you would expect every man to look. Theyd have all those short and curlies bursting out like a pubic volcano. At least all of those who havent worked on getting into banana hammock shape.
In addition to getting rid of all those pubes, the next piece of the puzzle is waxing the rest of the body. Chest hair, gone. Legs, silky smooth. Treasure trail, hidden. It just wouldnt look proper running around like a sasquatch with a bald beaver. No, when you get into banana hammock shape you go all out. No hair anywhere. Well, almost anywhere.
While I have gone and waxed off all the hair on my chest, legs, and crotch, maybe my ass, there is still an area no man working on getting into banana hammock shape will touch. No, I wont touch my back. While most of my body says "random guy in some soft core porn on Skin-emax", my back screams Ron Jeremy. What better way to prove I do not suffer from {hairless disease} then to leave a nice mat of hair in the one place I dont have to look at it? Im sure the ladies will tell you there is nothing sexier then seeing a guy whose been laying out all day and has built up a sweat. The good kind of sweat. You know, the kind that mats down all that back hair. Tasty.
Next is the overhang. This may or may not be to allow the banana hammock wearer to think they are tooling around unfettered by clothing. This mound of spare tire keeps you from actually seeing the hammock you are wearing. Although the grip of latex on your carls and up the crack of your ass should keep you from that. But as you look yourself over, you see nothing by your own glorious semi-nudity. The best way to keep this up is to work on this year round. A steady diet of happy hour Guinness followed by late night slices, or Taco Bell. Im sure some ladies will say they are into a six pack of rock hard abs, but when teamed with a snug banana hammock, nothing but a little belly will do.
Of course, before you hit the pool or the Jersey shore, you want to make sure you dont burn. Dermatologists lately have recommended sunscreen with lots of SPF, but what if you miss a spot? Then you just look like a jackass with some nice bright red spots where you couldnt reach. No, really the best way to avoid looking stupid is just to go ahead and tan. Another year round adventure you should consider. Folks know Ive never been to Mexico, but gaddamn I look like I spend every weekend there. Besides, tanning year round provides that sexy leathery look that everyone wants to achieve but few do.
Now you throw on some gold chains and you are in perfect banana hammock shape and you havent had to bother anyone by bitching about the process.
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