It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It- oh, fuck it. This is small-market baseball. That means there is no "best of times". Only differing degrees of "worse". We can't even say "worst", because for these bargain-basement clubs, no matter how bad it is today, there's a good possibility that the nadir, the absolute bottom, has yet to be reached.
Today the Phat Phree presents a more-or-less cockeyed look at two of the more glaring examples of the nowhere land that is small-market baseball. These two are the Pittsburgh Pirates, who are well on the way to their thirteenth consecutive losing season, and the Kansas City Royals, who are well on the way to their third 100-loss season in four years. Both were powerful franchises in the not-too-distant past. Just two decades ago Kansas City won a World Championship, and as recently as the early '90s the Pirates won three straight National League East titles. Those glory days are gone- long gone. And from the looks of things, they aren't returning any time soon.
On to our Tale:
The Royales with Cheese by Ryan Dardan
You know what they call a... a... a bad baseball team in Paris? The Royales with Cheese. Now, Im not talking no small-town, Single-A team here; Im talking about a major league club. The Kansas City Royals. They are a bad team. They are a bad team, Mikey. They are a bad team bad team. Just like your dealer when youre short on cash, this team leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Just take a look at the exploits Royale's fans have had to endure on the way to another 100-loss season this year:
Manager Tony Pena walks out on the team. After a glorious 8-25 start, Tony Pena just up and leaves the team. He doesnt even give a hard-to-understand explanation in broken English to the team or anyone else. Of course, a few weeks later it comes out that Tony had had an affair with a neighbors wife and had caused the marriage to fall apart. At that point he had two choices: do what only 29 other people in the world can do, manage a Major League Baseball team, and let their PR people sweep his affair under the rug, or testify in open court of ruining some guys marriage and pretend he never had anything to do with the Royales. He chose the latter.
For the St. Louis fans
People only show up for free shit. While there are 10,000 sadists that show up for most Royales games, the biggest crowds are always there when they give away teddy bears and $1 hot dogs. Math wizards, do you realize that the savings you get cause you can feed the family for $4 on that night is offset by the $9 for parking and the $48 for tickets? Of course, the biggest crowd here in months has been for the powder blue t-shirt night. Ah the powder blue tee, harkening back to the days of 85 when George Brett held down the hot corner with a lot of pine tar and they had a World Series championship. Which, by the way, is more recent then their cross-state rival Cardinals' latest World Series victory. (Suck it, Cards fans). But there can be no way the Royales draw the necessary 20,000 to run out of these shirts. Attendance: 26,216. Its 102 degrees out, and yet 6,216 too many of you still come for free shit and make my list of people to kill.
The owner wont spend a goddamn dime. David Glass owns the Royales. David Glass runs Wal-Mart. God shops at Wal-Mart for the low, low prices. Thus, David Glass has more money then God. Yet, the Royales have the 2nd lowest payroll in all of baseball. They reduced their payroll by $10 million from last year. Last year the Royales made a profit. So let me get this straight- the Royales had a payroll that was $10 million higher then it is now and they were able to make a profit, and so the next logical step is to reduce payroll? Cheap bastard probably feeds his family on $1 hot dog night also.
As the leadoff batter, I bat first?
WWDJD? What Would DeJesus Do? David DeJesus would bat out of order. How does a major league baseball player bat out of order? Never is it excusable for someone to bat out of turn in Major League Baseball, but it wasnt even an odd situation; there was no pinch hitter (unless DeJesus was using one in the dugout which could explain a lot) and no one was subbing for an injured player. In fact, DeJesus was the leadoff hitter. The guy batting 2nd ended up batting before him. DeJesus, Websters defines "leadoff hitter" as this: The very first person to bat. No one, and we repeat, no one should bat before you, dumbass. Yep, DeJesus, that was your job description that night, leadoff hitter, and still someone batted in front of you.
These Royales with Cheese can give a man heartburn. The biggest cheers of the year have come upon the Royales reaching their 12th hit of the ballgame and triggering a free dozen Krispy Kremes for everyone in attendance. The other day the Royales pulled one out of their ass in the bottom of the 13th, but were the cheers really for the W or the fact that it was hit number 12? For now Ill go with the donuts as I sit around watching former Royales start in the All-Star game for other teams without a powder blue t-shirt to wipe the donut crumbs from my face.
I Hate The Fucking Pirates by Michael Hagesfeld
Man, I am so sick of the goddamn Pittsbugh Pirates. Seriously, I mean, when are they just going to blink out of existence? Why must they torture me so? Sure, theyve got a fancy new park that everyone loves, and the coolly consistent Western Pennsylvania black-and-gold color scheme, but I am sick of everyone being all over their jocks. Let me tell you a few reasons why they fucking suck:
Warning: Clubhouse Cancer
Matt Lawton Twins got rid of him. Mets got rid of him. Indians got rid of him. Now it's the Pirates on his Midwest Mid-Market Team Tour. Well, watch out Cincinnati, because theres probably a cancer headed to your clubhouse as we speak. Author's note: Lawton DID in fact take his clubhouse cancer to a new midwest stop after this was written, but it was to Chicago for the suddenly well-traveled Jody Gerut. As if the Cubs needed another curse.
Daryle Ward Are you kidding me? Daryle? Learn how to spell, man!
Douchebag
Jack Wilson Wow, if this is not the most colorless guy in all of sports. Someone find out which mob guy he ratted out, because Jack Wilson is nobodys real name. And look whose performance has taken a drastic slide this year (from 200 hits last year to on pace for fewer than 160 this year; 40 doubles down to fewer than 25 projected). What was your old hat size, Mr. Wilson?
Jason Bay Rookie of the Year my ass. More like Rookie of the Suck. Does anyone in the league look like more of a douche bag?
Oliver Perez How many fantasy teams wasted a high draft pick on this cock-tease? Yeah, Im bitter because he made my teams ERA blow up like Britney Spears in a Hostess Thrift Store, but that doesnt mean this sac-licker doesnt suck ass.
Kip Wells Someone fetch Kip another Perrier, he looks warm. Careful so your docksiders dont slip down the mound, Kip. Good thing youve got that trust fund to fall back on, Kipper, because you arent getting another decent contract for the rest of your career.
Lloyd McClendon Id say his managerial career was even worse than his playing career (.249 BA, .381 slugging), except for his brilliant performance on June 26, 2001, when he showed you actually can steal first base. But arguing with umps like Piniella doesnt mean you can manage like Piniella, as his lifetime .435 winning percentage shows.
Your fault, Joe Table
<Jose Mesa 1997. That is all.
And that's it. That's our Tale of Two Cities. If you're not a fan of these two woebegone clubs... be thankful you aren't. If you are, well, we at the Phat Phree are the last people on earth to advocate switching allegiances. Just suck it up, stick it out, and remember- there's always the winter meetings and next season's trading deadline to look forward to. Imagine the rich haul of prospects Mike Sweeney is going to fetch in a deal. Think about a bright future that is always a few years down the road, like a desert mirage. And hey- there's always the glorious histories of both teams from which to draw solace. For example, did you know that the last two teams to come back from 3-1 deficits to win the World Series are Pittsburgh and Kansas City? That's something to be proud of, right?
Cleveland Sucks Posted: 2/13/2006by: Steeler Fan Your football team is the color of shit. pittsburgh... Posted: 11/17/2005by: Adam To the writer of the article about Pittsburgh: Your writing is pretty much awful. The only way you got a laugh out of me was by calling oliver perez a "sac-licker"; if you have to resort to foul language being the basis of your humor, you may want to look into finding another job. 1/2 Irish-1/2 Amazing Posted: 8/13/2005by: Jeff Nagus Listen up KC-- it is so pathetic that every year the only sell outs you have are when the Cardinals come to town and fill 75% of Kauffman-- have some GD pride for your franchise. Another thing I am tired of hearing about is that the St. Louis Football fans didn't suffer enough for the Super Bowl-- remember the football Cardinals? They were and still are the worst franchise in history--Bidwell can never show his face in this town again-- just like Don Denkinger who was the umpire responsible for the Royals lone World Championship-- go ahead and keep it-- its a gift from your big brother to the east, we'll be content with our other nine. My brother is a reporter for a station in KC and made the comment " the only thing more empty than the KC stadiums is their trophy case." By the way Tech Nine is the worst thing to come out of Missouri since the Dred Scot Verdict. Jason Bay Posted: 8/12/2005by: F.G. Have you seen Jason Bay's numbers this year? .304 avg. 22 HR 67 RBI 13 SB .394 OBP .563 SLG
What the fuck is Khalil Greene doing this year?
billyheisman Posted: 8/2/2005by: billyheisman Hey, the Royales blow, but at least we don't have huge expectations of how great we are going to be, hype up our players for MVP trophies, and then take a huge, steamy crap on our season and piss away everything only to, in the end, go to sleep at night dreaming of how "unlucky" we are. That, my friend, would be the MU fan. Rebuttal Posted: 8/2/2005by: g For the record, I'm not a Cards fan. I think someone hit it on the head the other day when they were bitching about Cards fans giving Eckstein a standing ovation for not tripping on his way out to short. Yes, they are loyal, and yes they are very knowledgeable, but not my team.
KC residents who did not go to MU or KU are indeed MU football fans, while also being KU basketball fans. That is a fact, and it only lends to the idea that KC people are sports illiterate.
Go back in time to 1999, watching Sunday afternoon football in the MU dorms. Chiefs on CBS, Rams on FOX. By the second half, all TV's are on FOX, and everyone in RED is cheering for the Rams. This happened every Sunday until the Chiefs hired Vermeil, then they waited until the 3rd quarter to root for the Rams.
Decreased fan support in those cities mentioned is one thing, absolutely abandoning the team is quite another. Kaufmann is sold out 4 times a year: opening day, and the 3 times STL comes in town to play, which incidentally turns the entire stadium red. I've been to Busch when the Royals are in town, and you have to search for the blue. Case closed, KC sucks a fart out of my ass. Just got back... Posted: 8/2/2005by: bryan from KC sunday night. I'm from Independence and I can tell you that 99% of the Chiefs fans I know, including myself, still consider the "Lams" to be an LA team. Don't get me started on the GD Jayhawks. I've met George Brett and have been a Royals fan since birth. I know they suck, but so does "G" and I'm sure his mom still loves him....maybe. I bought two things while I was home, A KC hat and an MU hat. I wear them with pride. Oh yeah, I was at the Royals/White Sox game last Wednesday and those that stayed weren't just cheering for the donuts.
I bet G was a Cowboys fan in the 90's Stupid Cards fans Posted: 8/2/2005by: Sheriff And this is why KC fans hate StL fans, G. I was at MU when the Rams were bad and I never saw a flag or any sign of support. Then all of a sudden there were Rams fans. And only because they were good. Fair weather??? Yes..I'd say so. I've also never ran into anyone in KC that jumps around like that when it comes team support. That's just stupid talk.
Listen, you idiot..all teams go through periods of decreased fan support when the team is bad for so long. It happened to the Cubs and the Cards in the 70's and early 80's. Rockies fans are 24 out of 30 teams this year (not exactly what I would call great fan support). Seattle continues to lose fan support, but still draw reasonably well.
Stupid people like you is why MU has the worst fans in the Big 12 (other than Colorado). Oh and the Royals aren't leaving. Idiot. KC BLows Posted: 8/2/2005by: G I feel your pain on the Mizzou front Chuck, we truly are the most cursed team (all sports) of any collegiate or pro team on Earth.
KC Fans: Suck it. I don't want to hear it. Yeah, your owner sucks, and yeah your team sucks. And guess what......the Chiefs suck too. But worst of all are the "fans" that live in KC. If you look up fair weather fan in the dictionary, you will see your faces. How many STL Rams flags were flying in the greater KC area in 2001, when the Chiefs were average and the Rams ruled??? TONS. I can't count how many times i've heard "yeah, I'm from KC so I'm an MU football fan, KU basketball fan, Cardinals fan, and Chiefs(2002)/Rams(2001) fan". I hate every one of you. People in St. Louis hate you, and for good reason -- you are their rivals!! Please get this idea straight, and keep to your own "city".
Show up for your games, and root for your fucking Royals. You are fortunate enough to have a major league team (i'm sure Louisville, Tulsa, Las Vegas, Memphis, and countless other more qualified cities would love to take your shit team) so don't take it for granted!! If you need assistance in doing this, please visit the following ballparks: Wrigley, Busch, Fenway, Coors, SBC, and Safeco. They all show up when the going is rough, so fuck you KC, I don't want to hear it!!! Wait a Second. Posted: 8/2/2005by: Tom A Colorado has a major league baseball team? For real?
