Every Thursday this season (or more or less every Thursday, depending on whether or not we drink on Wednesday), resident Phat Phree college football enthusiasts J.P. Melkus and Jesse Lamovsky will combine their creative and prognosticative (?) powers to preview just a few of each Saturday's games.
J.P. starts off the 2006 season with an in-depth look at the Miami-Florida State grudge match, annually a game filled with fantastic talent, good trash-talking, questionable characters, bad weather, terrible kicking, and stands filled with some of the best bra-busters you'll see in college football this season. Jesse will open up with a four-game parlay, as a quartet of Southeastern Conference schools host teams from way out West. It isn't all-encompassing, and if you bet off our predictions you not only should be banned from this site but shot in the street like the Viet Cong guy in that one picture (Napalm will do the honors).
MIAMI FLORIDA STATE
By J.P. Melkus
After last years 10-7 Clash of the Former Titans, its a wonder this is still considered one of college footballs biggest rivalries. This is made all the more apparent by the fact that since Miami left the Big Least, it seems like these two teams play at least three times a year now. Nonetheless, despite the fact that it is played on a Monday and not the college football sabbath of Saturday, this matchup is the biggest game of the Labor Day weekend debut of college footballs 2006 season, and as such deserves some analysis. To wit:
Are there two more hated teams in college football? No. Sure, Auburn fans hate Alabama. Sure, Colorado fans hate Nebraska. Sure, Ole Miss fans hate Abe Lincoln. But, there are no two teams who inspire so much nationwide hatred by fans of all stripes and allegiances as Florida State and Miami.
Is it because Florida State is a former all-girls school that rose up from the inbred, unwashed, snake-infested backwater of the Florida panhandle to national collegiate football prominence? No. Is it because Miami is a third-rate city college whose gang of castoffs raped, shot, and danced their way to national collegiate football prominence? No. Theres one simple reason: these two teams have beaten the fuck out of everybody who stepped in their path for the vast majority of the past twenty-six years.
No doubt, there has been some slippage for both teams in the past few years, but Florida State was ranked in the top five EVERY WEEK for nearly half of my life. Think about that. Even Nebraska, who had the most consistently winning program from 1970 to 2001, slipped out of the Top 25 for a while, as I recall but dont have the energy to double-check right now. And Miami? Forget about it. Since coming out of nowhere to prominence under Howard Schnellenberger in 1980 or so, this team has been one of the best college football teams of all time ever since.
And it hasnt always been the same type of program. Ill grant you that under Dennis Erickson and for many years before, Miami players were issued firearms, crack, steroids and rape uniforms by the U, but, under Larry Coker, the Canes havent been any more wily than any other major college program. Yet, despite all that, both programs continue to suck balls and I hate each of them.
Reasons Florida State Will Lose Florida State is led by a decrepit, putrefying good ol boy whose best days are behind them. There last star quarterback that I can remember got lyme disease, and their running game has room for nothing but improvement. Lorenzo Booker needs to put up a serious threat this year to open up the pass. To do that, FSUs inexperienced line needs time to develop. Too bad this is the first game of the year. As a result, Drew Weatherford will spend more time on his back than Drew Weatherfords girlfriend, and the stout Miami defense will smother FSU like an unwanted Chinese daughter in a low-scoring 14-10 whack-off.
Reasons Miami Will Lose To quote the Associated Press: Four Miami Hurricane players, including running back Tyrone Moss and receiver Ryan Moore, were suspended for the Sept. 4 season opener against Florida State because they violated team policy. Linebacker James Bryant and receiver Rashaun Jones also were suspended, coach Larry Coker said Tuesday. To quote from TMC, on www.miami-hurricanes.com We're ALL F#@%IN' soldiers!....... Indeed.
No one knows what exactly happened, but its a safe bet these guys werent just late to practice. These suspensions leaving a gaping hole in Miamis offense, and a small hole in their defense, one just big enough for Lorenzo Booker and Drew Weatherford to jam both fists into. Assuming home-turf advantage isnt negated by Hurricane Ernesto (what FSU-Miami game would be complete without a hurricane?), it will be negated by a lack of offensive talent in this years squad. As a result, Miami will lose 21-10.
Hoping against hope that Ernesto doesnt wipe both programs off the map, all I can say to both Miami and Florida State is, Prove me wrong, kids! Prove me wrong.
SEC Parlay
By Jesse Lamovsky
The South has taken a beating in the national media pretty much since Grant, Sherman, and Sheridan turned the region into a parking lot in the 1860s, and TPP isnt above taking some potshots of its own at the old Confederacy. It's an easy target, and nobody sues you for it. But when youre talking football, all that anti-Southern shit needs to be cut short. Along with the Midwest, when it comes to the game known by some Aussies and Brits as gridiron, the South is Gods Country.
Southern football is pre-eminent at the college level. The Southeastern Conference is regarded by more than a few as the deepest, best major-college league in America. The Big 12 is Texas, Oklahoma, and nothing else. The Pac-10 would be the Mountain West without USC. The Big Ten has two perennial contenders- Ohio State and Michigan- and a bunch of teams that generally never have more than two good years in a row (that includes Penn State, whose run as a national power happened when they were filling their schedules with the likes of Rutgers, Temple, and Army).
The knock on the SEC (besides the fact that every school except Vanderbilt has been caught cheating its ass off at some point) has always been that its teams are inordinately fond of early-season match-ups against black land-grant colleges and rinky-dink directional schools. September Saturdays in SEC country generally feature conference powers mercilessly beating up on outclassed opponents like rednecks bum-rushing a civil rights worker with a goatee and a degree in philosophy from NYU. And to be sure, thats still the case in quite a few SEC locales this weekend. Georgia opens its season with the I-AA Western Kentucky Hilltoppers. LSU has a creamy, scrumptious in-state bon-bon, Louisiana-Lafayette. Other opponents on this seasons non-conference docket include Louisiana-Monroe, horrible, horrible Buffalo (the obligatory MAC sacrifice), Tennessee State, Florida Atlantic, Wofford, and Texas State, the school from Necessary Roughness.
So, like superb barbeque, high church attendance, and grown men infantilizing their names, the Southern tradition of running it up against blatantly inferior local competition on sweltering September afternoons is alive and well. But this Saturday, the SEC is breaking the mold, as four of its members square off in home games against schools from way out West; three from the Pac-10, including two of that conferences best teams. Week One of the 2006 college football season at TPP focuses on the SEC-Pac-10 Challenge, as well as another long-distance matchup, just for shits and giggles.
Washington State at Auburn
Auburn fans remember acutely the last time the Tigers opened the season at home against a Pac-10 school. It was 2003, and USC came onto the Plains and kicked the National Championship aspirations right out of Auburn 23-0, starting a season of disappointment that saw the highly touted Tigers limp to the not-so-lofty heights of a Music City Bowl berth.
This year there is no Sports Illustrated cover, and the opponent isnt Leinart, Colbert, Williams, and Bush- its a Washington State team that was nowhere near Pac-10 contention last year. And Auburn is again loaded, especially on offense. The Tigers were the most potent team in the SEC in 05, and not much figures to change in that regard, with quarterback Brandon Cox, receiver Courtney Taylor, and Kenny Irons, the conferences leading rusher, all back. 2005 was supposed to be a rebuilding year, and Auburn still went 9-3. Theyll be expected to win big this year.
Like they always seem to, the Cougs have an excellent passing game, the star being receiver Jason Hill. But with the Ghost, Jerome Harrison, having departed for the Browns (where he looks like a steal as a fifth-round pick), Washington State will be hard-pressed to run the ball against an Auburn defense that is light-years better than any of the Pac-10s ragged units including their own. Auburn will beat the living crap out of Washington State.
Wack Predicto: Auburn 49, Washington State 14
California at Tennessee
Cal can withstand a loss a lot easier than the Volunteers when the two meet in Knoxville Saturday. Despite being ranked 14 spots higher than Tennessee in the polls (the last time I mention the meaningless pre-season rankings), Cal is still Cal, and a defeat on Saturday wont increase any kind of heat on coach Jeff Tedford from the schools alumni, who are more interested in identity politics, Palestinians, and Gramschian social engineering than in bringing a National Championship to Berkeley. And a Cal loss wont affect the quest for the ultimate prize: the programs first Rose Bowl trip since 1950.
Fish-lipped Phil Fulmer, on the other hand, is right back on the hook Tee Martin got him off of in 1998. Football-crazed U-T backers were anything but pleased at the teams 5-6 record in 05, a mark made even more unsightly by a loss to Vanderbilt in the season finale. Opening the season with a home gork to that den of pinkos in Berkeley wont do anything to enhance his job security. As vastly as Tedford has improved the California program, winning this game would still be a luxury for the Bears. Not so for the Volunteers. They have to have it.
And Tennessee has talent. Theres plenty of speed, David Cutcliffe is back to serve as offensive coordinator, and the kicking game is outstanding. The Volunteers have a veteran secondary to match up against Jeff Tedfords offensive chicanery, and California has the defense to let Tennessee keep pace with it on the scoreboard. Plus you can never underestimate the guile of a man whose fat, stanky ass is on the line- and Fulmers is.
Wack Predicto: Tennessee 35, California 31
USC at Arkansas
The Trojans head to Fayetteville to fulfill the road leg of their home-and-home with Arkansas, one year after wasting the Razorbacks 70-17. But that was Leinart, Bush, White, and Co., and it was in southern California. Those stars are gone, and this years game is in wilds of northwest Arkansas. Hog fans arent the most solicitous bunch- Texas fans on message boards talk about them like British colonial troops talked about the Afghans- and with all day to likker up and feed off fresh grudges until the 7:45 kickoff, they wont be on their best behavior.
For better or for worse, the Razorbacks have more contributors returning than USC, including nine returning defensive starters and the quarterback tandem of Casey Dick and Robert Johnson. Running back Darren McFadden, who rushed for over 1,000 yards and a 6.3 YPC average in 05, is doubtful for the game, but Felix Jones, who also rushed for over six yards per carry as a freshman, is healthy, and will be relied upon to chew up yards and keep USCs offense off the field. Speaking of coaches with job security issues; Houston Nutt has been popular in Fayetteville, but hes come under fire from people who care less about his local ties and his awesome name and more about his two straight losing seasons and 4-7 record in 05, including the embarrassment in Los Angeles.
So, unlike last year, Arkansas is more experienced than USC, and theyre playing at home. But Pete Carroll is done rebuilding in L.A. He's got stud quarterback John David Booty and a whole new crop of terrific runners waiting in the wings. Arkansas will be swinging its Dicks, Nutts, and Johnson's at USC's Booty, but the Trojans will still be virile enough to stay erect in the end. It gives me no pleasure to write it (no more than the homoeroticism in the previous sentence), but the Hogs wont be wiping that smug grin off Carrolls face Saturday night.
Wack Predicto: USC 34, Arkansas 21
Hawaii at Alabama
Its always fun when the Rainbows leave the islands and hit up some distant place on the mainland where youd never expect a Hawaiian to have urgent business. Im pretty sure the Rainbows basketball team didnt really anticipate a trip to Kent, Ohio in January for the 2003 Bracket Buster, and by game time on Saturday night the football team might wish it isnt where it will be- Bryant-Denny Stadium, Tuscaloosa Alabama, jammed with crackers and coloreds in their ten thousands, united in a common howl for the blood of the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors.
The Rainbows will be far from home (appx 4,300 miles) and surrounded by hostile faces. But, they have in-house guidance from a man who knows all about Southern football fanaticism: defensive coordinator Jerry Glanville. The Rainbows also have quarterback Colt Brennan, who threw for 4,301 yards and 35 touchdowns last year. Keep in mind, though, that Western Athletic Conference passing statistics are like Soviet currency- artificially inflated and absolutely worthless everywhere else in the world. As for the defense, Hawaii might as well leave it on the island to cut down on travel costs. Alabama players will trip over Rainbow defenders on their way to the end zone, but only occasionally.
The Crimson Tide will be eager to prove their 9-0 start in 2005 wasnt a fluke. Pretty-boy quarterback Brodie Croyle is gone, but all but one of the other ten starters on offense are back, including star wideout Tyrone Prothro, whose broken leg midway through last season may have cost Bama a shot at the National Title. The Tide lost most of its great defense from last year, but they will still have enough athletes to deal with whatever June Jones throws at them. On the same weekend his arch-nemesis Jeff George returns to active duty, Jones, himself a former player for and coach of the Atlanta Falcons, will experience something else disturbingly recalling of his past- a loss south of the Mason-Dixon.
p.s. Posted: 8/31/2006by: seminole That picture demonstrates why FSU is, was, and always will be the best university on earth. Unless of course you prefer women that have more in common with bovines than humans--in which case, go to the Big Ten, any of them. fuck the Irish, indeed Posted: 8/31/2006by: seminole here's hoping they ignore them all season, even if through some God foresaken turn of events they actually get to the championship. It's the only time I'll root for fucking Penn St. this season, and I actually live in Pa. now.
Don't Talk To Me! Posted: 8/31/2006by: Tangent Guy about the worst coach in college football. Willingham was freakin' Knute Rockne compared to the moron who followed him at Stanford, Buddy "How Y'all Doin" Teevens. Bad enough that any high school kid who runs better than 4.5 or benches more than three hundy can't get into Stanford in the first place: they had to stand Teevens up and point him in the right direction so he knew where the field was.
Solid takes in the article. Cal is a 2 point dog, but they should pull it out. Much nicer racks in pic #1 than in the "Build Your Own Joke" piece. blah blah blah Posted: 8/31/2006by: antony they only fired him because he's black, notredame is just a bunch of racists! quin is doomed to suffer ronpowlusitus, ADMIT IT! weiss cannot overcome the forces at work against him! "Om Namah Shivai" -Mola Ram ty willingham Posted: 8/31/2006by: deuce was on your side when he was head coach in south bend. easily the worst coach in all of college football. there is even a website (firetywillinghamdotcom)
as for brady Q - t brady association.. charlie weiss. "q" was still *learning* the offense last year & posted legit no.'s- i'll take my odds with quinn/ samardzija over bulldog double coverage any day. DC Posted: 8/31/2006by: antony burn in hell forever and ever you cock-sucking, shit-stabbing, ball-licking, bukkake shake drinking, prison salad-tossing, truckstop hand-job giving, san francisco gay pride festival touting, deep throat specializing, tiajuana donkey show after hours cleaning, prize pig studding, quadriplegic necrophiliac pedophile....i'll see you at the tailgate party....bitch deuce Posted: 8/31/2006by: antony i will admit that losing greg blue was painful, and saying fare-thee-well to pope was no cupcake either, but we have enough of a squad returning to slap a bunch of born-again alcoholics and alterboy molesters up and down Sanford stadium. besides that we have the ghosts of ty willingham and ron powlus (whom is now acting as a spy within the weiss regime) on our side. as for brady...remember, no part of his name is 'tom'....
BUT if the 'Dame played those of whom we DO NOT speak...i'd be irish, if only for 3 and a half hours. Antony Posted: 8/31/2006by: dc GATORS OWN UGA. Excuse Me? Posted: 8/31/2006by: Sean How can there be a college football article with no mention of Notre Dame playing this weekend? These writers immediately lose all credibility for ignoring the Irish - whether they like them or not. the link Posted: 8/31/2006by: deuce i dont think i still have it, but just google "keeley hazell" - a british lass with a fantastic natural rack-ola.
antony- damn the irish? it's a shame "we" (suck it, mccoy) don't play georgia this year... i'd love to see brady light up their busch league secondary (lost 3 all-conference DB's last year) for about 600 yds & 5 touchdowns.
No doubt, there has been some slippage for both teams in the past few years, but Florida State was ranked in the top five EVERY WEEK for nearly half of my life. Think about that. Even Nebraska, who had the most consistently winning program from 1970 to 2001, slipped out of the Top 25 for a while, as I recall but dont have the energy to double-check right now. And Miami? Forget about it. Since coming out of nowhere to prominence under Howard Schnellenberger in 1980 or so, this team has been one of the best college football teams of all time ever since. 
SEC Parlay
Washington State at Auburn
California at Tennessee
USC at Arkansas
Hawaii at Alabama
