While practicing my Ishanryu Karate earlier this week I accidentally crushed the cheekbone of my sparring partner with a shuto chop to the face. I apologized, which I felt was only partially necessary, but he just kept mumbling something as he spit blood out of his limp mouth. I asked the Sensei we were training with what the guy was saying and he told me that the guy said I had redecorated his face. That got me thinking. It is time to do a little spring cleaning and redecorating over here at the Phat Phree. So I whipped out the old MM4 Iridium Sat Phone and called that pansy fuck editor, Charlie DeMarco, at the Phat Phree. I told him he had twenty minutes to do away with that pussy ass P rating scale and come with something more manly like the severed ears I keep in a jar in my pack to remind me of fallen enemies and comrades. If he couldnt handle that I was going to rip one of his testicles from the sack, unravel it like a string and hang him with it. He graciously agreed that maybe it was time to give "Soap Chips and Gasoline" a little redesign. So, welcome to my new digs! Pull up a chair, crack a cold frosty Pabst, and watch the sparks fly as I gun down another batch of Hollywood dreck!
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
This movie isnt bad so much as it is completely misguided. Tim Burton just made a wrong turn somewhere. Im guessing it was right around the time he dumped that fine, thick-ass chick Lisa Marie for the Skeletor-looking Helena Bohnam Carter, but thats just my guess. Hmmn, I seem to recall that was during Planet Of The Apes. Its starting to make sense now. I remember this time back in 87 when I was down in Florida doing some swamp training. I had a few days off so I went to the Vegas of the south, Disney World in Orlando. Not Vegas for its gambling culture so much as a tourist trap built in the middle of a ridiculous environment that no human would other wise inhabit without the lure of nine-dollar hot dogs. But after youve stood next to a costumed character and heard the poor kid puke in the mask from the 104-degree heat and have to keep the mask on to not blow the illusion, it almost becomes worth the admission and the jacked-up food prices. I, however, made one small miscalculation on this trip; I ate some acid before getting on "Its A Small World". If you have been on the ride or taken acid, you probably realize what a colossal mistake that was on my part. Ever since then shows like "The Banana Splits", "The Great Space Coaster" and even "Teletubbies" have always taken on a new meaning for me.
I get the feeling Tim Burton has lived through this same experience and decided that annoying childrens programs done as "Small World" acid flashbacks would be the best representation of the book, since he has publicly said his adaptation has nothing to do with the original movie. But sadly, deviating from the book was what made the Gene Wilder version a classic. If everyone tried to make movies that were just like the books the results would end up like David Lynchs failed attempt to bring Dune to the screen as a weird character piece with over 32 characters internally narrating the action in their heads. You cant make War & Peace a 90-minute movie. If Burton wants to make dark, weird movies that stay true to the book, maybe he should option Sweet Valley High #14: Deceptions. But Burton, like Lynch, seems to exist in a world of inspired visions that take themselves one step too seriously. He has himself become like a living copy of Robert Smith from The Cures stage persona. Who in their right fucking mind would pick fat ass moper Robert Smith as the style from which to pattern oneself?
Sadly, Johnny Depp is once again along for the ride, too. Nice to know there is life for actors after vapid portrayals of tight-jeaned, undercover, pretty boy, teen cops like his breakthrough performance on "21 Jump Street". But good looks and your own island in France just aren't enough. Unlike one of Depps better performances as the Captain Jack character from Pirates of the Caribbean, where he chose to channel a cool stylized rocker like Keith Richards, he has instead this time chosen to channel a demented pasty-faced pervert like Michael Jackson. It is difficult to enjoy a movie where you think your main character is gonna reach out and fondle some 12 year-old boy's junk at any moment. And jokes about squirrel nuts and the similar effects of chocolate to sex dont help. I feel like more of a pervert watching this movie than looking at clips of news anchors getting hit by motorcycles on Rotten.com. Danny Elfman has also apparently taken drugs while riding "Its a Small World", it seems, and deserves some credit for doing a wonderful job of creating a whole new batch of mindless repetitive crappy kids' songs that will drive you up a wall faster than you can say "Jiminy Cricket has a small cock but a big heart."
Look, like I said, the movie doesnt totally suck. It's kinda fun. I mean, who could hate a story about luring brattish kids in with candy and then slowing knocking them off one by one? But Burton takes an already subversive premise and makes it feel like some kind of German schiisse film. Chasch mer am arsch lcke, Herr Burton! This movie feels more like a bad day on the brown acid at Woodstock than a good day on some Window Pane watching Labyrinth.
Holy Shit! I cant believe Im gonna say this. It has been a long time since this has happened. In fact, I believe the last time I said this was in the mid 80s when Fletch came out. Here it isThis is a comedy movie worth paying full price to see in the theater! Normally I like to make sure I see all the visually interesting movies in the theater, and save comedies for the little screen. I mean lets face it even if I took four more multi-vitamins a day, there would only be so much Jill Kelly I could "handle" without watching something else. And who doesnt want a laugh or two after splashing some baby batter on the sofa? So why, then, should you see this in the theater? Becausewait for itwait for itomigod, it is actually funny! Holy shit! Who could have ever imagined that the point of a comedy movie might be to actually be funny? Thank god!
The first thing this movie did right was intentionally shoot for an R rating. Far too many movies want to be Animal House, but try to keep it PG-13. Fuck that! If the premise of your movie is that two guys live every moment of their lives waiting to go to other peoples weddings so they can try ridiculous ideas from their list that will get them as much bearded axe wound as any guy could handle, then youd probably want to be able to have some raunchy language and at least a couple of bare titties. I saw the new cut of Stripes a few weeks ago and it was ten times better, because they threw in some new baby feeder shots. The other thing they did right was casting. Owen Wilson finally has another role where he can use that under-his-breath style that made Bottle Rocket an instant 5P, I mean 5 Bloody Ears classic! Did you ever have a touch to lose, man? Maybe if you count the Big Bounce, I Spy, and Anaconda, but Ill let those slide for Tenenbaums, Life Aquatic, and his all-too-brief role in The Cable Guy. Speaking of guys who have come back from the darkside, remember when Vince Vaughn took a run at being a serious leading man? Psycho, Jurassic Park, The Cell? Thank God Vaughn hasnt been afraid to work his way back with scene-stealing parts in Old School, Anchorman, Be Cool and even the Brangelina dud, Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Rachel McAdams is a good casting too, not because of her MTV award-winning performance in Mean Girls so much as the fact that she reminds me of a young version of that Seven Of Nine chick from Star Trek that always got me hard. I was also stoked that Christopher Walken has stopped taking 20 roles a year and dancing like a monkey in Fatboy Slim videos for long enough to finally grab a good part as the overprotective, elitist father. If you are a fan of comedy, do us all a favor; tell Tim Burton to fuck off and go see this movie instead. I will, by literally forcing my friends at gun point to march their flabby civilian asses in to the theaters to see it, because if the average Joe doesnt get out and support a comedy flick when they finally make a good one then next summer well all be stuck with Miss Congeniality 3: Acting Like Jerry Lewis, But In Heels, or theyll start doing more Beverly Hillbillies-like movie remakes of shows that no one liked when they were on, like Wings: The Movie or Family Matters: Urkel Goes To Hollywood.
I didnt know there was a Trancers 2,3,4,or 5. I do, however, remember Trancers 1. It starred famous B-Movie actor Tim Thomerson and, believe it or not, Helen Hunt, in her first film appearance. Which really just reminds me of her only real nude scene where she humps that kid from Mask in Waterdance. Anyway, this movie not only didn't have enough budget to have any kind of decent effects or script, but they couldnt even get Tim Thomerson to reprise his own part after he had done the previous five stink bombs. The sheer comedy of that already helps this rank up there with classics like DeathStalker 2 and Gymkata in the so bad its good department. But theres a problem. In a brilliant move to compensate for Thomersons missing presence, the director cast Skin-A-Max starlet Zette Sullivan to replace him as his granddaughter from the future in this Timecop plotted rip-off. The problem is big, though. Zette does not get her tight little spinner body naked and have sex on a pool table like she did in her first starring role in the Palmetto rip-off Sexual Intrigue. In fact, not only does Zette keep her clothes on, but costars Jennifer Capo, who got naked in Demonicus and Jennifer Cantrell, who was a goddamned Playboy model for Christs sake, dont even get naked. What kind of bizarro B-movie world was this movie shot for? Robert Donovan, who has starred in almost 50 tittie movie classics like Sex Files, Deviant Desires, and Emmanuelle 2000, doesnt even get any trim in this movie and is stuck playing the nutty professor part. How is it that this cast of genital-baring pros doesnt show one inch of skin? But yet, this movie is still kinda fun to watch. The effects are so bad that you will laugh your ass off when bad guys get thrown out of windows. The script is so backwards that characters who get killed in one scene are suddenly alive again two scenes later, and that happens no less than four times towards the end of the movie. And the best part of the film is the stock footage of the no-show Thomerson that gets poorly cut and pasted in, and the picture of Helen Hunt on the refrigerator as if somehow referring to this film franchises non-existent former glory might actually make it good again. This is probably the second worst film ever made, but it just might be so bad its good again.
Havent read it. They wouldnt send me an advanced copy, but I probably wouldnt have read it if they had sent me one. I really just wanted to get an early copy that I could sell on Ebay for like $10,000.00 that would have helped me finance this little covert operation weve got going on down in Peru next week. Id tell you more, but then I be forced to send a virus through all of you computers that would erase your brain faster than watching The Day After Tomorrow. So even though I didnt get to read this book, I wanted to make sure I gave the publishers a big fuck you 1 P, whoops, I mean 1 Bloody Ear, rating anyway, because it makes me feel powerful and important to trash other peoples' hard work when they wont share it with me. I did, however, once read a book called Hairy Pooper and the Chasm of the Wizards Sleeve. In year four of his schooling at Hoglegs, Hairy learns of his new magical power called the Slitherin Salami where he can magically make his snake disappear into his own lightning-scarred dirt trail and appear to look just like a woman! This allows Hairy to blend in with naked women so he can find out what really happens when a bunch of girls claiming to be witches get together. One of the evil witches thwarts Hairy during a game of Queerditch by sabotaging Hairys flying Vibramax 2000, so that he is caught and jammed in the tailpipe by the Flaima he is trying to escape. He is rescued when his buddy Ron (as in Jeremy) grabs the balls and scores repeatedly on various young muglays that obviously have no idea where hes been. In the book's climactic final chapter, Hairy finally makes his wand reappear and magically spurts in the evil Witchs eye. His good friend Whoremoaning helps him celebrate by levitating his balls with her tongue. Now that was a good book! J.K. Balling is one of my favorite authors! J.K. Rowling, however, sucks a donkey cock, and I can only hope that the new book sees Harry Potter die in a horrible eye socket-puncturing magic wand accident.
When Esthero sings We Need a Musical Revolution on the opening track of her sophomore record, at first you think she is just being a pretentious Canadian, but then you realize even though she may be from a country we should have annexed years ago, she just may be right. Sadly, Esthero is as right because of her own records shortcomings as she is right because of the shittiness of the artists she makes fun of, like Ashanti, R. Kelly and Britney Spears. Many of these songs sound like what would happen if Bjork sang with Hootie and the Blowfish as her backup band. Esthero however at least has a leg to stand on, because of her mind blowing debut album Breathe From Another that came out a mere seven years ago. I dont know what kind of Behind The Music Moment happened to her between the two albums, but lets just say she is looking a little Lane Staley or Scott Weilandish these days, if you know what I mean. Her first album sounded like Sade meets DJ Shadow and is probably the quintessential trip-hop album, surpassing even Portishead, but now is not 1997 and Esthero was correct to abandoned her old sound that has been stolen by many lesser performers than her since. The problem with this record is that other than the brilliant tracks created by Doc (the same guy who did most of the work on the first record), this album fails to create a new venue for Esthero to shine with her crass charm and forthright sexuality and social consciousness. Instead, she sounds like just another Urban Lillith Fair reject like Nelly Furtado or Kellis. If you want to experience Esthero at her finest, then skip this record and try to find a copy of the "Chris Rock Show" from HBO where she performed "Heaven Sent". That is a musical moment worth reliving again and again. Wikked Lil Girls, however, is more like watching Elvis die on his shitter than put on one of his showstopping performances. Songs five, six, and ten prove she still has something, but she'd better find a whole lot more of it for the next record so I dont have to put her up against Christina Aguilera in a Deer Hunter-like competition.
I know youre all big pervs like me, so what's your favorite raunchy scene from a comedy? Mine is when Juliette Lewis shows her tiny boobs in Strange Days. That was the funniest shit ever.
first regurgated line from wedding crashers Posted: 7/17/2005by: haha she was eyefucking the shit out of me..... yep Posted: 7/16/2005by: J-Rock Took the suggestion and saw Wedding Crashers instead of Willy Wonka. It was definitely the funniest thing I've seen since anchorman. new favorite raunchy part is Vince Vaughn tied up and that crazy chick trying to fuck the shit out of him constantly. best raunchy scene Posted: 7/16/2005by: dave "Super Troopers"--Ramathorn takes home the Porsche driver and his wife. Her tits are breath taking. "who wants a mustache ride"? That's phucking funny! Posted: 7/16/2005by: Steve K Yes Sir! PS Posted: 7/15/2005by: Napalm Jones Steve- My rank is Gunnery Sgt. But I am retired from active duty unless my country needs me (and is willing to pay my new prices, but the CIA is cheap these days). You can also just click the by line with the authors name if you wanna know something about them. My rank is in my bio! You however should not be addressing me by my rank anyway, you dumb inbred shitfuck! Are you trying to get me killed? You use my rank out in the field and that is likely to make me a big red bullseye. I prefer if you don't salute me either. That shit is for highly decorated egomaniacs that didn't earn a single pin on their chests. I'm a working man's soldier goddammit! So from now on you just refer to me as Sir, Daddy, or Mr. Jones. If you get me some quality trim, beat me in a fight, or bring me a case of Stroh's, I'll consider letting you call me Napalm and not adding one of your ears to my new rating scale! Bratatattaattatatataata! Posted: 7/15/2005by: Napalm Jones Glad you guys like the new rating scale. I think it got more balls too! And I mean that literally!
Matt - I stick by review of Fantastic Four from last week. I thought Chiklis was really good as the thing and that the rest of the acting was mediocre. It was for me a very average movie all around which is why it got a 3 rating. One of the tings I did like though was exactly what you talking about. These characters are rich egg heads, so they weren't out trying to fight crime at all. They stayed in the lab and worried about fixing their own problems. They were just as selfish as real people would be in that situation. That to me was refreshing in this. Spiderman always pisses me off because he goes out of his way to be a do-gooder which no real person would do.
MEH - Amanda Peet has a great set but unlike everyone else your choice is disqualified because the Whole Nine Yards is absolutely not funny. I laughed plenty during, Crying Game, Mullholland Falls and Strange Days, but I doubt I even cracked a smile during 9 yards except for Amanda's bare tits which I take very seriously. Now I put that movie in and just skip right to 1:21:30 and freeze frame.
Jeremy - Drugs are bad for you. I appreciate that you agree with me, but you sound like your tiny brain might explode just from trying to use what little of it you have left. If you were gonna smoke out and see a flick you should've gone to Wedding Crashers. You would have laughed your retarded ass off.
Wlecome back NWALover! Long time no see. You bag any of those Canadian Moose like I told you? PS Posted: 7/15/2005by: Jeremy I saw Trancers 4 and it was horrible. that main actor is a tool. I bet the 6th one is way better if they replaced him with some hotty even if she doesn't get nude.
my favorite "raunchy scene" is naomi watts rubbing herself in mullholand. i know the question said comedy, and some people think thats a drama, but the monster behind the diner and the ridiculous characters make that movie the funniest thing ever to me. whoa! Posted: 7/15/2005by: Jeremy I saw Willy Wonky last night at a midnight showing. I really regret getting high before seeing it like Napalm said about that ride. Johnny Depp really is doing some kind of gay child molestor type character. It seemed like he was looking for a date (with a 10 year boy) more than he was looking for someone to take over his factory. Anyway, I thought the movie probably deserved a better rating than Napalm gave it, but some of the weird and creepy stuff from the movie is really still messing with me. Save the $$$ Posted: 7/15/2005by: matt for something more inspireing like a Tijuana hooker, $.75 beer, and a street for something more inspiring like a Tijuana hooker, $.75 beer, and a street taco (no that is not another euphemism for a TJ hooker, but should be.) The Fantastic 4 movie sucked monkey jizz. As mush as I love looking at the delicious Jessica Alba in a blue jump suit, the movie itself was awful. As the writers really tried to make us feel sympathy for a bunch of geniuses blessed with money, good looks, and super powers. The fight scene at the end was sub-par at best, and Stan Lee should stick to non-speaking roles, though his acting was about as good as the rest of the Fantastic Fucks. Not even a ridiculous amount of bong hits before screening could save this film (I should know.) The only bright spot was Dr. Von Doom's assistant, Leonard. With is gayer then all voice, and Velveta lines. He should have had his own movie. But your dime, whatever. Great reviews as always... Posted: 7/15/2005by: Steve K Looking forward to Wedding Crashers as well, not looking forward to peeps regurgitating it's lines for the months that lie ahead.
Favorite raunchy scene from a comedy? That knee slapper, the Crying Game, when he finds out she's got a penis. Hi-larious.
Great job Sargent. (Lieutenant? not sure of your rank)
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
This movie isnt bad so much as it is completely misguided. Tim Burton just made a wrong turn somewhere. Im guessing it was right around the time he dumped that fine, thick-ass chick Lisa Marie for the Skeletor-looking Helena Bohnam Carter, but thats just my guess. Hmmn, I seem to recall that was during Planet Of The Apes. Its starting to make sense now. I remember this time back in 87 when I was down in Florida doing some swamp training. I had a few days off so I went to the Vegas of the south, Disney World in Orlando. Not Vegas for its gambling culture so much as a tourist trap built in the middle of a ridiculous environment that no human would other wise inhabit without the lure of nine-dollar hot dogs. But after youve stood next to a costumed character and heard the poor kid puke in the mask from the 104-degree heat and have to keep the mask on to not blow the illusion, it almost becomes worth the admission and the jacked-up food prices. I, however, made one small miscalculation on this trip; I ate some acid before getting on "Its A Small World". If you have been on the ride or taken acid, you probably realize what a colossal mistake that was on my part. Ever since then shows like "The Banana Splits", "The Great Space Coaster" and even "Teletubbies" have always taken on a new meaning for me.
Holy Shit! I cant believe Im gonna say this. It has been a long time since this has happened. In fact, I believe the last time I said this was in the mid 80s when Fletch came out. Here it isThis is a comedy movie worth paying full price to see in the theater! Normally I like to make sure I see all the visually interesting movies in the theater, and save comedies for the little screen. I mean lets face it even if I took four more multi-vitamins a day, there would only be so much Jill Kelly I could "handle" without watching something else. And who doesnt want a laugh or two after splashing some baby batter on the sofa? So why, then, should you see this in the theater? Becausewait for itwait for itomigod, it is actually funny! Holy shit! Who could have ever imagined that the point of a comedy movie might be to actually be funny? Thank god! 
I didnt know there was a Trancers 2,3,4,or 5. I do, however, remember Trancers 1. It starred famous B-Movie actor Tim Thomerson and, believe it or not, Helen Hunt, in her first film appearance. Which really just reminds me of her only real nude scene where she humps that kid from Mask in Waterdance. Anyway, this movie not only didn't have enough budget to have any kind of decent effects or script, but they couldnt even get Tim Thomerson to reprise his own part after he had done the previous five stink bombs. The sheer comedy of that already helps this rank up there with classics like DeathStalker 2 and 
Havent read it. They wouldnt send me an advanced copy, but I probably wouldnt have read it if they had sent me one. I really just wanted to get an early copy that I could sell on Ebay for like $10,000.00 that would have helped me finance this little covert operation weve got going on down in Peru next week. Id tell you more, but then I be forced to send a virus through all of you computers that would erase your brain faster than watching The Day After Tomorrow. So even though I didnt get to read this book, I wanted to make sure I gave the publishers a big fuck you 1 P, whoops, I mean 1 Bloody Ear, rating anyway, because it makes me feel powerful and important to trash other peoples' hard work when they wont share it with me. I did, however, once read a book called Hairy Pooper and the Chasm of the Wizards Sleeve. In year four of his schooling at Hoglegs, Hairy learns of his new magical power called the Slitherin Salami where he can magically make his snake disappear into his own lightning-scarred dirt trail and appear to look just like a woman! This allows Hairy to blend in with naked women so he can find out what really happens when a bunch of girls claiming to be witches get together. One of the evil witches thwarts Hairy during a game of Queerditch by sabotaging Hairys flying Vibramax 2000, so that he is caught and jammed in the tailpipe by the Flaima he is trying to escape. He is rescued when his buddy Ron (as in Jeremy) grabs the balls and scores repeatedly on various young muglays that obviously have no idea where hes been. In the book's climactic final chapter, Hairy finally makes his wand reappear and magically spurts in the evil Witchs eye. His good friend Whoremoaning helps him celebrate by levitating his balls with her tongue. Now that was a good book! J.K. Balling is one of my favorite authors! J.K. Rowling, however, sucks a donkey cock, and I can only hope that the new book sees Harry Potter die in a horrible eye socket-puncturing magic wand accident.
When Esthero sings We Need a Musical Revolution on the opening track of her sophomore record, at first you think she is just being a pretentious Canadian, but then you realize even though she may be from a country we should have annexed years ago, she just may be right. Sadly, Esthero is as right because of her own records shortcomings as she is right because of the shittiness of the artists she makes fun of, like Ashanti, R. Kelly and Britney Spears. Many of these songs sound like what would happen if Bjork sang with Hootie and the Blowfish as her backup band. Esthero however at least has a leg to stand on, because of her mind blowing debut album Breathe From Another that came out a mere seven years ago. I dont know what kind of Behind The Music Moment happened to her between the two albums, but lets just say she is looking a little Lane Staley or Scott Weilandish these days, if you know what I mean. Her first album sounded like Sade meets DJ Shadow and is probably the quintessential trip-hop album, surpassing even Portishead, but now is not 1997 and Esthero was correct to abandoned her old sound that has been stolen by many lesser performers than her since. The problem with this record is that other than the brilliant tracks created by Doc (the same guy who did most of the work on the first record), this album fails to create a new venue for Esthero to shine with her crass charm and forthright sexuality and social consciousness. Instead, she sounds like just another Urban Lillith Fair reject like Nelly Furtado or Kellis. If you want to experience Esthero at her finest, then skip this record and try to find a copy of the "Chris Rock Show" from HBO where she performed "Heaven Sent". That is a musical moment worth reliving again and again. Wikked Lil Girls, however, is more like watching Elvis die on his shitter than put on one of his showstopping performances. Songs five, six, and ten prove she still has something, but she'd better find a whole lot more of it for the next record so I dont have to put her up against Christina Aguilera in a Deer Hunter-like competition.
