Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
BROOK PARK, OH — What should have been a simple beer run last Saturday night in Brook Park, Ohio resulted in mass confusion and ultimately, utter failure.
A small gathering at the house of 26 year-old Jason Hupp began pleasantly enough. Hupp’s friends and Finish Line coworkers mingled and drank as the evening progressed.
But as the night wore on and the beer supply rapidly diminished, the revelers came to the realization that a trip to the store would be necessary if they wished to continue the merriment.
“I was the first one to suggest that somebody had to make a beer run,” revealed party-attendee Thad Tillet, “We probably had about eight or nine Silver Bullets left at the time and it was pretty obvious that everyone was gonna be hanging out for a while. So I was like, whoa, somebody’s gotta make a dash, and it’s not gonna be me ‘cause I’ve already got two Doo-ees.” (Driving Under the Influence convictions)
Home-renter and party host Hupp refused to go as well. “Even though it was my house, I didn’t feel like it was my responsibility to go,” said Hupp, “We wouldn’t even have had a problem if everyone had just brought beer like I asked them. But my scumbag friends would rather just cash the thirty-pack I bought. Fuck that.”
The argument concerning who would drive to the store continued for the next twenty minutes as the final beers were consumed and Hupp’s guests began crafting crude cocktails out of an old bottle of Triple Sec, Dry Vermouth and Sunny D.
Destiny
Finally, Hupp’s friend and coworker Don Suzelis stepped forward and agreed to drive to the nearby 7-11 Convenience Store for more alcohol. It was at this point that the real chaos began.
“I was like, alright, I’ll make the run as long as everyone coughs up some money. And sure enough, that’s when it turned into a real shit show. First, Jase said he shouldn’t have to buy anything cause he already bought a thirty-pack, and I was like, ‘whatever’. Then Chad (Maurer) gave me a twenty and said he wanted fifteen dollars change when I got back. Mike (Schaler) told me that he only wanted like, two more beers and he gave me about a buck-fifty in change. Klein (Chris) said he didn’t have any cash so he gave me his debit card and his PIN number and told me to stop at an ATM. Then he had the nuts to ask me to try to stop at a Key Bank so that he didn’t get charged with a ’strange bank fee.’ I was like, ‘Fuck you dude, I’m stopping at the first bank I see’, and he got all shitty with me.”
From there the drama continued. “So then Megan and Heather tell me that they don’t want beer, they want ‘Smirnoff Ice’ or some shit”, a frustrated Suzelis continued, “and they don’t want the regular kind, they want the cranberry flavored type. So I’m already about set to haul off and kill somebody when Thad asks me if I’d mind stopping at Wendy’s for him and grabbing him a couple Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. So I was like, “That’s it. I’m outta here. And you’re all going to drink whatever the hell I come back here with, and if you don’t like it you can blow me.”
The Bounty
Upon arriving at the store, Suzelis debated for some time over what to purchase with his limited resources, but eventually settled on two twelve packs of Busch Light cans. “I was like, right now you’ve got to go quantity over quality. But I wasn’t about to bring back “Natty” or “The Beast” because we just can’t stomach that shit anymore.”
Much to his dismay, when Suzelis returned to the Hupp estate, the party had essentially fizzled out. Nearly all of the guests had departed, save a few stalwarts who were quietly watching “Old School” on DVD in the darkened living room. “Everyone had either gone to the bar or just went home, he lamented. “I guess I took too long.”
Dejected but determined, Suzelis made a point to drink two of the well-earned Busch Lights before going home himself. “I was like, well I sure as hell didn’t go through all that shit for no reason, and I killed a couple beers. But I was pretty tired after that, so I took off. What a shitty night.”
Nice article. Had a situation exactly like that 2 weeks ago. You should get a Nobel for this article, and a thirty-pack.
EEK
Crude Cocktails
()
Post #: 2
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 7/28/2005 10:33:52 AM
Forget the Triple Sec and Vermouth. You haven't lived until you try a NyQuil Sunrise.
Jack
Dead on
()
Post #: 3
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 7/28/2005 10:48:03 AM
Amazing.
booyakah
Been there...
()
Post #: 4
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 7/28/2005 11:13:29 AM
Done that. Thats why I usually just drink alone in my basement. In the dark.
Good article
dont live in brookpark
why do girls have to drink shitty drinks
()
Post #: 5
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 7/28/2005 12:43:34 PM
brookpark is just one step above parma. trade in your trans am for your camaro
Martin
But I want change...
()
Post #: 6
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 7/28/2005 12:52:56 PM
Perfect capture of the inevitable clusterfuck that is inherent in nearly every beer run, from the "change for my twenty" to the "here's my ATM card" to the worthless girls that can't just drink normal beer. I've been in this exact situation more times then I would care to remember, except I alway make somebody come with me because you need a sidekick to (a.) carry the extra beer, and (c.) let your friends know if you get a dewie in route and need to get bailed out...even though none of your friends will do it until the next afternoon.
Lubrock
Beer in a can.
()
Post #: 7
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 7/28/2005 1:25:41 PM
As president of the Polka Dots fan club (these are the special markings letting everyone know, “Polk article found here!”) I would have to say that once again Polk you are sheer brilliance! I hope the Phat5 are paying you for this stuff. Love the couple of guys watching “Old School” (ten years ago it would have been swingers)
Although, I thought the rule was, whoever lost at Asshole had to get the beer? That or have the two drunkest guys at the party shotgun some beers, loser has to drive.
Jason 19
Props
()
Post #: 8
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 7/28/2005 1:54:02 PM
Nice work Polk. Back on your A-Game.
Mike Jones
Brookpark....Take of your sports jersey
()
Post #: 9
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 7/28/2005 1:57:39 PM
and cover-up your cartoon character tattoos. U SUCK Brookpark!!
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Posts: 
