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WASHINGTON (AP)- President Bush flew in the face of years of White House tradition last week as he refused to issue the traditional presidential pardon to one Thanksgiving turkey. The turkey, named Marshmallow, was later killed, plucked, and eaten as part of the White House Thanksgiving dinner.
“The American People have elected me to serve their will, and the will of the people is that this turkey be put to death.” Bush explained. “I will not contradict the rulings of the court.”
Turkey rights activists have been up in arms over the President’s actions.
“I wish I could say that I’m surprised,” said Andrew McNeely, chairman of the Citizen’s Council on Turkey Justice. “Unfortunately, this is typical behavior for this administration. This turkey was held without charge or trial, was given no access to an attorney, and had it’s life put in jeopardy while in federal custody by being left outside in the rain. No president since Roosevelt has had this foul a record on turkey rights. I honestly don’t see how anyone could consider being baked, sliced, and then made into Karl Rove’s sandwiches to be anything but cruel and unusual.”
Some analysts have pointed to the President’s failure to grant the pardon as being symptomatic of a larger turkey prejudice.
“George Bush doesn’t care about turkeys.” Said Hammond Rechtoldt of the National Association for the Advancement of Indiginous Birds. “Every year, millions of turkeys are executed, yet only a fraction of that number of geese are put to death for what is essentially the same crime. That is, being delicious. Is that just? Is that fair? No, it’s racist. This is just more politically motivated harassment of turkey by the Bush administration, which everyone knows is in the hip pocket of the fisherman’s lobby.”
“I’m inclined to think it’s all part of the growing sense of international hysteria over this avian bird flu,” offered Kendall Fields of the World Turkey Foundation, an international turkey-rights watchdog group. “As far as the president is concerned, the only good turkey is a dead turkey. And if, in addition to being dead, it’s been stuffed and cooked for four and a half hours at three-hundred and twenty-five degrees, well that’s just gravy.”
In an act that several administration officials have linked to terrorism, some members of the extremist Turkey Liberation Collective managed to break into the pen where Marshmallow’s condemned accomplice Yam was being held. Yam was quickly smuggled out and has been taken across the border to Canada, where he is expected to enjoy a certain amount of safety until the second Monday in October.
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