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Grimace, open your eyes buddy, you look stoned
One of the things that pisses me off the most in this world is oblivious people. If you are unfamiliar with the word oblivious, I’m pretty sure the Webster’s dictionary definition goes something like this:
o·bliv·i·ous adj. - Lacking conscious awareness for the sole purpose of making Matt want to kill the person exhibiting said trait. The dumbshit old lady drove six mph because she was oblivious to the 34 cars behind her, simple traffic procedure and common courtesy, and any sort of societal norms that guide humanity.
In college, I had the unfortunate opportunity to meet a girl that we will call Aimee (because that is her name). Aimee, who spells her name with three unnecessary vowels just for increased annoyance value, is one of those ultra-peppy people that always approaches you as soon as she sees you and acts like she is your bestest friend in the whole wide world. In other words, she is one of the many people that I would like to beat with a shovel. Before I get into describing the oblivionity (my noun for oblivious—obliviousness isn’t a fun word) of Aimee, I will first describe her physically. You know how some people talk about someone they know by saying that they look like a famous person, only with Down’s Syndrome? Well, usually it is a really handsome famous person, like “my friend Floyd looks like Russell Crowe with a hint of Down’s” or “that chick looks like a Downsy version of Jennifer Garner”.
Unfortunately Aimee can’t quite pull off one of these good-looking actresses—she is more like a Rosie O’Donnell with Down’s. She kind of looks like Grimace from the McDonald’s gang (you know, Ronald’s best friend). But you get the point: Aimee… not so hot.
Robble robble robble
Similarities between Aimee and Grimace do not end in the physical realm. It is pretty obvious that Grimace has a learning disability—I mean, look at him, his eyes are always half open and his monosyllabic, low-toned voice screams “take me to the special room”. Aimee also displayed many of these characteristics, but I won’t venture a guess as to her affliction. Suffice it to say that on top of all of the other characteristics that I hate about her, she never wowed me with her intellectual prowess.
I wish that Aimee was more like the Hamburglar; Mayor McCheese could never find that bastard—he just showed up to gank some burgers and then quietly returned to his Hamburglar Hideout. While Aimee and the Burglar share some similar traits, she was not known for her clandestine approach towards life, and in fact, it seemed like she was around every fucking corner. When I went to do laundry, she was there. When I went out, she was there. And you can bet your ass that not a trip to McDonald’s went by without an Aimee sighting. Each of these encounters gave Aimee the opportunity to run up to me and give me a hug as if she and I grew up together. But even if we did grow up together, is it really necessary to act like we hadn’t seen each other in years, every time we come face to face?
As the years went by, the distaste in my heart for the Grimace look-alike grew. She continued to act like my best friend—she loved to take pictures with me (and in each of these pictures I have an incredibly unhappy look on my face) and she still loved to give hugs. Not once did I act like I actually could stand her… because I couldn’t. She was a typical spoiled rich girl, with a side of self-centerment—one of those girls that starts every sentence with "I" (“I went shopping yesterday and I found a great sweater.” “I couldn’t believe that guy didn’t like me.” “I love hamburgers.”). But what really pissed me off was that she continued to act chummy, no matter how many times I rolled my eyes when I saw her or turned my back on her when she was talking. She was utterly oblivious to any act of unkindness. Poor Aimee thinks that every new person in her life is a new best friend, when in reality all of these people openly mock the ‘friendship’ (well maybe not everyone, but everyone like me).
Aimee is like those people in cafeterias that get their food on their tray and then decide that backing up would be a good next option. They don’t understand that there might be other people waiting in line behind them, also with trays full of precariously placed food items. Not only were these people born without the that sense that lets you know when a person flanks you, they also lack the brainpower to ascertain the fact that a crowded cafeteria is never the right place to practice putting it in reverse. The simple fact is that these people, Aimee included, just don’t have any sense. It's like they were raised by howler monkeys and have neither experience with human subtleties, nor any idea how to function in a human society. Then again, maybe she was howler-raised—in which case I would feel really bad writing this.
fox news already has a weekly article about this
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Posted: 5/22/2006 5:40:40 AM
And it's a lot funnier
Lorenzo
Waiting...
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Posted: 5/22/2006 9:47:23 AM
for it to get funnier
JohnnyC
Not Bad
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Posted: 5/22/2006 10:28:54 AM
Could have been better, but it shows promise.
Dave B
Well
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Posted: 5/22/2006 10:59:25 AM
It wasn't the funniest thing I've ever read, but hey, I just got done reading the Bible, so you were in tough company.
Ringworm
STRAKA
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Posted: 5/22/2006 11:53:23 AM
someone beat me to the fox news comment. i couldn't agree more. it looks like you were trying awfully hard in this article not to mention the term "Obliviot".
Christine
Weirdness
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Posted: 5/22/2006 12:31:09 PM
Matt, I just wrote my 1st article for tpp and in it, I wrote a person's name and then I wrote (because that is their name). Now if my article ever gets posted, everyone will think I copied off of you. I am saddened by this. But I did like your article and all articles preceding this. So I guess if I have to look like I am copying off of someone, i would want it to be you.
ms
christine
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Posted: 5/22/2006 1:19:14 PM
dont worry; i wont call copywrite foul on your debut. its funny because i wrote this article in march and my brother who writes for espn.com subconsciously borrowed that exact line for one of his columns (not that i cared) that came out before this one.
in response to below comments: who reads fox news? not this guy
Maurice Carthon
WAIT
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Posted: 5/22/2006 1:26:37 PM
Matt, is your brother Paul (don't call me) Shirley? cause after reading some of your articles, and your last name, i thought some of the characteristics of your writing (in particular: hate) were similar. odd. if not, the similarities are there anyway. decent article.
ms
yes
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Posted: 5/22/2006 2:32:45 PM
a notable deduction--we are brethren. main differences: 1) he is more accomplished (better) than i 2) he gets paid 3) i get to use to word 'fuck' from time to time
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