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Ahh, summer wedding season—the smell of freshly mown grass in the air as I chauffer another friend into the ranks of adulthood and interminable boringness. Is there really anything better? Nothing comes to mind. Unless you count summer orgy season, but that only comes once every 30 years and you have to have a special invite for that extravaganza (S.O.S. 2k22!!! See you all there!!!).
I recently had the opportunity to attend the first wedding of my summer season. Since the wedding was Catholic, and since my brother and I couldn't find any pencil with which to play tic-tac-toe, I had right around 5 Sesame Streets and a Mr. Roger's worth of time to ponder and examine the uniquities (collective noun for unique—please try to use it in your next conversation) of marriage. Between thumb-wars and staring contests, standing up and sitting down, making up my own words to the chants I didn't know and confirming that I know how to do the Catholic cross thing (spectacles-testicles-wallet-watch), playing here-is-the-church-here-is-the-steeple and the very brief stints of paying attention, I came up with a list of things—my wedding Ten Commandments if you will—that will come into play at my wedding, if I were to either hoodwink a girl into marrying me, or come up with a sufficient quantity of Russian rubles in order to buy love.
1. Thou shall not exceed the length of any standard "Seinfeld" episode (not counting series finales). There is absolutely no reason for everyone to be sitting in a church on a nice summer day for more than a half-hour. The wedding I attended recently was a Filipino wedding (ironically, two out of the four weddings I have gone to in my life have been Filipino) so not only did we have to deal with all of the Catholic traditions including the dreaded communion, but we also had to stand idly by and watch all of the Filipino rituals, like this weird cord ceremony where the bride and groom have to be tied together for half an hour. Plus the officiator was flown in from Manila, was the bride’s uncle, and a freaking bishop in the pope's army—suffice it to say that this man had a lot of wisdom to bestow.
2. Thine venue shall be air-conditioned. Let's have a wedding in Kansas in the middle of August in a 100 year old church... sounds like a great idea. Oh, we have to stand up? Hold on a second...yep, I am going to need some help...I think my balls are stuck to the pew.
3. There shall be no rituals that make guests feel like outsiders. In this past wedding, I lost count of the number of sayings and incantations to which I did not know the words—it’s like the Catholics want to ensure that you know that they think that they are much better than you. And what is this nonsense that non-Catholics can't take communion? I want a cracker and some wine too. We are all thirsty back here. And is it too much to ask to have the blood of Christ first? I like to wet my whistle before I partake in any of the body of Christ—he is a bit salty.
Kneeling is an absolute train wreck. First, you aren't Catholic but the lady next to you is, so she has to put the little kneeler down and crushes your foot. You look up to see a Catholic who is obviously with a non-Catholic date, and this Catholic isn't quite sure if he should follow through with his little traditions and superstitions, but in the end he decides to get on his knees in fear of being struck down by the Lord, but he is not fully committed and his face becomes flush. Then you are sitting there trying to mind your own business, but you cant help but feel awkward because the lady next to you is fucking kneeling (awkward)...seems like you should be doing something besides twiddling your thumbs. Then just when you get used to her on her knees, you realize that there is a group of guys in the pew behind you that are totally up in your business. If you jerked your head back ever so slightly you could head-butt the sinner directly behind you to the tune of a destroyed nasal cavity. Kneeling should be outlawed, it makes everyone uncomfortable.
As a side note, I don't appreciate the confession chants in Catholic ceremonies. Fuck you, I didn't do anything wrong.
This Blood of Christ is Delicious
4. Movement shall be kept to a minimum. I understand the importance of standing up to sing because you have to allow all of those great singers to use their diaphragm when they’re belting out those holy choruses, but I don’t understand the tradition of standing up for every little thing during a wedding. Plus, if granny in the wheelchair who is taking up the entire aisle isn't going to stand up, then I'm not either.
5. If communion is absolutely necessary, let us get it done efficiently. There are 500 people in the church in line to take communion. There is one minister dude at the front giving out the bread and one helper giving out the juice. According to my calculations it will take just under a decade to feed and de-thirst all of these people. Let's make it easy: pass around a few loaves of Christ's body, have baseball water coolers full of Christ's blood in the corners of the church, and let the folks commune at their leisure.
6. Thy devil and his dominion shalt not be mentioned during ceremony. During this last wedding, the bishop made mention of the family members that were missing the wedding because they had passed on. He said that he was sure that these relatives were 'looking down from heaven...or from where God has put them for purification' (I’m not even making this up). How depressing a thought is that? Oh so some of my relatives didn’t quite make the cut for heaven? Yeah I am sure that they are looking at this ceremony with smiles on their faces. Please, no mentioning loved ones in purgatory or of relatives burning in Hell at my wedding. Save it for my funeral.
7. There shall be no kids involved in the ceremony. Kids seem like a great idea: "Aww lets make little Frankie the ring bearer and little Kelsey the flower girl, it will be so cute." Then the little bastards take 45 minutes to walk down the aisle until one of them shits their pants and starts crying, where then the mother will have to try to coax the child down the remaining 10 yards. I need professionalism. It is my day, and kids are attention-hoggers. No kids under 10 years of age. Make cousin Justin do it, I am sure all of his friends will love the fact that he is an 8th grade ring-bearer.
8. There shall be a sacrifice of some kind. If a wedding is going to be religious, then I think it should be REALLY religious. Let's have a random lottery for all of the guests, and the person picked gets sacrificed to the gods as a favor for a happy union. That seems fair. It might cut down on attendance but every person will be on the edge of their seat until sacrifice time, and then afterwards there is certain to be one hell of a party for all of the relieved guests still in the ranks of the living.
...And I´ve Crapped Myself
Ok, Ok. I understand that that might be a little too medieval. But can we at least sacrifice a chicken or something? Get some entertainment in between the vows and the ring exchange.
9. There shall be no microphones. While it is always hilarious to hear the officiator of the wedding singing his ass off into the microphone because he forgets that it is there, microphones are generally a bad idea. My main fear is that the minister pulls a Naked Gun and while all the guests are leaving, he retires to his personal toilet to take a gigantic post-wedding dump. I am sure that the sounds of a bishop in mid-poop do not come out well over the loud speaker.
10. Rice shalt be present. Call me old fashioned, but I really enjoy chucking shit at the bride and groom after the wedding. I understand that the church doesn't want a bunch of rice in their yard and that birds can supposedly choke on it, but I have to throw something and this bubble-blowing bullcrap isn't cutting it. When you come to my wedding, look forward to trying to pelt me with some sort of edible substance on my way out. Be warned though, I am pretty good at dodge-related competitions.
No way I want to sit through 2 hours of chanting monks only to pay for my drinks later on. Quid pro quo.
Besdies, the knife set or blender you're getting as a gift should be worth at least a 6 pack.
Jim
#12
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Posted: 6/16/2006 5:38:46 AM
There shalt be no cameras filming me dancing like a drunken fool at the dog end of the evening to haunt me evermore
Jeff
Holy shit
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Posted: 6/16/2006 6:58:59 AM
I dig the express communion idea. Even better would be for the priest to fling the BIG wafers into the crowd like frisbees, ala Leaping Lanny Poffo.
Another bitch about kneeling is trying to squeeze past the old fat farts that park their tucha-es on the pews while they kneel.
Bill
Commandment #13
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Posted: 6/16/2006 8:25:38 AM
Don't give me the "ex-boyfriend faux courtesy hope you don't attend but secretly want you to to show you that you didn't destroy me and I've lost 15 pounds" invite, because I'll go. I'll go and everyone will know who laid the track for the honeymoon train and that will just be awkward.
brett
pretty good
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Posted: 6/16/2006 8:46:06 AM
Catholics are pretty bad huh? How do they get away with this stuff?
Mindless sheep.
asshat
Commandment #14
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Posted: 6/16/2006 9:31:56 AM
Thou shalt not have the wedding party introduced at the reception in a way reminiscent of a WWF ring entry.
It's just embarassing for all of us spectators.
"LEEEETTTTTTT'S welcome the new bride and groom! Are you READY to rumble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
J-Dub
Bird Seed
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Posted: 6/16/2006 9:48:53 AM
I had a buddy of mine that was at my wedding. Mind you this fucker was wasted by the end of the night. Anyhow, he was a baseball player all through college and pretty damn good too. He decided it would be funny/appropriate to get about 6-feet from my bride, take a huge crow hop and crush her in the face with bird seed. I cought a little of the shotgun spray and it hurt like a mother. Needless to say, it made for one hell of an exit and we got some great pictures of my wife crying from the pain. Thank you Adam for the memories!
Bung
WTF?
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Posted: 6/16/2006 9:55:14 AM
What's with all the fucking wedding stories? Weddings are for getting loaded on a friends dime, snagging a free meal, and banging lonely bridesmaids unhapppy that they aren't getting married. They just aren't that hilarious and certainly not funny enough to have 1-2 stories about them a week on a humor site.
Out.
Dave B
J-Dub
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Posted: 6/16/2006 10:01:48 AM
That's hilarious.
Other than that, I liked the rules.
My favorite thing to do at a mass happens during communion. I usually stick out my toung and hands at the same time and force the person handing out the bread-o-christ to make a snap judgement on where to stick it.
Tom A
The Rice Thing is a Myth
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Posted: 6/16/2006 10:07:25 AM
birds don't choke on it. False.
I made that all up because my old man sells bird seed. And that fucker didn't even cut me in. Bird seed, however, somehow morphs into huge piles of bird shit all over cars and sidewalks. Odd.
Catholic weddings are too long, no doubt. Some are waaaaaay too long, and you nailed it with the no AC deal. Makes me want to take back my gift. (BTW, although that knife set is worth a six-pack from Bob's Liquors and Live Bait, it probably doesn't cover the six beers you'll drink after you quaff a bunch of wine and champagne, not to mention your date's five Cosmo's. Plus the food. Let me clue you people in - if you're getting dinner - unless if's turkey and stuffing at the VFW - and drinks - unless it's PBR in kegs and boxes of Franzia - MINIMUM gift is $50. If you've got a date, minimum is $100. Add 50-100% if you are in a city with more than 1 pro sports team - i.e. larger than Columbus).
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