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Back for round two of the Vicious Beatings. Last time we took on Jesse Jackson, the owner of the Laugh Factory, and Michael Richards. I have to admit I was wrong about one thing: it didn't take a white woman disappearing to get Richards out of the news. It just took three guys getting lost and freezing to death on Mt. Hood. Shitty for them. Good for Kramer.
Vertigo brought the best comment last time: "What does Jesse Jackson list as his occupation on his tax forms? Meddler?" Exactly.
Well, let's lace up the gloves and get to the beatings.
First on the list is Denver Nuggets forward and heavyweight hoe, Carmelo Anthony. His one-sucker-punch knockdown of the Knicks Marty Collins was the weakest, punk move in sports since Albert Haynesworth stomped on Andre Gurode's face. It wasn't even the punch so much as his Speed Gonzalez get away. Nothing says, "I'm a huge pussy," better than punching a guy when he's not looking and then running away.
By the way, are NBA players now like the cars in NASCAR? Look at that tattoo. The fucking Warner Brothers logo? Seriously? Under what circumstances can you imagine paying someone to permanently draw a corporate logo on your shoulder? By comparison, the ubiquitous AND1 guy tattoo is fucking sweet. I really hope he's getting paid for that ad because if not, he's the biggest fucking tool in the world.
As a comparison, let's look at which is better, Carmelo or a Caramello:
Carmelo
Advantage
Caramello
NBA Small Forward
Candy Bar
Costs $16,000,000/year
Costs about $1.00
Sucker punches people and runs away like a hoe
Sometimes drips caramel on your lips
Fucking an MTV VJ
Fucking delicious
Fat chicks love black guys
Fat chicks love candy bars more
1/2 Puerto Rican, 1/2 Black
1/2 caramel, 1/2 chocolate
Lost in the Olympics
Lost one under the seat of my car
Has the Warner Brothers logo tattooed on his shoulder
Has "Caramello" embossed on each piece
WINNER: CARAMELLO
Not surprisingly, Cadbury's Caramello comes out the clear cut winner.
So, here's to Carmelo getting the ink beat out of his skin.
In the second most disturbing story of this past week (the most disturbing is today's Link of the Day), Marco Raphael Castro, a high school student in Illinios, decided the lunch menu at his school was missing something, namely urethra grease. So, he rectified that by adding some his own mannaise to the ranch dressing. He then returned the deflowered bottle to his high school cafeteria.
There may never have been a guy more deserving of a beating than this asshole. There should be a provision in the law that allows for the repeated assault of any guy who puts his swimmers in someone else's food. This kid should be castrated, forced to eat his own testicles, and then beaten about the chest and head with his severed penis. And then he should be bury alive... in a Port-O-Let.
Posts: 154 Rank: 55 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Capital of Awesome, IA
Posted: 12/21/2006 8:32:35 AM
in the maynnaise? That's just wrong when done to a random large group of people.....but done to a single person, it could be a comical form of revenge.
Posts: 9 Rank: 331 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Dubuque, IA
Posted: 12/21/2006 8:41:23 AM
when a roomate decided it would be funny to add his own tangy zip to the miracle whip......luckily I was a mayo guy at the time.......the other roomates didn't really find it humorous.
Posts: 1069 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 12/21/2006 8:42:25 AM
the best image in the video is at the end where it just shows isiah "schlepprock" thomas' face with a fan clapping slowly in the background as the sports ticker shows the pistons defeating the nets...
great candy bar comparison too.. fitting that carmelo is in the "left column" holy shit he is a bitch.
as for castro, after his vicious beating, every male in the school should get to fire one off into an empty bottle of ranch and make the motherfucker choke it down & finish it.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 12/21/2006 8:49:33 AM
Duping someone into a shot of your Bailey's Irish Cream is never OK...NEVER. If you have to, take a piss in a pint glass at a bar then play quarters with somebody you hate. THAT'S funny. We used to play "poo dollar" in college. Great times. And then this one frat started playing "cum dollar"! WTF!!! Not cool. There's a line that never needs to be crossed. That kid should be forced to extract sperm samples from horses (orally) until he gradutes college. Fuck him. Fuck him in his stupid ass.
Posts: 7 Rank: 2081 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
philadelphia, PA
Posted: 12/21/2006 9:10:58 AM
The worst thing about that whole situation with Carmelo is the stain it leaves on the careers. He'll always be remembered for that incident as Ron Artest and others can "attest" to.
Posts: 154 Rank: 55 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Capital of Awesome, IA
Posted: 12/21/2006 9:19:51 AM
somebody pee in the wop at a college party.....they didn't actually pee in it, they pee'd in a pitcher and somebody else dumped it in. So technically the person who pee'd did nothing wrong. Right?
But what is a Wop? I always thought that was an Italian? So someone pissed on the Italian? Im confused. I guess you really do miss out on things living in the South. Damn. Cum Money sounds like a great drinking game? WTF
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