Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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Its awards season again and you know what that means, another batch of hot starlets will be receiving golden phalluses to take home for vaginal insertion. Hattie McDaniel was once even quoted as saying that the sword in Oscar's hand feels just like Clark Gable's veiny urethra minus the drawback of having to know nothing about birthin no babies. But before that golden bald dildo even gets his moment in the sun we have to deal with that pesky little gramophone. In an attempt to update the program this year The Grammys will leave the corpse of Sly Stone in the ground and instead cop the "American Idol" model by letting 12 mocha sexy sirens compete to win a chance to sing with Mr. Sexy Back live on the broadcast. 50 bucks says Timberlake shows up without a date so he can take home the lucky online winner for a little one on one wardrobe malfunction. Nothing says I made the right choices in life like watching one of Cameron's recent movies or seeing Britney's flag in the wind like buffalo gums flapping all over the internet. And even if T-Lake does foolishly show up with a date instead of playing the field it will most likely be Jessica "Is that a shelf or your ass?" Biel on his arm. Proving once again that every minute of being fondled by Mickey Mouse and Lance Bass was worth it.
Breaking News!!! This just in. Anna Nicole Smith has choked herself to death by trying to snort a mixture of cocaine and her son's ashes off of her own tits. Police describe the scene as a horrific mix up. Anna was trying to breast feed her newborn, Dannielyn, who refused to eat from the rubberized mammaries. Anna desperately attempted to prove that her enhanced mommy mounds had many great uses from luring half dead millionaires to hiding a dozen Krispy Kremes by sprinkling the grayish powder substance on her tits and doing as many rails as possible. In the wake of this tragic event the paternity of the child is still in question. In a statement given to the press her unofficial husband and shady lawyer "I wish I was the real" Howard Stern said, "I don't give a fuck if the kid is mine or not, but I paid good money for the blow, so I expect to get it back." The official autopsy is expected as soon as Florida law enforcement agencies can figure out why an astronaut would chose to shit themselves repeatedly in NASA diapers while driving to Florida to commit murder instead of stopping at a nearby Waffle House to drop a deuce. Now back to our regularly scheduled program.
In addition to 3 reviews of shitty movies, this weeks question will give you the readers a chance to vote in the First Annual Napie Awards.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Marv Albert called and he wants his fucking hair back or he is threatening to bite every illiterate hooker that sees this piece of shit. Just how desperate is Hollywood for comic book fair. Is there a Doctor Strange movie in the works? What about Green Arrow? Hawkman? Blue Beetle? Vigilante? Lone Wolf and Cub? Jesus Horatio Sans Christ, Ghost Rider was the biggest piece of shit ever penciled, traced and colored in the history of the comic book and some dumb fuck thought Nic Cage in a bad hairpiece could turn it into a blockbuster? Show me a kid out there is clamoring for a big screen version of the flame skulled super hero and I'll show you a kid who needs to read all 66 issues of The Preacher followed by The Watchmen and topped off with a side of Sandman. Even if Johnny Blaze was to give Eva Mendes a giant flamey fist fuck this movie would still suck. The plot of this movie is about as good as the headless biker episode of "Kolchak: The Night Stalker". No one cares about a stuntman's deal with the darkside that leaves him cursed to ride through the night with his head on fire. I personally hope kids all around the country douse themselves in gasoline and set themselves on fire before getting into horrific motorcycle accidents. Then maybe this movie will be banned forever and save an entire generation of movie goers from bad comicbook adaptations.
Sure I'd love to stick my dingo in Thandie Newton's outback as much as any bloody Ocker who watched the melanin enhance Brit get her start along side Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman in Flirting, but watching Eddie Murphy strut through his best "Beauty and the Geek" impression to do it is not my bag. I think Public Enemy said it best, "Don't believe the hype". I don't care how many auto-tuned gems the man hacks his way through while revamping his "Hot Tub" jumping past, Eddie Murphy 2.0 is not a funny guy. Regardless of how many times James Lipton sucks Eddie off about classics like 48 Hours and Trading Places, I vividly remember Vampire In Brooklyn, my ass is still sore from Distinguished Gentleman, and Showtime nearly erased the fact that Deniro had done Raging Bull. And believe me when I say Norbit is only the beginning of the end. His next two projects are worse. Beverly Hills Cop 4 is about as good an idea as Richard Simons teaching your kids how to adjust their junk. Starship Dave is about a guy who is a miniaturized captain of a human body where Eddie plays the pilot and slapstick flailing "starship". It's kinda like Core meets Cinderfella! That's gets me just about as excited as my 80 year old uncle Ray on shuffleboard day. So, if you are waiting for Eddie to shine like a genius in a purple leather suit again all I can tell you is that you are "lookin pa nub in all da wong praces."
But the scariest thing about Eddie these days is the make-up. Not the 30 lbs of prosthetics design by Rick Baker, but the 2 hours of Max Factor he puts on before he'll leave the house in the morning. The man looks like a giant walking cloud from some twisted Bob Ross creation, so it doesn't surprise me that he keeps taking these roles where he plays 20 parts. Sure it was kind of funny when he played an old jewish guy in Coming To America, but playing the most stereotypical asian man without any Won Hung Lo cracks is just a waste. Of course fat people are in fact hysterical, but super imposing Eddie Murphy's creamy man mug on a human pile of ricotta is the biggest waste of a special effects budget since that giant ball of water exploded Alias. And Norbit himself is like a throwback to Dwayne from "What's Happening"; he's an unlikable geek and he doesn't even get the brains to match. These characters have less likeable qualities than the characters on "Curb Your Enthusiasm". If you were still craving more when Big Momma's House 2 was over then this movie is for you, but you'd sooner hear me tell Rex Grossman that he is a privilege to watch than say anything good about this flick.
If you didn't believe me before that February is an absolute wasteland of modern filmmaking then try this little Valentine kiss on for size. A washed up neurotic British pop icon and a professional plant waterer only have a few days to write a hit song for a vapid new-agey songstress who likes to move her milkshake. But wait, will complications arise from the steamy chemistry between these two? Will Drew Barrymore put her dimples to good use and devour Hugh Grant's bangers and mash like Divine Brown in a competitive dick eating contest? Or will she burn him like a Firestarter with that peanut M&M sized cold sore. Beware Hugh, Tom Green actually filed for divorce from her, so she's got to be a psycho chick. Moral of the story is that this is a shitty romantic comedy positioned to steal money from pussywhipped assholes who actually have to take women on dates for Valentine's just to get a little trim. If she really loved you she'd let you go see Smoking Aces again and give you a hand job during the big shoot out. But since she doesn't, have fun spending 38 dollars on flowers, 13 dollars on chocolate, 43 bucks on panties you'll only get to see once, 86 dollars on a dinner she only ate three bites of, and 20 bucks on this shitty movie that even Sandra Bullock had the common sense not to be in.
Posts: 5386 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 2/9/2007 10:02:08 AM
Napalm, this was by far your best review yet. I had to read it twice because I didn't want short change anything. Bravo sir, bravo.
I love Drew, I can't help it. She's awful, but I still love all of her movies, except Fever Pitch. I fucking hope Hugh Grant loses all his teeth and gets his bladder knicked in a routine colonoscopy.
That Eva Mendez looks like her face causes her pain. I don't know how to describe it, but her face looks painful.
Starship Dave???? Wasn't that called Innerspace? I just watched Raw last week for like my 500th time and it doesn't stop being funny.
"I don't know why my stomach be making all these noises, hehe"
"cause you hungry, bitch"
Every part of that is golden. This was pretty long so I'll vote later. Kisses!
Holy shit, look at the Norbit add where Eddie is laying on Eddie. The bottom Eddie is sporting wood! Too bad he isnt wearing those leather pants from Raw.
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 2/9/2007 10:24:43 AM
1. borat. all Jews are wonderful because Jesus loves me. 2. Denzel. man on fire was a great film you bunch of fucking pedophiles. 3. Penelope. i would feel perfectly comfortable hand feeding her vegetables and fruits. 4. the atlas. it just feels right. 5. none of the above. Johnny Cash, American V - A Hundred Highways. 6. Ricky Hatton. because he headbutts with a passion. 7. heros. the chinaman has no idea what his powers should be used for. 8. the office. 9. micheal richards. stick to your guns you fucking pussy. if i was black and someone gave me money to be called a nigger, i'd change my name to nigger and hang out with this guy for the next 3 or 4 years. 10. chris penn. i still remember the glory days of 'best of the best'. 11. paris hilton. what can i say? i'd fuck her too.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 2/9/2007 10:33:08 AM
Movie - The Departed, c'mon Scorsese went back to gangster flicks and got a bang up cast in the meantime. I might have voted for "Smokin' Aces" here if they hadn't decided to install the worst ending since "Wedding Crashers."
Actor - Leo Dicaprio, I still don't know how Jack didn't know he was the rat ("Hmmm...is it one of these crazy Irish fucks that I've known for years, or the former cop kid I just met?"), but still a sold turn. He does a good crazy.
Breast Actress - didn't see any of the ones you nominated, so I'm going with Olivia Wilde in "Alpha Dog." They weren't that impressive, but I'd been waiting for too long since the lesbian cock-tease episodes of "The O.C."
Supporting - Alec Baldwin in "The Departed". he did everything Marky MArk did and his character had more depth
Class Act - Federline, he's douche, but he's now a rich douche when before he was just a backup dancer. Nice move.
Dukie - Mel Gibson, you know you're a bigot when you lose it for no reason whjen you're hammered. I mean, was the cop even Jewish? At least the othere nominees got set off by someone or something. Gibson was just getting a speeding ticket and went into an anti-Semitic rant. Awesome
Athlete - Jeff Saturday, he's the center on the best O-Line in football and he wasn't even drafted. Plus he looks like a lumberjack and has an awesome name. Supporting - Alec Baldwin in "The Departed". he did everything Marky MArk did and his character had more depth.
Music - "Return to Cokkie Mountain" by T.V. on the Radio, the Chili Peppers album was not good. These guys bring it.
Wish you were here - Jack Palance..."Is that you sugar bub?"
The only TV I watch is Jeopardy and Sportscenter, so I don't have any input there.
Posts: 5386 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 2/9/2007 11:07:09 AM
1. Little Miss Sunshine- I loved loved Borat, but I think everyone made me think it was going to be so much better than it was. Someone told me I would throw up or have to turn my head and I didn't. LMS was beautifully written and the acting was amazing. (I didn't see departed, but now I don't have to, thanks Balls. Don't you know the 2 year rule?)
2. Forrest Whitaker- and he should keep the eye, his wife's hot.
3. Helen Mirren is so fucking good at everything she does that I need to die right now because I am so inadequate. (Also, Annette Benning should have been nominated for Running with Scissors because she was unbelievably good)
4. Eddie Murphy deserves to win just because he once said, "if I had to beg, plead, do da symphony".
5. None- I would nominate Either My morning Jacket's Okinokos or the new Bloc Party.
6. N/A
7. Heroes. its getting cheesy, but it I think it will get better
8. The Office- Sometimes I have to run to the bathroom because piss is about to shoot out of me.
9. Mel Gibson- I truly didn't see that one coming. It scared me.
10. Syd Barrett- I saw floyd the last time they were here. It was the greatest sight my eyes have seen. It was the division bell tour and fucking incredible. I always thought that if they ever came back, Syd would be with them all crazy and shit.
11. Britney- not even for her pussy pics, but her interview abomination.
Posts: 207 Rank: 57 Joined:
1/15/2007
Location:
My mom doesnt live in texas, WA
Posted: 2/9/2007 11:47:23 AM
That Anna Nicole shit transitioning into the crazy astronaut shit was good.
Napies
1. The Departed: Borat was good, but it has been a long time since a good, original film (non comedy) came out of Hollywood. I havent seen Little Miss so I cant vote on it.
2. Wittaker: His movie roles are good, but his guest actor roles on tv are the shit. Anyone see him on the shield? Awesome, and that trick eye of his makes it that much better.
3. Helen Mirren: Penelope Cruz is hot squared, but Mirren is better at her job.
4. I really would like to name Atlas for this Napie, only because calling Johanssens bra Atlas is the most profound statement I have heard this year. However, I will not only because I am utterly jealous of 'atlas,' so I will name Mark Wahlberg instead. Even though he can only play 2 roles. 3 if you count douchebag.
5. New entry: The Raconteurs. I fear nobody has listened to this album, because it kicks ass, and gets better every time I listened to it. If you havent, get off your ass.
6. Grossman: I'd say he should kill himself out of depression, but I dont think he's that smart. That game is on you, asshole.
7. Heroes: Antony your comments on this and most of the others was spot on.
8. The Office: If I have to explain this, you are probably dead.
9. Mel Gibson: I only vote for Mel, in hopes that he is beaten to death with his Napie.
10. Don Knotts: Barney fyfe was my benchmark.
11. Miss USA: at 24 (or so) she had to embrace sobriety to keep her job. I wouldnt turn down the booze for any job, especially when I was 24. Thats devotion.
No help there. I can get back to you in about 6 months, though.
6. Dwayne Wade 7. Rescue Me 8. The Family Guy (edges out The Office and The Simpsons), if for no other reason that the number of times that my wife tells me, "there's something wrong with you" when I have to have a laughing pause at a particularly offensive moment. 9. Joe Biden, because he really should know better, wasn't drunk, and has a team of people to tell him what to say. 10. Kevin, the Dog. 11. Terrell Owens.
1. Little Children is the best film of the year. Can't recommend it enough. Would love Scorsese and the departed to win their divisions though, its very good. 2. Dick Cheney, best actor going. 3. Mirren will win, unless Hillary Swank figures out a way to get in there for convincingly portraying a masculine type of chick. 4. Jennifer Hudson-American Idol contestants just don't get enough publicity. Lane Bryant endorsement follows shortly. 5. Medeski, Martin and Wood's latest collaboration with Scofield. 6. Roger Federer. Only negative is fat girlfriend. 7. Who gives a shit? 8. Family Guy or Shannon Sharpe's commentary during NFL Today. 9.Charlie DeMarco or Silky Johnson, both legends of insensitivity. 10. Robert Altman 11. Joe Biden, lovely quote on Obama. Good luck retrieving that one.
If its not on DVD yet I havent seen it with exception of marshall. Cant nominate that one.
BEst, not Breast! The little girl from LMS gets my vote. When she did that Tiger dance after all that bad shit happened I didnt know wether to laugh or cry. Puuurfect. Tits go to Johansson hands down. Hands still down thinking about them
Hudson: I had no idea AI winners could sing.
Athlete: Albert Pujols breaking every record ever made in the first 5 years of a career
TV Show: Rome. Watching a 1 hour Gladiator each week is bad ass.
Comedy: Office. I jsut want to watch his speach.
Doookie; Ashey Larry for calling me a rat tailed red neck (stupid fucking midget)
Bam Bam. Not only did he have flames on his head he died from complications from rescuing kids from a buring house. Im starting to wonder about the tattoo I have of a penis getting chopped off on my head.
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Marv Albert called and he wants his fucking hair back or he is threatening to bite every illiterate hooker that sees this piece of shit. Just how desperate is Hollywood for comic book fair. Is there a Doctor Strange movie in the works? What about Green Arrow? Hawkman? Blue Beetle? Vigilante? Lone Wolf and Cub? Jesus Horatio Sans Christ, Ghost Rider was the biggest piece of shit ever penciled, traced and colored in the history of the comic book and some dumb fuck thought Nic Cage in a bad hairpiece could turn it into a blockbuster? Show me a kid out there is clamoring for a big screen version of the flame skulled super hero and I'll show you a kid who needs to read all 66 issues of The Preacher followed by The Watchmen and topped off with a side of Sandman. Even if Johnny Blaze was to give Eva Mendes a giant flamey fist fuck this movie would still suck. The plot of this movie is about as good as the headless biker episode of "Kolchak: The Night Stalker". No one cares about a stuntman's deal with the darkside that leaves him cursed to ride through the night with his head on fire. I personally hope kids all around the country douse themselves in gasoline and set themselves on fire before getting into horrific motorcycle accidents. Then maybe this movie will be banned forever and save an entire generation of movie goers from bad comicbook adaptations. 
Sure I'd love to stick my dingo in Thandie Newton's outback as much as any bloody Ocker who watched the melanin enhance Brit get her start along side Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman in Flirting, but watching Eddie Murphy strut through his best "Beauty and the Geek" impression to do it is not my bag. I think Public Enemy said it best, "Don't believe the hype". I don't care how many auto-tuned gems the man hacks his way through while revamping his "Hot Tub" jumping past, Eddie Murphy 2.0 is not a funny guy. Regardless of how many times James Lipton sucks Eddie off about classics like 48 Hours and Trading Places, I vividly remember Vampire In Brooklyn, my ass is still sore from Distinguished Gentleman, and Showtime nearly erased the fact that Deniro had done Raging Bull. And believe me when I say Norbit is only the beginning of the end. His next two projects are worse. Beverly Hills Cop 4 is about as good an idea as Richard Simons teaching your kids how to adjust their junk. Starship Dave is about a guy who is a miniaturized captain of a human body where Eddie plays the pilot and slapstick flailing "starship". It's kinda like Core meets Cinderfella! That's gets me just about as excited as my 80 year old uncle Ray on shuffleboard day. So, if you are waiting for Eddie to shine like a genius in a purple leather suit again all I can tell you is that you are "lookin pa nub in all da wong praces." 
If you didn't believe me before that February is an absolute wasteland of modern filmmaking then try this little Valentine kiss on for size. A washed up neurotic British pop icon and a professional plant waterer only have a few days to write a hit song for a vapid new-agey songstress who likes to move her milkshake. But wait, will complications arise from the steamy chemistry between these two? Will Drew Barrymore put her dimples to good use and devour Hugh Grant's bangers and mash like Divine Brown in a competitive dick eating contest? Or will she burn him like a Firestarter with that peanut M&M sized cold sore. Beware Hugh, Tom Green actually filed for divorce from her, so she's got to be a psycho chick. Moral of the story is that this is a shitty romantic comedy positioned to steal money from pussywhipped assholes who actually have to take women on dates for Valentine's just to get a little trim. If she really loved you she'd let you go see Smoking Aces again and give you a hand job during the big shoot out. But since she doesn't, have fun spending 38 dollars on flowers, 13 dollars on chocolate, 43 bucks on panties you'll only get to see once, 86 dollars on a dinner she only ate three bites of, and 20 bucks on this shitty movie that even Sandra Bullock had the common sense not to be in.
