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Your Girlfriend
You're not paranoid, your girlfriend really is a big slut.
I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but the reason she comes home from the mall with chapped lips every weekend has nothing to do with the air conditioning, and everything to do with blowing the guy at the Orange Julius stand and getting ploughed by the dude that hands out menus at T.G.I. Friday's.
I know, I know, it sounds like a stretch, but the thing you have to realize is she's really good at deceiving you, a) because she's been doing it a long ass time, and b) because you are a dickless idiot.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but you've got to be at least partially retarded if you haven't noticed her constantly going to hockey games with her stripper friend Lacey who never gets a third ticket, and then comes home with her tits signed and no idea what the score was.
Sure she says all the right things. I love you, and all that horseshit. But come on, this is the girl that told you she "loves a good cock" about 10 minutes into your first date. I know you were proud of that at the time, but it really should have been a big fucking heads up.
That, and the fact that she was jiggling around for your schlong about 20 minutes later in a nearby alleyway. I know that's one of your favourite stories, but didn't you ever stop and ask yourself why the Jewish Women's Studies students you usually date don't do that? That's what I thought.
Look, you're a nice guy, but you're obviously in denial if you're just now catching on.
Her
I don't have a girlfriend so maybe I'm wrong, but if I did and the waiter at a restaurant called her "sugar slit," I'd probably ask a few fucking questions. When she was in the bathroom for 35 minutes, I'd probably ask a few fucking more, and then probably loc out and maybe stab someone with a fork.
I know she's pretty hot and you're not really use to that, so I can't totally blame you for clinging to her like her fat friend to a snack table. Still, next time she's out just Google "tight blond painful pov," and prepare to be both frightened and aroused. I know I was a handful of both.
Not that she'd give you an honest answer or even be able to count that high, but did you even think to ask what her "number" is?
Actually scratch that you don't even have to. Just go on her Facebook page and count all her male "friends." While you're there take a look at the last post. It's from some guy named Todd and reads: "Thanks for letting me jackhammer your ass last night, slut face!"
What? No shit she feels looser and looser all the time! What, did you think your dick was just getting smaller?
Nope. Sorry but it's the just the insane number of dudes that have pounded your girlfriend sloppy. Haven't you noticed that her pussy has started to look kind of gross, like a grenade went off in pile a of rancid lunch meat?
What do you mean how do I know?
Didn't I tell you I just got hired at T.G.I. Friday's?
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 5/21/2007 9:47:52 AM
I don't know how to tell you folks this, but Christine will not be returning after her trip to Niagara Falls Canada...I found her, I'll let her out of my basement when I return from Belgium.
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