Kansas City Royals, I owe you an apology. I’m sorry. There, I said it. And I meant every word of it. I sold you out to get an article up on the Phat Phree. I wanted the fame, money, and women that only a writer for the Phat Phree can get. Unfortunately that turns out to be about the same as the number of wins you have in August, none. I wrote about the terrible things that have happened this season and you apparently read it. I’m sure finally seeing it in print must have made the weight of this abortion of a season seem even heavier on your shoulders and you have gone into a tailspin working on one of the worst losing streaks of all time. I now know words can hurt. So here I am putting myself out there in the hopes that you’ll know I’m still a fan and you can stop this before you set the unenviable record for consecutive losses. Please for the love of Brett, win a game. Soon.
In a bad season that has even seen our unofficial mascot – the guy selling lemonade that runs around saying “LemonadeLemonadeLemonadeWOOO!” – leave for the local Independent League team there have been some good things happen. Maybe.
You swept the Yankees. Yep, how Steinbrenner hasn’t fired Torre or anyone else for that is beyond me. You just know he’ll be the laughing stock of the owner’s meetings whenever the Yanks miss the playoffs by a game or two thanks to being swept at the hands of the absolute worst team in baseball. Plus right now the Royals average a million dollars in payroll for a win whereas the Yankees are closer to 3 million. Yep, you guys get W’s on the cheap. On a personal note I’ve also timed my move to the Big Apple to allow me to go to the Royals/Yankees series at Yankees Stadium. At this point I don’t expect you to have broken the losing streak so when you do break it up in NYC relish in the fact that the guy who wrote that article that has you in the funk will be wearing his Powder Blue Royals Trucker Style Cap while getting his ass kicked by Yankee’s fans.
Stone Cold Matt Stairs?
You haven’t hit a teammate in the back trying to throw home. Just like this year, last year also provided some comical moments in Royals’ history. Like the time the cut-off man received the ball and turned to fire it home only to bean 1st baseman Ken Harvey in the back. That was a doozy! So Ken, how’d you end up on the DL? “The 2nd baseman couldn’t see my fat ass.”
You don’t have to worry about losing a Beltran or Dye or Damon this year. No, this year no one wants anyone from this team. Most of you can look forward to seeing the exact same faces next year. Those Stone Cold Steve Austin jokes you all make to Matt Stairs will be even more amusing next year. What about Mike Sweeney? Don’t teams want him? You mean Mike Sweeney of the chronic back problems? You mean Mike Sweeney the guy whose contract jumps big time if he’s traded. Nope, you will definitely see him back next year. You’ll get plenty of churching by the guy whose music he comes to bat with is “Jesus Freak”. Not to worry.
So Royals, I say it again “I’m sorry”. I sit here writing this knowing that you will read this and soon turn your fortunes around. You won’t set the record for most consecutive losses. In fact I can feel the winds of change now. It might even happen before I finish this article. You’ll beat the Mariners.
Re: Luke Posted: 8/19/2005by: Matt If they can all manage to stay out of jail then maybe... Luke Posted: 8/18/2005by: Luke Well, at least we have the Chiefs to look forward to... I think. Sorry Excuse Posted: 8/18/2005by: Ryan I grew up watching the Royals and unlike the author of this article, I am embracing this losing streak. We need something to hang our hat on. Every year the Royals finish in the cellar with a 100-plus losses. Now we will actually have a season that people will remember. It will be the AFLAC trivia question in ten years, it will be on Jeopardy and for years to come it will be the "Did You Know" on Sportscenter. Actually this morning when I logged on to this computer I saw it was on the front page of Yahoo. And now we are getting print on this website. The exposure will only rise with losses. I applaud the Emil Browns, Ambroix Burgos and the endless strings of errors and little league ways of losing yet another game. All I have to say to the boys in blue is that your ultimate goal is to lose every game and go down in flames! Why do I love the Royals ? Posted: 8/18/2005by: chuck I grew up with this team. Some of my first memories of sports are watching the 1985 World Series while in 2nd grade. I was a huge Kevin Seitzer fan and still feel he got robbed for rookie of the year when Mark "steroid boy" McGwire won. And now I'm forced to watch this crap. I wish I could just forget that I grew up in KC and have always been a Royals fan. Maybe I can trade my fan allegiance. If any clubs have any offers I am listening. There comes a point Posted: 8/18/2005by: steve As a lifetime fan of the Detroit Tigers I have went through the same shit. In 2003 they lost 119 games. They avoided tying the Mets' record for losses in one season (120). One game! There comes a point in the season where you hope that they keep losing. You know that there is no fucking chance in hell that they'll turn the season into anything productive. The team sucked, bad, but at least they could've set a record for sucking, thus the season would've meant SOMETHING. I think this is what the Royals and their fans should strive for. All they have to do is drop the next 40+ games (if there's even that many left). Come on guys, I know you can do it!
