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Unacceptable.
I was on Myspace a little ago, and no shit, I saw a girl who spells her name Britni. Britni! Can you fucking imagine!? I mean, how many ways can you spell that? Every time I am looking for strangers to send pictures of my cock to, someone is spelling Brittany differently. I don’t get it.
It's like this: There’s maybe two or three ways to spell your name, ok? And that’s it. Take my name for example: Elliot. There are three ways to spell this terrible name. That's almost as many ways as there are to say my last name incorrectly, but we will stick with my first name for the moment. Gay people with my name spell it "Eliot." It is also sometimes spelled "Elliott". Either of those are fine. If someone at work selects the incorrect spelling, I will simply correct them and ask them not to repeat the mistake. Then I will go into the refrigerator and remove their lunch, and throw it in the trash.
I'd love to blame all these name shenanigans on black people (just for simplicity's sake, not for any racial reasons), because they are notorious for innovative, absurd names.
For example: Cabronde.
I don't care that it's a mixture of the word Cabron, which in Spanish means fucker, and Ronde, because Ronde Barber is Craig's favorite Tampa Bay Buccaneer." No. No. No. That is completely unacceptable.
Unfortunately, like rapping and oversized clothes, white people have co-opted another element of Black culture and ruined it. There are now enough examples of white people fucking their kids over with non-names and ridiculous spellings to make me consider officially changing my race to Pacific Islander. Maybe even "Other." I haven’t decided.
Let's examine Brittany, for example:
The name "Brittany" is spelled exactly like that. JUST like that. With those exact letters, in that order. Take notes, Brandy-Mae, you're going to have to remember this! For the sake of the gutter pups who might be considering this white trash name for their next unfortunate genetic have-not, the following are NOT acceptable ways to spell that name:
Britney, Brittney, Britny, Brittny, Britni, Brittni, Bryttni, Brytinni or any other combination in which a Y is substituted for an I.
Also, Ashley is NOT spelled: Ashly, Ashlee, Ashleigh, Ashli. Dante is NOT spelled: Dontay, Dunte, Dontee, nor, my personal favorite: Dunta.
If your parents saddled you with an idiot's name, you should probably either start going by your middle name, or perhaps your last name. This, however, is unacceptable if you have a sweet first name.
Take for example my friend Dang. His name, no joke, is Halen Van Dang. His uncle, who was like 16, had the right to name him and his favorite band was Van Halen. Soooo, they named the kid Halen with Van as his middle name. And he is Vietnamese, so his last name is Dang. I swear I am not making this up.
Even though his name is Halen, as in Van Halen, he pronounces it like "Holland" but without the D at the end.
Unacceptable on multiple counts.
"No!" I said "You can’t just change how your name is pronounced!"
Obviously, he didn’t listen. But the thing about Halen, a.k.a. Holland without the D, is that most people call him Dang. I guess in Vietnamese you call people by their last name. That sucks. Halen is way cooler than Dang. But everyone calls him Dang anyway. Except for me, I call him either Holly or Helen. I figure if he can pronounce it however he wants, so can I.
If you’re confused, here’s a few more random tips:
If you name your kid Madison, you’re a scenester nerd who should be stabbed with an AIDS needle.
Any common last name that you name your kid, that’s it, AIDS Needle City. Like, "Hi, I’m Jackson Smith!" or "Hi, I’m new here, my name is Brunswick Johnson." Unacceptable.
"Jameson" is not a first name, you fucking lush.
Don’t name your daughter “Princess.” When she is a grown woman, it is nothing but embarrassing. Trust me on this one. I know a woman named Princess, and my friends and I make fun of her, to her face, all day long.
Makayla is not a name; it is a flower, and you are white trash.
Janice is not an acceptable name for a kid, because that is my mothers name and she is the only one who is allowed to have it.
And don’t name your kid Roger, okay?
Be very careful in naming girls boy’s names. Not only is this uber trendy, but it will also make perverts like me want to fuck them, even as infants. Here’s some examples of some extremely hot girls names: Joey, Toni, Charli, Nicki and Steve. Nikki gets extra points because k is a sexy letter.
Any use of capital letters or apostrophes in the body of a name, like LeBron, DeAngelo, D'Brickishaw, should be reserved for professional atheletes only. Otherwise, they will never be able to get a job.
When in doubt, just go with John or Amy. Their easy to spell and your kid won't grow up hating you. Or better yet, if your have such low self esteem that you think the only way your kids can be special is if they have a unique name, how about you do us all a favor and stop fucking.
Former Saints start LB Rickey Jackson is pretty godlike in this territory. Nearly all of his 10 children (by 7 different women, natch) have some variation of his name in theirs. Best ones: Rickeyah, Rickeem and Rickeyvis.
Tom A
Well Put, Ehleeut.
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Post #: 8
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Posted: 10/26/2006 11:50:21 AM
"Unique" and special names do not make the kid unique and special. They only serve to inform the world that his/her parents were fucking idiots and that they had no faith the kid would actually be unique and special (without the stupid-assed name).
Same thing for incorrectly spelling the kid's name. Looks stupid, and at least some of these were unintentional - mom and/or dad just didn't know how to spell "Michael" (see, e.g., Micheal Barrow), and didn't bother to check before filling out the birth certificate. So if your kid has a "unique" spelling, chances are people will think s/he and/or parents are borderline retarded.
I recall a few years back when there were three different Antoine Smiths playing RB in the NFL and ALL THREE SPELLED IT INCORRECTLY.
P.S. "Sean" is the correct way to spell it.
P.P.S. Chic in last pic has a nice rack, and it appears that a crime is about to be committed.
elliot
yea
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Posted: 10/26/2006 12:04:41 PM
i didnt write that part about unique and special names to make your kids special, Charlie did. My last sentence was something like "I dont care what you name your goddam retarded kids." but hey, its Charlie's party, I'm just here for the chicks.
and its Antowain Smith.
and I dont know how i forgot Chone Figgins. that guy is a fucking winner.
i also really like the NY Giants "Gibril Wilson". I hope to god his parents were trying to spell Gabriel. holy shit that kills me.
and its not plexico, either. its plaxico. thats why theres an A there, see?
deuce
ou' est leboeuf?
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Post #: 10
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Posted: 10/26/2006 12:13:55 PM
funny shit elliot
d'brickishaw is unfathomable to me... what was (were) his parent(s) trying to hide & leave out by inserting the apostrophe? did they just forget the letter that makes the sound "eh" as in DeBrickishaw? of course he does have the good fortune of a sweet ass nickname... are you gonna fuck with a large black dude that goes by "brick" ?? didn't think so.
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