The third week of the college football season is usually when the major programs sack up and finally start squaring off with each other, leaving behind the bloodied creampuff I-AA teams theyve been annihilating, (or in the case of Colorado and Northwestern, losing to), for the past two weeks. But that time has passed, and now it is time for the first big weekend of the 2006 college football season. A quick round the horn:
Michigan at Notre Dame: Lloyd Carr has been on the hot seat so long, his ass looks like a Whopper patty [shudder], and things wont get any better this week as the Maize and Blue square off against the Fighting Micks in South Bend. Michigans QB-TB combo of Henne and Hart, (does that sound like a primetime detective show on CBS in the 80s, or is it just me?), have been playing adequately, but neither has really been throwing up spectacular numbers so far. Me chicken is currently tied at 44th in total offense and is going to need to step it up to compete with Americas Golden Boy, Brady Quinn, and his formerly conjoined Slavic twin, Jeff Smardzija. And that shouldnt be hard for Big Blue to do, considering Michigans defense has been playing stoutly and Notre Dame has shown that theirs is suspect. Michigan will shut down Notre Dames rush, forcing Quinn to win this game over the top. Unfortunately, Jesus and God will abandon the Domers this week, as they have Michigan in an irresistible four-team parlay. Without their divine boosters (Dan or otherwise), Notre Dame will fall to Michigan at home.
Michigan 24, Notre Dame 17
Oklahoma at Oregon: Nearly every conference this year has shown major weaknesses outside their respective two or three top programs, and the Big 12 has been a glaring example. Oklahoma, an early contender to win the Big 12 South, suffered a major setback when Tipsy OFakejob-McStagger, a.k.a. Rhett Bomar, was dismissed from the team for washing cars for $500 an hour at a local car dealership during the off-season. Rhett headed to Stephen F. Austin State College, and Oklahoma lost the scramble to land ASU transfer Sam Keller, who opted instead to head to Nebraska, a program with national title hopes next season. This left OU with Paul Thompson at QB. Thompson showed his shaky passing credibility during OUs game against Alabama-Birmingham, where OU gave UAB every opportunity to upset them, yet somehow managed to come away with the win. OU began their Holiday Bowl look-alike non-con schedule by beating up on Washington last week, and continues the same against Oregon.
The Ugly Ducklings played in the best game no one watched this past weekend, squeaking by a never-say-die Fresno State squad and ultimately coming away with the victory in a seesaw battle that lasted over four hours. This tough win makes Oregon look legit, as Pat Hills squad is no slouch playing at home in front of 30,000 Fresno State fans and their legions of illegitimate children.
Ultimately, the Sooners inability to open up a passing game will enable Oregon to corral Adrian Peterson and come away with a win against a solid Big 12 opponent, which is rapidly becoming the equivalent of beating a decent Mountain West squad.
Oregon 24, Oklahoma 14
Nebraska at USC: Despite ABCs efforts to make this game look like the game of the year, what were dealing with here is a Nebraska team on the upswing against a USC team that is about where Nebraska was in 1996 coming off a dominant stint and taking a one-season breather before winning it all again the next year.
Nebraska is getting a little too much resurgence media hype right now, and although they have a ton of young talent on offense and one of the defensive best front sevens in college football, they have got their work cut out for them. A spate of early0season injuries to NUs already somewhat iffy secondary, including a season-ending ACL tear to their best cornerback, Zack Bowman, leaves Nebraska particularly vulnerable to USCs passing assault. The key for the Huskers will be putting Booty on hiswell, you knowearly and often to force USCs inexperienced backfield to run into Nebraskas stout D-line and frightening linebacker corps.
It will also be critical for Nebraska to get on the board early. If they fall behind, it will be difficult to come back barring some serious heroics from Zac Taylor. ZT is a true gamer and is capable of engineering a comeback, but the Huskers fans need to dial back their upset expectations a little and face reality: USC is one of about five teams that are head and shoulders above the rest of college football this year, and they have had a week off to prepare. I will be at this game and an upset is a very realistic possibility this year, but barring a SportsCenter highlight reel performance from Zac Taylor, Matt Herian, Marlon Lucky, and Maurice Purify, and nearly every other offensive and defensive player on the Cornhuskers squad, this game will likely serve as a motivator for next years game against USC in Lincoln, when Sam Keller will take the helm at NU to avenge his loss to USC last year when he led Arizona State, a team with half the defensive talent Nebraska has. The message to USC is enjoy it now, because the Trojans inevitable decline from the stratosphere ends next year at Memorial Stadium.
USC 38, Nebraska 31.
Not-So-Big 12 Round-down:
Kansas will lose badly to a Toledo team that nearly knocked off Iowa State last week. Roll MAC! Toledo 24, Kansas 10
Iowa State will get a huge farm subsidy from the American Beatdown Administration, delivered courtesy of the Iowa Hawkeyes. Iowa 30, Iowa State 10
Kansas State will squeeze by Marshall in a suckfest. Wildcats 27, Herd 21.
Baylor will takedown the current Pac-10 whipping boy. Baylor 17, Washington State 7.
Texas Tech will further demonstrate the vulnerability they put on display against UTEP against a more than solid Texas Christian team that has BCS hopes this year and owns the nations longest winning streak. TCU 35, Texas Tech 28.
Texas will square off against their old Golden Boy, Major Applewhite, now the offensive coordinator for lowly Rice, and will whip his ass thoroughly. Texas 48, Rice 10.
Colorado will continue to circle the drain as their program fills the role of the laughing stock of Division I-A football. Montana St., who beat Colorado 19 10 two weeks ago went on to lose last week to Division II Chadron St., alma mater of former Bills receiver, Don Beebe. It will not be pretty as Rudy Carpenter will pick the Buffs apart like a chicken wing. Arizona State 41, Colorado 3.
Oklahoma St. will nudge out the worst thing to come out of Florida since Pat Boone- namely, Florida Atlantic Universitys football team. Oklahoma State 33, Florida Atlantic 7.
Missouri is shaping up to be Nebraskas only competition for the Big 12 North and will own New Mexico like Branson owns shitty country music. Mizzou 31, New Mexico 14.
Texas A&M is trying desperately not to let down Coach Fran. Or maybe they arent. Maybe they hate him. I think thats about right. Fran is gone next year, but A&M will still beat Army. A&M 24, The Cadets 10.
Big 12 Record in Week 1: 10 -2 Big 12 Record in Week 2: 10-2 Big 12 Projected Record in Week 3, the first week of real football this year: 5-7
Big 12 Suck Factor on a scale of 1 to 10, Ten being the worst: 7.
Oranges, From Florida to Rotten
By Jesse Lamovsky
Its a unique weekend in football, college and pro: the War of the Oranges.
(Crickets)
No, seriously. Eight teams in Division I-A and the NFL wear helmets in which orange is the primary color. Only two- Clemson and UTEP- are not battling another team boasting the same garish hue. In the NFL, the Browns and Bengals will play in Cincinnati on Sunday (the line is 11-and-a-half. Im not a bettor myself, but still; dont take it. The Browns will cover. Theyll lose, but theyll cover). In the NCAA, the Syracuse Orangemen will travel to Champagne-Urbana to take on the Illinois Fighting Illini, and in their annual brawl, the Florida Gators will knock heads with the Tennessee Volunteers in beautiful Knoxville. How about that, huh?
Its not much as far as a unifying topic for this weekends games. But thats as good as its gonna get from me this week, peeps. I still have a set of baby giraffe legs and am hot-boxing a post-coital smoke from tOSUs cold, business-like evisceration of Texas. Im satisfied with a 1-1 series tie, and relieved to be spared from unanswerable smack talk from Longhorn fans. And of course Im good with the jorts-clad Matt McConaughey going home with an L (did you see him acting a fool on the sideline? Matt- big fan, loved you as Wooderson, but get off the sidelines. Youre not a player. LeBron is allowed on the sidelines, because hes LeBron, and everybody knows he could have played football for Ohio State if hed really wanted to anyway. Youre just an actor. Stay in the box with some candy and randy Mandys, bro- thats what I would do).
SEC Orange- Florida at Tennessee. Saturdays battle on the Plains between Auburn and LSU will decide the SEC West. The same cant be said for the Florida-Tennessee game and the SEC East- the Geoooooooooorgia Bulldogs will have something to say about that eventuality- but its always a lot of fun when the Gators and the Volunteers hook up, especially when its in the mountain-ringed splendor of Neyland Stadium, home of the Body Farm and the Checkerboard End Zone.
This is, of course, the 10th anniversary of Floridas 62-37 demolition of Peyton Mannings Vols in Neyland (the Gators fell behind 30-14; outscored Tennessee 48-7 the rest of the way), the apex of Steve Spurriers domination of Manning, Fulmer, and Tennessee (You cant spell Citrus without U-T). Two years ago the Vols escaped on Rocky Top 30-28 when James Wilhoit, who three minutes earlier had chunked the game-tying extra-point, drilled a 50-yarder for the win with no time remaining. Next to Vinatieris miracle kick in the snow to tie the Raider playoff game in 2001, it was the best clutch kick Ive ever seen. I mean, it was either win the game on one kick, in a state of football-insane Southerners, or be held solely responsible for losing, in a state of football-insane Southerners- and Wilhoit absolutely drilled it. Great fucking kick.
Im tempted to do some kicking of my own on Tennessee for their narrow escape against a Service Academy, but Im stopped short by two facts: 1.) Ohio States 1990 Liberty Bowl loss to Air Force (my personal low as a Buckeye fan), and 2.) Air Force runs the Wishbone, a formation that is straight out of the long-off days of exposed hip pads, mass Astroturf, and fans waving Confederate flags in the stands. Tennessees coughing up of 281 rushing yards has less to do with its players than with its coaching staff; Fulmer has a National Championship, but hes still not the sharpest in the shed, not sharp enough at least to properly prepare for an offense as archaic to narrow eyes as the Bone.
What theyll get this week is at least a little more conventional. Urban Meyer has the reputation for being a sharp mind when it comes to the passing game, but that wont bother the Volunteers, because it only means they will be allowed to unleash their pass rush against Gator quarterback Chris Leak; the same tactic that destroyed California two weeks ago. On Rocky Top, this showdown will come down to the legs of the Leakster. Will he be able to avoid the Tennessee pass rush and make big plays?
Wack Predicto: Florida 28, Tennessee 24- Chris Leak will make the plays. Either way itll be another thriller in Knoxville.
The Rotten Orange Bowl: Syracuse at Illinois. They, of course, both wear orange (Syracuses throwback, number-on-the-helmet uniform might be the best look in college football, by the way). They have second-year coaches who were vilified at their former posts (Ron Zook at Florida and Greg Robinson as defensive coordinator with Kansas City, where his unit held the Colts to zero punts in the 03 Playoffs). They would make a hell of an NCAA Regional match-up in any given March. And they have a combined record of 1-21 since the second week of the 2005 season.
Both tasted humiliation in different forms last week. The Illini were walloped 33-0 by Rutgers, falling behind 30-0 at halftime. Greg Schiano has turned the Scarlet Knight program into a solid one, but its still not really acceptable for Big 10 teams to get their tails kicked by the likes of Rutgers. We here in the Midwest have a nickname for schools that have that happen: Indiana (rim-shot).
Syracuse had a chance to snap its 10-game losing streak last Saturday at the Carrier Dome against Drew Tate-less Iowa, but dropped a heartbreaker, 20-13 in double-overtime. Dont cry for them, though- dont you dare. The Orangemen had ten shots at the end zone from the Iowa 2-yard line in both overtimes and couldnt score a touchdown, which makes them a bunch of losers without the sand to just punch the damn ball in the end zone when they had to.
Wack Predicto: Illinois 34, Syracuse 7. Woody Hayes said, There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you. Illinois will be good and pissed off from their beating in New Jersey and playing in Champaign, in front of whatever home crowd they can muster. Syracuse will still be numb from last weeks gut-punch. The Illini will get healthy.
Oh, and the Schnellenberger Bowl: Miami at Louisville- On the same day the 72-year old Schnellenberger leads his FAU Owls into Stillwater, two ex-independents and two programs he built from the grave up face off at Papa Johns Cardinal Stadium (that name doesnt quite ring the echoes, does it). In their last meeting, in 2004, Miami roared back from a 31-14 third-quarter deficit and beat the Cardinals 41-38.
Two years can make a big difference in the evolution and devolution of a program. In 04, Louisville was the clear upstart against the third-ranked Hurricanes, still just two years removed from their last trip to the National Championship Game. Now the shoe is on the other foot, or at least it should be. Miami goes into Louisville on Saturday a program in a state of decline. Last weeks 51-10 slap-down of Florida A&M has done little to assuage skeptical Miami fans, who have complained for some time now about the teams lackluster offense and Cokers seeming inability to keep the program at the same level it was at when he took the job.
Offense has not been and will not be an issue at Louisville. Since the start of the 2004 season, the Cardinals have breached the 50-point mark in 13 of 28 games, the latest occasion being last weeks 62-0 destruction of laughable Temple. Louisville has long been the hot prospect of college football, and looked poised to finally achieve elite status this season. And they might yet. But they will have to do it without wrecking-ball tailback Michael Bush, who is gone with a busted leg until the 2007 NFL season. Three of his replacements are averaging over six yards a carry, but these impressive figures should be taken with a grain of salt, since most of them were compiled against the feebleness of Temple Junior High. Miami isnt quite Miami anymore, but the Hurricanes still play championship-caliber defense. Without Bush in the backfield, Miami has a chance to make Louisville rely on the arm of Brian Brohm which is not a bad option at all.
Wack Predicto: Louisville 31, Miami 28. If Michael Bush were playing, Louisville would win by two touchdowns. Despite his absence, the Cards will pull out a close one.
Speaking of Wack, Oakley Amato is pretty ridiculous for his petulant swipe at Akrons admissions policies after N.C. States final-play loss to the Zips last Saturday. Maybe, before he gives a quick, fearful glance at the detractors gaining in his rearview, Oakley ought to give proper credit to the Zips, who stonewalled the Wolfpack on a huge 4th-and-inches and twice came from behind in the fourth quarter to win what was, quite simply, a great college football game. Does Akron have a lax admissions policy? Yes. Are there about six blades of grass on the UA campus? Yes. Is Akron the capital of West Virginia? Yes, as the local joke goes. But dont let those things detract from the Roos victory over N.C. State. Besides, Amatos display of academic foot-stomping probably has Duke and UNC people spitting whatever theyre drinking all over their monitors. No disrespect, but since when did the best of the best wind up at N.C. State?
MAC Love Posted: 9/14/2006by: MrC Glad to see some respect for my favorite mid-major. GO ROCKETS. Brutus ='s On Fire today Posted: 9/14/2006by: Delphi Even Duece has hit a couple of three's.
Seriously Anthony (I can't abuse the H anymore), UGA comes in EVERY FREAKING YEAR and they're going to do something great. Then what happens? They choke like an Olsen twin after a pizza binge. You can mark that every single year. What Georgia needs to win is for Hershel Walker to be reincarnated into Bo Jackson's body with David Greene's arm. Then maybe they'd have a chance. Maybe. antony Posted: 9/14/2006by: Brutus thank you for your kind words, I was so hoping to redeem myself and gain yours and the others approval. I so desperately need it to feel wanted and "cool." Internet comment boards are so cool are the place to prove how wonderful one truly is and to put all others in their place!
In the words of Delphi or Eugene or whomever, they forgot the H in your name you dumb, inbred prick! oh dear boy... Posted: 9/14/2006by: antony you just completely redeemed yourself with that rambling bunch of non-sense. bravo indeed. oops Posted: 9/14/2006by: Brutus I meant to say "humiliated" not "humiliating".
Damn my lack of proofreading on this comment board, my intellect level just dropped a notch, I guess I now a preschooler. Antony Posted: 9/14/2006by: Brutus yes, you have once again proven your "wit" and at the same time proven my level of intellect. Bravo I say! Bravo! You are the greatest internet warrior of all time and you wield a mighty verbal sword! I shall now surrender humbly in defeat! Delphi, Eugene, and whomever else disagrees with the great one, a word to the wise, this warrior is too much for one poster to handle, unite and combine your efforts to slay this beast of a poster or he will prove you all wrong and win from here on til eternity!
I am humiliating as he has proven my level of intellect on this meaningless comment board. I shall now commit suicide. woe is me, woe is me.
Univeristy of Georgia sucks and is overrated again, even though they are not highly rated and Uga is one stupid name for a fucking ugly-ass dog! bleh Posted: 9/14/2006by: antony delphi- that was singularly the stupidest thing i have ever read on this site. i can't even spar with you anymore after that. never speak in my general direction again.
brutus- you just proved my theory on your level of intellect to be correct. as far as me being "openly" racist, let's not pretend that each and every person on earth DOESN'T have some prejudices. at least i let people know where they stand with me. and i'm not burning crosses in anybodies yard, blowing up churches, or beating quadriplegics with their own prosthetic limbs, so what's the problem? Christine Posted: 9/14/2006by: Brady Quinn Would you wear my jock strap like a surgeon's mask too? Brady Quinn Posted: 9/14/2006by: Christine I want to rub my clit all over his modelesque body. Yummy. et tu, brute Posted: 9/14/2006by: deuce a webcam, really? turbo lame.
although he is the last person who needs to hear this, delphi is correct in his heisman breakdown.. i may be biased (and have a bit of a man crush) but the pocket passer who with the assistance of his new 'destined for the job' coach, turn around the most storied program in the NCAA, could only destroy his chances at the hardware with a felony. it's early in the season, yes, but it's pretty much in brady quinn's hands if he doesnt "drop the ball" (try the veal).
darius walker is a more complete back in his sleep than peterson ever will be and will fit seamlessly into the NFL's west coast offense.
Oklahoma at Oregon: Nearly every conference this year has shown major weaknesses outside their respective two or three top programs, and the Big 12 has been a glaring example. Oklahoma, an early contender to win the Big 12 South, suffered a major setback when Tipsy OFakejob-McStagger, a.k.a. Rhett Bomar, was dismissed from the team for washing cars for $500 an hour at a local car dealership during the off-season. Rhett headed to Stephen F. Austin State College, and Oklahoma lost the scramble to land ASU transfer Sam Keller, who opted instead to head to Nebraska, a program with national title hopes next season. This left OU with Paul Thompson at QB. Thompson showed his shaky passing credibility during OUs game against Alabama-Birmingham, where OU gave UAB every opportunity to upset them, yet somehow managed to come away with the win. OU began their Holiday Bowl look-alike non-con schedule by beating up on Washington last week, and continues the same against Oregon.
Nebraska at USC: Despite ABCs efforts to make this game look like the game of the year, what were dealing with here is a Nebraska team on the upswing against a USC team that is about where Nebraska was in 1996 coming off a dominant stint and taking a one-season breather before winning it all again the next year.
Not-So-Big 12 Round-down:
Oranges, From Florida to Rotten
SEC Orange- Florida at Tennessee. Saturdays battle on the Plains between Auburn and LSU will decide the SEC West. The same cant be said for the Florida-Tennessee game and the SEC East- the Geoooooooooorgia Bulldogs will have something to say about that eventuality- but its always a lot of fun when the Gators and the Volunteers hook up, especially when its in the mountain-ringed splendor of Neyland Stadium, home of the Body Farm and the Checkerboard End Zone. 
The Rotten Orange Bowl: Syracuse at Illinois. They, of course, both wear orange (Syracuses throwback, number-on-the-helmet uniform might be the best look in college football, by the way). They have second-year coaches who were vilified at their former posts (Ron Zook at Florida and Greg Robinson as defensive coordinator with Kansas City, where his unit held the Colts to zero punts in the 03 Playoffs). They would make a hell of an NCAA Regional match-up in any given March. And they have a combined record of 1-21 since the second week of the 2005 season. 
Oh, and the Schnellenberger Bowl: Miami at Louisville- On the same day the 72-year old Schnellenberger leads his FAU Owls into Stillwater, two ex-independents and two programs he built from the grave up face off at Papa Johns Cardinal Stadium (that name doesnt quite ring the echoes, does it). In their last meeting, in 2004, Miami roared back from a 31-14 third-quarter deficit and beat the Cardinals 41-38.
Speaking of Wack, Oakley Amato is pretty ridiculous for his petulant swipe at Akrons admissions policies after N.C. States final-play loss to the Zips last Saturday. Maybe, before he gives a quick, fearful glance at the detractors gaining in his rearview, Oakley ought to give proper credit to the Zips, who stonewalled the Wolfpack on a huge 4th-and-inches and twice came from behind in the fourth quarter to win what was, quite simply, a great college football game. Does Akron have a lax admissions policy? Yes. Are there about six blades of grass on the UA campus? Yes. Is Akron the capital of West Virginia? Yes, as the local joke goes. But dont let those things detract from the Roos victory over N.C. State. Besides, Amatos display of academic foot-stomping probably has Duke and UNC people spitting whatever theyre drinking all over their monitors. No disrespect, but since when did the best of the best wind up at N.C. State?
