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Well, I have my thick, gold chain, my khaki trousers, and some shiny,new wing-tips. My hair is all greased back and I smell like Old Spice. This is going to be a great night of chick-getting for me! Oh wait… which shirt should I wear tonight?
Hmmmm. I have my normal button-downs, my fancy sweaters, or some silky and shiny club shirts.
No. Not tonight. That just won’t do. I need something that will really make a statement. I want to elevate the limits of being awesome to the heights of unattainable hopelessness. I need to start my own fashion trend.
I could wear my high school varsity jacket from 8 years ago. That would reel in some babes. I had five touchdowns in a game once. Coach took me out on the four yard-line or I would have had six. The varsity jacket thing might really take off.
I better not. I wouldn’t want to get it all smoky-smelling or anything. Maybe I could wear my F.B.I. (Female Booty Inspector) shirt. I am unbelievably hilarious at all functions in which I wear it. People point and laugh all night.
These are all great ideas, but I just can’t put my finger on the greatest idea of all. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I just can’t figure it out. What shirt could I wear that would show the world that I am a total badass?
Wait. I have it. I can wear my skin-tight Under Armor; workout shirt to the bar! That is a fan-fucking-tastic idea! Yeah, the same undersized shirt that I wear to run and lift weights, would be perfect for chick-getting. I thank God that I am as smart as I am huge. If my buddies were here, this would definitely call for a group high-five. My skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt looks great tucked into my pleated khakis. My oversized, thick, gold chain sets the whole ensemble off.
Fuck those jealous assholes who yell, “Hey, Kool Moe Dee, where’s Fab Five Freddy?” every single time I walk down the street. I’m sorry I found a good deal at Gold-By-The-Inch at the mall. My arms are as huge as mountains. Enough with the bullshit wisecracks! While we’re on that topic, I am not any of the various “Yo! MTV Rap” artists that you call me while you and your friends drive past and whip beer bottles and burrito wrappers at my head. A young white man is fully capable of sporting a thick, gold chain, even if it is un-tucked and dangling over a skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt. You’re lucky I can’t get my hands on you. I am super strong. You should be able to realize that by noticing that I have a skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt on at the bar. I punched a guy so hard one time, he pooped his pants. Then I kicked him in the ass and made shit come out his nose. Consider my skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt as a warning that I am a deadly, precise, killing machine that gets all kinds of chicks. They can appreciate a man at the club who wears a shirt that regulates body temperature. My muscles are as huge as buildings.
On the rare occasion that girls are not hounding me like I am a God, I have found my skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt is great for drinking as well. I can usually attract a few lovely ladies by showing off my “chugging” skills. Nothing says “Take me home and bang me” like beer being dispensed down my throat at a thunderous pace.
Occasionally, I have been known to dump entire draft beers straight down my chest while exhibiting my incredible chugging powers. While wearing my skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt, the waterfall of alcohol only cools me off. Those shirts hide stains better than Michael Jackson’s linen lady. I guess the best way to put it, is that I am completely an unstoppable force while wearing my skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt to the bar. There isn’t much in the universe that I can’t accomplish when I have it on. I think about joining Ultimate Fighting sometimes but I am about to be named night-manager at the supplement store and I get 15% off.
All of the attention I get from my skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt is surprisingly, not always positive. Every once in a while, some dick will yell, “Hey Fuckface, why do you think they call it UNDER Armor?” They are trying to insinuate that the shirt is only meant for under-clothing purposes. I have one response for those people. It is usually a period of growling, accompanied by Fred Flintstone-esque fist waving. If that doesn’t work, I pace back and forth and act like I’m about to go crazy. Other assholes enjoy shouting, “Hey Asswipe, are you PROTECTING THIS HOUSE!?!?” Very clever, they are implementing Under Armor’s advertising slogan into an insult based on the fact that I am dressed like a complete shithead. I usually don’t respond to that comment because there is commonly a lot of laughter which tends to drown out my voice. All I can say is that I was super-awesome looking the last time I flexed in the bathroom mirror, which was four minutes ago. I better go check myself out again.
good article, but a little to close to striped shirt
Koniver
Brilliant
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Posted: 11/3/2005 8:04:28 AM
I want to elevate the limits of being awesome to the heights of unattainable hopelessness
One of the funniest lines I have ever read.
Junior
Good
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Posted: 11/3/2005 9:16:32 AM
Even though this article was similar to the stripped shirt it is still solid and funny I would like to see more articles like this.
STEVE
JUAN
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Posted: 11/3/2005 9:19:31 AM
I do not own any UnderArmor shirts myself nor would I ever wear them in public, but from your hating, I'm betting that you are one jealous skinny little Mexican chilupa eating cunt.
Phil
Commercials
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Posted: 11/3/2005 9:24:19 AM
Dude, those Under Armour commercials just get me fucking pumped up. I'm just sitting there enjoying some college football with a cold beer in my hand, and then all of sudden it's some crazyass black guy yelling, "WILL YOU PROTECT THIS HOUSE?!?!?" Right there I just stand up, scream "I WILL...I WILL!!!" and then tackle the goddamn TV.
How can you not get psyched up watching that shit??
Andy
Similar, yes
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Posted: 11/3/2005 9:25:42 AM
But this and the striped shirt article are not mutually exclusive. Bars are easily one of the funniest places to spend time. People getting drunk, trying to pick up each other, getting more drunk, etc. It only gets funnier when you have a cross section of people, like townies and college kids/ blue collar and yuppies/black and white - then its like the Adams Family bar.
A whole series of TPP articles could be written detailing the various fauna indigenous to bars. This article rocked.
deuce
lacking
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Posted: 11/3/2005 9:40:12 AM
while this article had its funny moments, "All I can say is that I was super-awesome looking the last time I flexed in the bathroom mirror, which was four minutes ago. I better go check myself out again." "under armor guy" was lacking in the crazy inner drive that the striped shirt guy possesses. phil's comment however, was not. funny mental pic, thanks.. i have seen someone (on their birthday) wrassle a dogwood tree. top 5 funniest things i've ever seen in my life.
Patrick
Not every lampoon
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Posted: 11/3/2005 9:41:09 AM
of an obnoxious demographic is a rip-off of the Striped Shirt article.
jay
to all you idiots
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Posted: 11/3/2005 9:54:12 AM
Mike polk was not the first person to write a first-hand,satirical article about a type of person. Nor will he be the last. Everyone that continously compares every article to "striped shirt guy" is missing a key component to humor. And that, you idiots, is Sarcasm. This was funny, and so was "striped shirt". If the only thing that you ever found funny on this site was "striped shirt" then print it out and read it in your pathetic little blue cube and get a damn life
deuce
to jay - the oracle of funny
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Posted: 11/3/2005 10:15:07 AM
a quick summary: 1st article - about a particular style of shirt & douchebag who wears it 2nd article - about a particular style of shirt & douchebag who wears it (funny narrative & dialogue) 1st article - set in a bar 2nd article - set in a bar (funny narrative & dialogue) 1st article - douchebag thinks he's god's gift - faces public ridicule 2nd article - douchebag thinks he's god's gift - faces public ridicule (funny narrative & dialogue) 1st article - douchebag goes home alone - is delusional about prospects for next night 2nd article - douchebag goes to bathroom alone - is delusional about prospects for next 5 minutes
WHERE IN THE FUCK WOULD US IDIOTS DRAW A COMPARISON?
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