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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their baby. That is some fan-fucking-tastic news. The baby is a girl and they named it Suri. This calls for a Tom Cruise crazy outburst. What will it be this time? How can he top his most recent episode; you know, when he joked about eating the placenta?
He was actually baffled by the fact that people took his statement seriously. Tom Cruise needs to understand that he is Tom Cruise. He has been on a year-long crusade to prove that he is completely and utterly out of his motherfucking mind. If you’re going to act like a raving idiot all the time, people are going to assume you are serious when you start talking about munching on a placenta.
I know you are just a misunderstood soul, Tom. These damn alien spirits keep making people say negative things about you. Dumb alien spirits. I can’t understand how people could be so very wrong about you. Take the following three options for example. Two of the options are facts about you, and one is a humorous “joke” delivered by you. Anyone could tell the difference. Couldn’t they?
A. You seriously believe that negative emotions are alien ghosts. B. You want to eat a placenta. C. You named your daughter Suri.
It's okay Maverick. So what if everyone thinks you are a fucking lunatic? Big deal, you’re rich as hell and can do whatever you want, whenever you want. You have it made. I have more great news. Since you are so busy with Mission: Impossible 3 and a new baby, I have taken some time to narrow down your selection of godfather applicants for Suri.
I was sure to consider your Scientologist belief system and honor your level of mental acuteness as well. No need to thank me, Tom. Just keep doing crazy things so Pat O’Brien can talk about you and leave the poor strippers alone.
Applicant 5: “Alien”/Mr. Spock (tie) I can’t make a list of “Tom Cruise Scientologist Godfather Applicants” without including the alien that is referred to with the title “Alien.” I also need to throw Mr. Spock in there as well, because of his resounding popularity. While I love most geek-ass things, I never liked Star Trek too much. It always reminded me of a high-school play. Neither of these guys will actually get the gig, so fuck it. These two bastards can fight it out for fifth position. This ultimately means that “Alien” would hold steady in the fifth slot. Star Trek sucks balls.
Applicant 4: Mork He would definitely be able to entertain young Suri. That is because Robin Williams is considered hilarious to people who shit their pants and are yet to utilize fine motor skills. The major problem with the Mork selection is the fact that Suri will eventually gain intelligence as the years roll by. By the time she develops a third grade intellect, she will probably crack under the pressure of constant Robin Williams jokes.
Punching, kicking, shaving, and gutting will occur. Mork is a fucking terrible idea. On second thought, let’s open it up. “Alien” can actually creep down to fourth.
Applicant 3: Alf Daddy eats placentas. Alf eats cats. That is about the only solid reason I can think of for Alf to be a good godfather candidate. That still puts him above Robin Williams and Mr. Spock on the list. The Alien’s freaky ass could slide down to third by mutilating Alf. The fact that he would not just be “Alien” anymore, but “Alien with Mr. Spock, Robin Williams, and Alf guts in his teeth,” awards him the cool points to finally land a spot at number 3. And yes, I probably could have found a normal picture of Alf, but this kid is just screaming to be seen.
Applicant 2: E.T. An alien botanist would be an amazing godfather. He was so gentle and loving. He was also able to do that sweet-ass thing when he got drunk at home and Elliot felt the effects at school. That would be decent. Fuck godfather, E.T. would be the best friend ever. You could get wasted all the time and spare your body of any negative health effects. E.T.’s bloody liver would flop out of his sphincter after a couple weeks of partying with you. Then you could toss his ass in your bike basket and fly around town. E.T. would be the greatest friend ever. He would probably be better suited for the “Tom Cruise Scientology Super Friends List,” but he could be a damn good godfather as well. Alien needs to back the fuck off.
Applicant 1: Darth Vader “Suri… (heavy breathing) I am your godfather.”
Damn it, Tom, do you really even need time to decide? It is her destiny.
is fucking priceless. the article was a 2 MFDS, but that pic bumped it to a 3 MFDS. where on gods green earth did u find that pic?? that kid should be an internet celebrty - fucking genuis pic - it saved the article.
NIce
Nice
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Posted: 4/19/2006 8:47:12 AM
This is one of the funniest articles I have read in a while. ...
JPM
NICE
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Posted: 4/19/2006 8:49:49 AM
JT for President.
Least the baby was not named after a color or a piece of fruit.
Q
Alf Kid
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Posted: 4/19/2006 9:03:55 AM
Isn't the kid with the Alf shirt the Man Show Boy?
Ellen
I love
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Posted: 4/19/2006 9:18:10 AM
ET. I vote for ET.
AB
Small Problem
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Posted: 4/19/2006 9:55:37 AM
The Cruise's are Scientologists right, well the fact that the tradition of having a Godfather is predominantly a Catholic tradition totally fucks the article in my opinion. Maybe "Who's really the Father" would have been more appropriate.
What the F does Suri mean anyway. That is sooooooo fucking stupid.
Joe
RE: Small Problem
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Posted: 4/19/2006 10:03:13 AM
Actually, Scientologists are not all solely Scientologists. Scientologists can mix scientology with other religions. This was discussed in a recent Cruise interview. There are Jewish-Scientologists, Catholic-Scientologists, etc. The godfather premise is very feasable.
Christine
AB
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Posted: 4/19/2006 10:10:15 AM
You could suck the fun out of a retard parade. I think its the idea behind Juan's zany candidates for the hypothetical godfather that is supposed to make us chuckle. He failed miserably and should not be permitted to write for this site anymore, but at least he tried. Let's just hope he doesn't try again, because that was utter shit.
Suri means princess.
AB
OK then,
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Posted: 4/19/2006 10:15:16 AM
Which points a dumb aspect of scientology that I wasn't even aware of.... The fact that they are agnostic and yet allow people to "worship" a god of their choice in combination with their idiotic medical/spiritual beliefs. I would really like to meet a person who was a "Jewish-Scientologist". I would think that they wouldn't be to accepted in the jewish circles. Just a thought.
Ellen
Christine
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Posted: 4/19/2006 10:15:25 AM
or it means red rose in persian. god help me I cannot get enough of the cruise.
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Applicant 5: “Alien”/Mr. Spock (tie)
Applicant 4: Mork
Applicant 3: Alf
Applicant 2: E.T.
Applicant 1: Darth Vader
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